Aggressive Negotiations

"Your majesty," I said, taking a tired bow towards the Monarch of Goblins, "We were just passing through." "What a fortuitous coincidence for you it is then. We have started a war," the Monarch of Goblins said. "Who are they?" Anna said, pointing at the elves. "Listen to a story. A thousand people are lost in a dark forest. They know that some of them are murderers and that there are wolves about. The foolish don't even think about it, make torches, light fires and attract the attention of evil men. The wise stay in darkness, for it is better to stumble at chance, than to show your fire to all and sundry. The brigands and murderers sit on the look-out, waiting for a flame of a foolish lost one, but they forget one thing," The Monarch of Goblins said. "What do they forget, Monarch," Adam said. "That the story is a metaphor. And that some wolves can tame fire," The Monarch of Goblin said, and laughed a manic laugh at a joke that I only kind of got. "Can't say I've ever heard of wolves doing such a thing," I said. "Ah, but can you believe it when the night is dark and the moon is full and your friends have turned a bend you cannot follow?" The Monarch of Goblins said.

It was around this point where I had to stop and think. The gist of the story was simple enough- the elves were the murderers and brigands in this metaphor and the Goblin Market the wolves. It just didn't actually tell me anything about them.

"A fascinating tale, Monarch. Might You be kind enough to tell us if there have been any survivors among these murderers," I said. "We are in the mountains. The stone is hard and you do not leave survivors when fighting in this land. The vultures need to eat, after all," The Monarch of Goblins said. "Another metaphor?" Anna chimed in. "Not this time, dear human. We cannot reveal too much, for We know too much. Suffice it to say that while We were merely amused at their clumsy attempts at hunting Us, you will hate them with a passion once you meet," The Monarch of Goblins said, "Now, you tell Us that you came to this mountain pass by chance. Where are you going?" "A friend from our world of old, he claims there is a dungeon in these lands where we could meet. We come in search of him and this dungeon, and were to try a scrying spell to find him this day," I said. "There are several. We choose to leave them to you, Earthling heroes. It suits Us ill to dance to the tunes of a wizard," The Monarch of Goblins said. "This one should be inhabited by rock toads," I said. "Cursed creatures. We loathe toads above all other creatures in the myriad panoply of nature. No charm to them at all. But We remember. The den is deeper in the mountains and into the territory of these elves. Crowbar! Balderdash! Tend to Our guests and treat them most kindly! Give them what information they need, then escort them on their quest!" The Monarch of Goblins called.

Among the mob of unruly monsters two small, gangly goblins emerged. Unlike the goblins found wild in the Tower, who wore what appeared to be a pretty uniform set of plain leathers, and the goblin followers of the Hag, who wore much the same, but with a few bone charms and runestones sown into it, the goblins of the Goblin Market had developed something akin to fashion. They were the exact opposite of uniform. Among the goblins and other creatures of the Market you could find just about any piece of clothing conceivable, and about half the time they were not worn as intended. Hell, with some of the items there was no way that they'd either found them as loot in the Tower or scavenged them from fallen Earth people.

Crowbar was a round-faced, sharp-toothed goblin wearing a powdered wig, a small dagger as a necklace, tight leather pants and a naval officer's jacket. Balderdash had a feather fan glued to their chest and wore a kilt, with head shaved bald. At least I was pretty sure about which was which. They introduced themselves the wrong way around at first, and then corrected themselves after a glare from the Monarch of Goblins. I was beginning to miss the days when goblins simply tried to stab you.

The Monarch of Goblins clapped their hands, and a palanquin of bones and leather borne by two trolls trundled by, and they leaped atop the chair sitting on it. They put their feet on the lead troll's head who, with a grunt, carried them away.

The goblin guides led us to a canvas tent, fortunately far enough from the corpses to avoid much of any smell. There were trinkets, pieces of clothing and tools strewn all about the floor, so that walking into the tent required either stepping onto a layer of stuff or treading through it.

"Don't mind Balderdash, he doesn't speak and is an asshole," Crowbar said. "What do you need?" Balderdash said. "Fuck you," Crowbar said. "Liar," Balderdash said. "I'm only a liar if you don't play along. That's why you're the asshole!" Crowbar said. "Honored guides, may we proceed with our request?" Adam said. "Yes! The Monarch's guests! I hear we're indebted to you, wizard?" Crowbar said. "It is as the Monarch of Goblins wishes, I suppose," I said. "You suppose right! We're very happy with… developments," Balderdash said. "What'd ya need?" Crowbar said. "The Stone Toad dungeon. We need to meet a friend there," I said. "Oh! That's easy. Hardly half of us are going to die getting there, if we hurry," Crowbar said. "We haven't lost anyone," Balderdash said. "They're heroes, Balderdash. If there is no risk of half of them dying, they aren't going to go," Crowbar said. "We're… fine with not dying. In fact, we'd like to know the truth in pretty much all circumstances," I said.

Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings. "Your robe is ridiculous," Crowbar said, immediately. "That man has no skin. It's gross," Balderdash said. "When is the last time the Anna-woman showered?" Crowbar said. "The wizard's boots are nice though," Balderdash said. "Those ARE nice," Crowbar said. "Honest about the quest, we mean," Adam said. "Oh. Not as fun. But fair enough. A day's walk, we can reach it by nightfall. And with rock toads about while you camp at night some of you might even get to die!" Crowbar said.

Thereafter we set out only after a short break for food (roast meat (not human) spiced with goblin pepper and wine) and drink (unfortunately, goblin wine). It was my third time with goblin food and I was afraid I was developing a taste for it, while Anna was choking down the strangely spicy peppered meat and barely stomaching the wine, and Adam, perhaps unsurprisingly, ate it with little visible reaction.

We left any path and went into the mountains proper. Over the next few hours our goblin guides failed to consider several times that we couldn't scamper over cliff-faces like they could. I hadn't much kept up with my skill advancement, as the Journal often offered small and insignificant boosts to skills that seemed to be fairly useless. I'd gained a few skill points in Cooking (wilderness) and Potion Taster, for example. In this case, however, between the difficult trail, doing my best to keep up mapping for my quest and simply navigating the terrain, I did get a few good ones.

Log

Skill Athletics increased to level 3 Skill Cartography increased to level 4 Skill Navigation gained! Navigation increased to level 2 Skill Climbing gained! Climbing increased to level 2

Each of which gave me an immediate and obvious advantage as soon as I heard the scratching from the Journal.

Our first monster encounter would have been a nightmare if not for our guides. Giant vultures first circled overhead and then decided they weren't willing to wait for us to die of natural causes and swooped down on us. They were just fast enough to avoid my conjured icicles, and just tough enough to survive a few hits from Anna's fire, and I got clawed in the face and chest several times before our guides showed us the real deal with David and Goliath. Proper, stone-flinging slings should really be compared to bullets rather than kids slingshots. And the goblin's aim was unerring. At his first shot, Balderdash hit the vulture swooping for Anna in the head, killing the bird instantly with an explosion of gore and bone. Crowbar crippled another, which let me finish it off with an ice block, and Anna brought down two more with her fire ability, even if she had to hit them over and over again.

We ended the fight with nine dead vultures and my experience bar so close to level 16 that I thought I could actually feel the increase.

It was approaching the end of the third day, and we'd promised Will we'd meet him there at that time, and so we decided to press on without healing. None of our wounds were that bad, and none of us were sure how long it would take for us to get to the dungeon, least of us our guides. Or, perhaps they were sure, but kept changing the timing for fun. Or, once again, they knew how long it would take to get there without us, but we were slowing them down enough that their estimates were changing.

It was around ten hours in to a hard day of hiking and fighting when I was just about willing to give up. I had been marching on pure willpower for the past two hours, and even if it was massively inflated compared to before, it couldn't compensate for my joints locking up and my feet getting wobbly. I was about to suck up my shame and call for a halt- clearly everyone else had invested more points into physical stats, when I heard Crowbar's voice from ahead.

"Almost there, just over this ledge. Keep it quiet now," he yelled. "You have to be quiet too," Balderdash called from an outcropping on the other side of our path. "Why don't you all shut up so I can take a look," Chum hissed from above.

I saw the imp fly over the edge that Crowbar had indicated, yelp and pirouette in the air barely avoiding a wrist-thick, dozen feet long fleshy protuberance that could only have been a tongue of toad. He flapped his tiny wings desperately, fleeing towards me. Fuck, I could not do a fight right now. I was nearly too exhausted to stand.

"Fus!" I called and my spellbook flew in front of me, open to the fog spell. I think I actually felt the earth shake as there was a jump and a crash from behind the ledge.

"Toads aren't supposed to jump, you motherfucker," I shouted at the sky, at Xem, as all of us were preparing for battle, each of us exhausted from the trek. "Alex, we can do this. Let's just think with magic, alright," Anna said, but her voice was shaking too.

Then two toads crested the ledge, each the size of a minivan, each with skin made out of stone, and I knew our magic wouldn't do much against them. I called the fog anyways, and my new and improved fog spell covered the field in dense fog for everyone else, while I could still see a good fifty feet ahead of me.

"Keep quiet, I'll buy time, get ready for a big attack," I whispered to Anna and went into the fog, crouched even as my abused joints protested against it. I moved closer to where the toads had been, and I saw them. They looked confused about the sudden, magical fog, and I could clearly tell they couldn't see me. I decided to go for fire. It was a higher level spell, which usually did more damage and I didn't see many good weak spots to lodge an icicle in.

I called greasefire over both of the toads, and there came a hissing and a screaming from them, entirely inhuman, but with a strange wailing that indicated more intelligence than any frogs from Earth. And then wind blew from behind. I hadn't cast the fog in outdoor settings much. I didn't even consider it just going away in an instant. The burning toad's attention snapped immediately to me, and they crawled my way. It looked slow, but with their size each step covered dozens of feet, and so I turned and ran. I tripped against a rock, and couldn't keep my balance exhausted as I was.

As my face hit rock, a splitting pain, and then two loud croaking noises followed by an impact of landing too close behind me. My face was wet with blood. They were close behind but I didn't dare look.

Then a horn blared from up above, and a thundering of hooves followed.

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