Dear Diary,

Yeah, I had some time today to think about that whole 'without my rage, who am I' thing. Even took a bit to look in on my old world. Kinda weird thing, I don't have a gravestone. At least not one that shows up when I Scry on 'the place I'm buried'. Yeah, I tried 'memorial marker' and all the other things like that. Well, everything I could think of. Nothin'. I mean, I get it, I'm not sure anybody ever actually recovered my body, and it's not like I had a whole host of loved ones looking for me. Just my sister, and we were 'estranged' at best. If nobody found my body, then I'm just another 'missing person', and there are way too fuckin' many of them from places like where I grew up.

Shit, not all of them are Bad Endings, either. Yeah, there are probably a lot of unsolved or even unknown murders like mine, but there are also probably plenty of people who just drop everything and move away and find another place to be. I thought more than once about liquidating what assets I had, buying a shitty car, and driving west until I hit the West Coast or the car broke down. Maybe if I hadn't gotten shot, I'd have taken my diploma and wound up in LA, or Portland, or bumblefuck Iowa. Then again, more likely I'd wind up in Colorado, or Montana, or one of those other Rocky Mountain states, because that's probably where the car would die, out in the middle of nowhere.

Weird good thing, though. When I couldn't find a grave marker for myself, I went looking to see if I'd been reported as murdered. I didn't find that, but what I did find really blew my mind, made me think that maybe I'm not Scrying on my actual world of origin, but some weird alternate reality. Because the only way to Scry for 'news' is to Scry on people doing internet searches of shit I'm looking for, and that's just like doing random internet searches while I'm drunk, only worse. Which meant I wound up spotting a really weird headline; apparently there were zero murders in Camden last summer. The dude clicked through a couple articles, and in one of them I saw a video of cops playing kickball with little kids and shit. Talking about how they'd been trained to de-escalate and talk to people, not kick the shit out of them.

Seriously. What the fuck. I mean, I'm happy. I'm thrilled to see the city I was born in doing better. But what the fuck. I remember one of my teachers telling me about how when he was a kid, every school he aged out of wound up getting a brand new computer room. I feel kinda like that, like if I'd held on just a little longer, I'd be living in an entirely different city, living an entirely different life. Almost like living in an entirely different world.

Yeah, you know what I mean. Fuck off.

So, yeah, today was a special kind of hell for me. Not sure about my ladies, although it sure as fuck couldn't have been easy for them either. At sunset yesterday, Saffron made her announcement about my ladies sleeping on their ships. I didn't sleep; I kept the three of me going via judicious Mana siphoning from my tentacles in M-Space, where they writhed next to my Maw. Looking down from atop the West Tower, I watched them sitting around a map table with that nice map of the USA I'd stolen. A single small red skull marked the spot where the corrupted Jotnar Titan guy had fallen. Little green ship markers picked out where the Tentacles waited just offshore, with a bigger marker showing where the Black Dragon lay at anchor south of all of them. I couldn't hear them from where I stood, which was weird as fuck, but by her hand motions Saffron was going over plans depending on where the new invaders came from, not to mention how many of them there were.

I watched each of them wink out, waking aboard their ships. I'd had all night to ponder, so once all of them had a chance to go about their morning toilette and get themselves around some breakfast, I tagged Saffron, mentally connecting to all the others so they could give me feedback. All of them already knew exactly how deep my dumbassery ran, but I figured I'd make their jobs a little easier by maybe letting them apply clues to my noggin before I ran my mouth at somebody else.

Hey Kitten?

Yes, love?

Something I'd never really appreciated before was how I could let any of my ladies know how formal they needed to be just by whether I used their name, nickname, or title. Didn't Raymond say Worshipping Titans is illegal in Europa?

He did. To the best of my knowledge, it is.

At that point Tallulah cut in. The Pact. Worship of any imprisoned Deity is illegal under Divine Law, which holds sway everywhere in Europa save Sparta.

And all Titans are imprisoned in Tartarus. Saffron finished her thought.

Uh, even Prometheus? I asked.

Him First. clarified Marie.

That jived with what I suspected. Okay then, if all the Titans are in Tartarus, that's where that big guy came from, right?

It would seem so. Trust my Kitten to keep that scientific skepticism. Although Tartarus is reputed to be inescapable.

Think maybe I ought to go talk to Hades about a potential prison break?

That got a general murmur of agreement, capped off when Saffron thought, after we deal with this incursion, you and Marie ought pay him a visit.

Will do, Kitten.

With that plan in place, we went back to watching. It wound up reminding me a little of those days during the Siege of Calverton when I'd stand there all day, binocs to my eyes, scanning the City. I had my binocs with me, and I brought them up to scan the horizon every half hour or so, but mostly I just watched, looking for any kind of oddities. All we knew was that the new intruders were 'smaller'. That could be anything from a head shorter to, y'know, way bigger than a whale, since I had the idea that if a roided out sperm whale came into Kraken waters looking aggressive, they'd not only have identified it, but maybe ganged up to kick the shit out of it. No love lost there.

Late in the afternoon I split off one of me to the Training Tentacle, showing up beside Tallulah in the Scrying room. She had the Scrying Pool going, pulled way back to the point where the ship was just a dot on the horizon.

"What are you lookin' at?"

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She blinked at me. "The ship. This ship, to be precise."

I chuckled. "Okay, yeah. I was wondering why?"

She frowned. "Scrying on an empty piece of ocean is difficult without some connection to it. I've found that by tweaking the angle of view, I can see past the horizon this way."

"Neat!" I watched for a bit, realizing pretty quickly that the additional height of the Black Dragon made up for whatever range she got by playing with Scrying geometries. After a bit, since nobody else was in the cabin, I brought up the reason I'd visited her. "Thanks for spending time with Siobhan the other night."

"You need not thank me. We are both family, are we not?"

I smiled and gave her a hug, which she returned awkwardly, but with seeming sincerity. "Yeah. Yeah, you are." I smirked a little as I pulled back and said, "but I didn't think you were into girls, really."

"I'm not."

That caught me by surprise. "You seemed really attentive for somebody who's not into someone."

She shrugged. "I am Lady Crow of House Crow. I wouldn't insult family by being less than attentive and careful. Skillful, as much as one can be with as little experience as I have with such matters."

I just looked at her, but she didn't seem upset, or even like she was hiding anything. Just weirdly confused. Not very much, just a kind of idle lack of understanding why I didn't understand, I guess. But she was my Concubine, and more importantly she was family, my partner, so I had to put on my big girl panties and act like I was an adult. "You know that all playing around aside, you're not required to do anything with anyone."

"I am your Concubine, am I not?"

"First Commandment of Mimic and Tabitha Diaz still applies. Do as you will."

She nodded. "I understand."

I took a deep breath. "Okay, so, uh, do you still want to?"

She gave that a moment's thought. "No. I don't think I ever really have."

I couldn't help it, I slumped a little. Mostly at the thought that I'd done something with someone unwilling, even unwittingly, but also to my shame at the thought that I wouldn't get to get with my long tall T in the future. "Oh. Okay then."

"What's wrong, Mistress?"

"Oh, that word sounds so weird coming out your mouth. Call me Tabitha, please. Unless you really don't want to."

"As you wish, Tabitha. What's wrong?"

I shrugged. "Nothing, really. Just enjoyed those times we played baby roulette."

She smiled at me. "As did I." After a pause, but before I could reply, she asked, "why would thinking of those times make you sad? Is it the lost pregnancies? I admit, the thought of them does not fill me with joy, but without knowing they existed until they were gone, it does not have the same impact as losing a child, I think."

That hit me kinda hard, because what with Murder Mittens ending her son Lindsey, she knew exactly what losing a child felt like, so she could compare them directly. "Yeah, no, I was thinking I'd enjoy doing that in the future."

She tilted her head at me, still smiling. "So we will?"

I sat there for a bit, staring at her, until her smile started to fade. Before she could ask the question I saw forming about whether she'd done something wrong, I spoke. "Okay, I want to get with you, and I'm pretty sure Saffron enjoys it, and Marie is the same kind of horny I am, and Siobhan... Shit, I think if one of us took Siobhan to the Bedroom every night, she'd spend her days blissed to the gills with a purring Hailee on her lap and consider her life a slice of pure Win. But you don't want to, and I don't want to force you."

She shook her head, then held up one hand for patience. After a pause, she replied, "You're not. I suppose I've been ambiguous." She sighed. "I don't want to, but I don't not want to either. My times spent with each of you have been, at worst, intimate moments with partners. At best, they were joyful physical copulation. Or mock copulation, when no one involved was in a fully male form."

I smiled and said, "I generally just say fuckin', because that covers most all of it."

"So vulgar." She frowned, but I let her think. "I am confused."

"About?"

"I generally despise vulgar things, because they are crude. Unrefined. Yet sex with you is often crude. Like standing before the might of a storm at sea, and daring the wind and waves to do their worst. There is no refinement in the sea. No Skill or particular subtlety. Just raw, undeniable power." She paused, then looked away from her Scrying to look at me. "Being with you is like knowing the sea itself wants to drag me irresistibly to an explosively pleasant sexual conclusion."

I might have lost my ability to speak coherently there for a second. "Uh. Wow. Okay. The others?"

"Saffron is as Skilled as I am. Although perhaps I flatter myself, as I've only had four partners in my life, and never taken more than a passing interest in such skills, and never with a woman before. Marie is at an equal level of Skill, yet unlike Saffron, she has had those Skills for millennia, and her use is quite languid. Thoughtless, in the sense that she can focus on her partner rather than what she is doing to them. It's an awe inspiring display, I'm sure, although I don't believe I've ever had the opportunity to observe while not the object of her Divine affections. Siobhan... Siobhan is not your Wife, and at first I did not understand her position. Which embarrasses me to admit, but I think you want me to be open with you about such things."

She paused briefly, and I nodded. "I do. Go on?"

She nodded, decisive as ever. "She is... Kind. Soft. Warm, inviting, and caring. I find myself... No, I would share with you how I felt, if only I knew, but I do not. Suffice to say that I have recognized that those intimate moments are key to bonding in this family you have made me part of. I have no particular desire to engage in sex with any of you, but I desire to be a full part of this family, and those intimate moments are one of the ways I can do so."

"You, uh, could do other intimate things. It doesn't have to be sex."

She tilted her head and looked at me. "Do you not want to have sex with me?"

Yeah, not a question I wanted to parse, or even answer, really, not without some kind of joke, but she'd been so open, so sincere, I had to answer honestly, if awkwardly. "I like having sex with you. I felt some kinda way when I thought you didn't want to, weren't going to. So yeah, I want to."

"Then we will. When this is done, if you like. Unless..." While I tried to figure out what she was gonna say, she reached up and touched my cheek with her fingertips.

Yeah, that did not take much figuring out. "Uh, yeah, um, I think Saffron might kill us both for dereliction of duty. With good reason."

No, thought my Kitten, and Tallulah's fingers slid back, finger combing my hair back and running her fingertips along my ear. I'd never kill you for that. I have a flogger, after all. The Overlord might wind up standing while holding court for a few days though.

Tallulah froze, and I chuckled, trying to force down my response to her fingertips on my ears. "Yeah, I guess that would stop me, too."

She shook her head, a single tiny jerk back and forth. "Trying to decide if that would be worth it."

I laughed aloud, tentacles wrapping around her and holding her still. I leaned in, kissed her gently, then pulled away. "Sorry, T. Maybe if you were so fired up you didn't bother to weigh the pros and cons, but if you're just thinking about it, we probably shouldn't. Love you, but think I need to let you get back to work." I started to collapse back to myself, then paused. "Oh, and if you Co-Locate outside, you can probably Scry on any patch of ocean you can see. Might get you another few miles."

When I collapsed back to the other three of me, she thought, Bother. I shouldn't have hesitated.

We're kind of in an imminent battle situation, you realize?

I think that may be part of the attraction.

That caught me. As all three of me facepalmed, I thought, do I have two of you with fear fetishes now?

Of course not. Before I could even sigh with relief, she continued. I'm not afraid. I haven't really been afraid for myself for... Centuries now, I guess. But danger. No, not danger, although that's a part of it. Risk. Which encapsulates danger, so danger is a subset of risk, which does appear to heighten my sexual experiences.

I'm risky?

When you feel the desire to be, yes. But you are always dangerous.

Yeah, I really had no idea how to respond to that. So I just sat there, watching the horizon do a whole shit pot of nothing.

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