Hours later, Ashtoreth appeared in a grassy field with a burst of light, then began to stretch.

"That's it," she said, watching as she was awarded an avalanche of low-level cores from the bastion she'd just destroyed. "Time to call it."

"Good call, boss," Dazel said, yawning. "I was getting real sick of your constant overworking. It's not easy, being the familiar of an overachiever."

"Yeah, but there's worse lives to live," Ashtoreth said. She felt a mischievous grin spread across her face as she looked sidelong at where Dazel had landed on the grass beside her. "Say, I really appreciate that you've been calling me boss."

Dazel arched his back and yawned for several long seconds of silence. "You're the boss, boss," he said at last.

"But maybe we could change our dynamic, now, seeing as I'm the monarch."

Dazel's head snapped over toward her.

"I was thinking you could refer to me as 'Queen.' For the obvious reasons."

"...Uh-huh."

"And… that, actually" she said. "Right there. I want to change that."

"Uh. Change what, sorry?"

"I was thinking your affirmatives could now all come in the form of 'Yas.'"

Dazel was silent.

"So, like, whenever I say something that should be responded to with emphatic agreement, which is pretty much always, you go, 'Yas, Queen.'"

"Fuck you," said Dazel.

"Hmm," she said. "Not quite. Want to try that again?"

"Fuck you."

"Your vocal inflection is way off," Ashtoreth said. "Let the sound sort of… start in your belly and then rise." She held a palm flat under her abdomen. "Yaaaa—"

"I hate you so much."

"—asssss, Queeeeeeen. Try it again."

"Fuck you."

"Yas, Queen!"

"Fuck you."

"We'll practice more later," Ashtoreth said, nodding. "Let's get back to base."

Dazel began burning a circle into the grass. "Sure thing, boss," he said, adding extra emphasis on the final word.

Ashtoreth let out a dramatic sigh as she looked down on him. "You know Dazel, having my very own yas cat might have been a stupid joke… but it was also a dream that I'd become intensely attached to in the several seconds since I thought of it on a whim."

Dazel made a faint, short noise that sounded like suppressed laughter. "Oh, I can only imagine the agony you must be in," he said, voice dripping with sarcasm. "A victorious archfiend who can't even get the servants to play out her every whim."

She grinned. "Sometimes, I wonder about replacing you with a glamour."

"Feel free to," said Dazel. "Once we're finished and I'm free, that is."

"My fake Dazel that I have perfect control of will be way, way more interested in musical duets. And catchphrases. Just saying."

"I'm sure that will make up for the expertise in spellcraft that you're giving up."

She grinned. "Dazel! Look at how far you've come—openly admitting that you're good at things."

"If it shuts you down, boss? I'll act like I'm a regular immortal polymath."

He finished the circle, and Ashtoreth stepped inside and began her [Runic Warp]. "You know," she said. "On Earth, cats don't talk."

Dazel rose into the air, spinning to look at the grassy field around them before saying, "I find myself in vocal disagreement," he said.

"I didn't mean it like that. I meant housecats don't talk."

"You don't say."

Ashtoreth sighed. "Maybe the amazing old cat lady archetype makes more sense when you know she can just… project whatever personality that she wants onto the cute cuddly animals."

"Amazing?" Dazel asked dubiously. "Is that right adjective? I feel I've heard other adjectives used."

"That's the only correct adjective, yes."

Her spell finished, and a flash of blue light engulfed them before they reappeared at headquarters and she moved for the stairs.

"Anyway," Dazel said. "I can only imagine how hard it is for you to deal with the fact that I don't flawlessly cater to whatever bizarre fantasies motivated you to choose this form, boss."

"Well I'm glad you're at least trying to understand my pain," Ashtoreth said as they moved into the stairwell.

Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

"It could be worse," he said. "I mean, you think that you've got it bad? I'm telling you—my archfiend is fucking nuts."

Ashtoreth giggled as she made her way into the basement area that contained her tiny house.

Inside, she found Kylie sitting on one corner of their small couch with her feet up. An old-looking stereo rested on the end table next to a stack of cd cases, loudly playing a song that Ashtoreth only vaguely recognized—a relaxed tune with vocals from a man who sounded like he was singing through a megaphone.

Floating in the air before her was a women's health magazine. As Ashtoreth watched, she waved a finger and turned one of the pages.

"You have a telekinesis spell?" Ashtoreth asked.

"Sure," Kylie said distractedly, not taking her eyes off the magazine. "You know, I never read these before." She cracked a devious smile. "Wasn't in the market for weight loss."

"Cool," Ashtoreth said, taking a seat in the armchair. "How is it?"

"Insane," said Kylie. "This year's new weight loss secret is… human growth hormone. Oh, and crushed pearls—they have asian magic inside them."

"They do?"

Kylie cackled. "No, Ashtoreth. It's all trash."

Ashtoreth furrowed her brow. "I don't get it. Why read it, then?"

Kylie stopped to ponder the magazine, for a moment. "It's kind of one of the most surreal experiences I've ever had," she said. Finally she glanced at Ashtoreth. "Which is saying something." She reached out and plucked the magazine from the air before tucking it into her satchel. "Are humans going to make those again? Maybe in five years we'll either be dead, or taking advantage of people's body insecurity with… I don't know, magic holograms or psychic hypno-songs."

"Probably not the hypno songs," Ashtoreth said. "But illusions? Definitely."

"Sure," said Kylie. "But my point is that the world that we left… it's over. This magazine might as well be a relic from centuries past. It doesn't matter if we get the electricity and internet back on, the old world is done. Nobody who was flipping burgers or working retail is going back to that job once they're a level 80 spellcaster, especially not if they have the option to go move to elfland."

"Magic will make it easier for people to meet the needs of themselves and the people around them," said Ashtoreth. "A lot easier, once people know how to use it. Compared to human mechanization, spells are like… I don't know, like if you could copy and send an entire fleet of tractors as easily as sending a file, with mages as the computers. I dunno what the bossmen will choose for their emigration policy, though. It might just get left open because that's cheapest."

"Sure," said Kylie. "It'll be a brave new world—but look at this." She showed Ashtoreth the front of the magazine. "Success without stress—discover a happier, healthier you!" She stared down at the magazine as if it were a poor, unfortunate soul. "Nobody knew what was coming. And we're never going back there again. Sorry if I just keep repeating myself, but it's sort of blowing my mind now that I've got the time to stop and breathe."

"It makes sense," said Ashtoreth. "It's your whole planet, after all."

"Maybe that's what's weirding me out so much, too." Kylie said. She looked over at Ashtoreth for the second time in their conversation. "You know, I'm not sure I feel like a native, anymore."

Ashtoreth didn't know what to say to that, but there was no need to think of anything. Frost came in through the front door, took in the room, then peered at the stereo still playing music. "Gorillaz, eh?" he said to Kylie. "Good stuff."

Then he looked over at Ashtoreth. "I've been talking to some of the officers all day since I got out of our earlier meeting," he said. "They're talking about some things that might worry you."

"Oh?" she asked. "Like what?"

"Like reading your mind," he said. "They have access to telepaths, and they're currently figuring out the best one to poke around inside your head."

"Heh," Ashtoreth said.

"Yeah," Dazel said from where he lay on the armrest. "Good luck."

"That doesn't worry you?" Frost asked.

"Nah," she said. "I'll tell them that I'll let them do it… but only if they can pass a test first."

"Are you sure?" Frost asked. "I know we want them to trust us… but letting them inside your head?"

"She'll be fine," said Dazel. "Tell the humans that if they want a good enough psychic to interrogate the boss, they'll have to wait until we make contact with the Eldunari. Until then, the test will keep them out."

"What's the test?" Frost asked.

"Imma lie to them," Ashtoreth said. "Ask them to read their own name out of my mind, or the name of this planet… and then when they get an answer that we both know is wrong, they'll have to admit that there's no point in digging deeper when I'm able to deceive them."

"Oh," said Frost. "Part of your training, I take it?"

"Uh-huh! I was never as good as Apollo at psychic defense, and none of us were ever nearly as good as Set, but I should be fine against some uneducated humans for a bit."

"What about afterward?" Frost asked. "You're… really okay with an elf reading your mind to see if you're trustworthy?"

"Well," she began. "I definitely won't like it," she said. "But an Eldunari psychic will at least have vows they uphold. They'll check to see if I'm treacherous, give an assessment, then take all my juicy secrets to the grave with them. Think of it kind of like an attorney-client privilege thing. It's very serious."

She shrugged. "Maybe they'll break their oath because they see the stakes involved when they're interrogating an archfiend who is the monarch of an entire new realm—I feel like that's the reasonable thing to do."

"And you're still okay with going through with it?" Frost asked.

Again, Ashtoreth shrugged.

"I think you're crazy," Kylie said, staring at the ceiling with half-lidded eyes. "Doesn't matter if the world's at stake. No stranger would ever get to dig through my mind."

"But building trust is so hard!" Ashtoreth said. "And once the trust is there, just imagine how efficient relations will become once nobody is wasting time watching their backs. Everybody's lives depend on me. All their loved ones, too. Giving up my right to my inner mind is a big deal, but… so is everything else."

"As long as you know what it involves and you're sure," Frost said. "I can't say I don't see your reasoning, but…." He shook his head slightly seemed to shudder in place. "The idea of someone searching through my mind, learning all my secrets, memories, and dreams—I think I'd rather just be tortured. And I'm not even interesting on the inside."

Kylie snickered.

"I get it," Ashtoreth said.

"Anyway, what's new with you?" Kylie said. "Were you just out destroying bastions all day? And what happened in your meeting with the Matthews?"

It suddenly struck Ashtoreth that she hadn't even mentioned her upgrades. She gasped as the realization came upon her.

"Oh—I haven't told you two yet! I completely forgot!"

Dazel raised his head off the armrest. "Brace yourselves."

"Told us what?" Frost asked.

Ashtoreth beamed and put her hands on her hips. "I'm now the Archfiend of Humanity!" she said proudly.

Several seconds of silence filled the room.

"...Of humanity?" Kylie asked.

"Uh-huh!" Ashtoreth said, unable to stop smiling. "Now who wants to help me figure out what my candidates for a fourth aspect are?"

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