Dear Diary,

"Once you've found your Ecstasy, Don't exceed capacity, But fill yourself with that stuff." - Tabitha Diaz, Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Ecstasy

This Verse of the Book of Ecstasy gives to us a warning from our Goddess, but this warning, rather than commanding us to be wary of harming others or ourselves in our pursuit of Ecstasy, warns us of a danger to Ecstasy itself. Specifically Tabitha warns us that like any other appetite, our appetite for joy, for euphoria, for Ecstasy itself has limits. Should we exceed those limits, we may harm our own ability to contain our Ecstasy, to follow euphoria, to feel joy. So we ought be mindful of this even as we pursue euphoria, cover ourselves in joy, and indulge in that which brings us Ecstasy. For she does not wish us to abstain from Ecstasy, only to be sure that we do not harm ourselves in ways that prevent us from doing so. For our Goddess' deepest desire is for each of us who devote ourselves to her teachings to live long lives filled with joy, filled with euphoria, filled to the very brim with Ecstasy. - Priestess Most High Above All Others, Archmage Imperator Saffron Aetos-Diaz, Commentary on the Doctrine of Tabitha

Y'know, I'm not sure that's really my deepest desire. Don't get me wrong, I'm one hundred percent behind it, but if given the choice between everybody in the world living 'long lives filled to the brim with Ecstasy' and an eternity with my ladies in that cottage by the sea, I'm gonna be thinking about it for a while. Shit, if it's a definite exclusive choice, I'm not sure I could make the one that my education, such as it was from back in the day, tells me is 'right'.

Of course, at least a little bit of that has to be the question of Agency. Seriously, if me making a decision fills everybody with joy for the foreseeable, I can't see where that's really them making any kind of choice. Yeah, I guess I might do something at some point that makes it possible for people to make that happen for themselves, but me flipping a switch and making them all happy sounds something like me wiring up their pleasure centers and pushing a button. I think I read an old sci fi story about that at one point, and it wasn't so much heavenly as horrifying. Mostly because it wasn't really joy, just physical pleasure. Which humans being humans, we eventually acclimatize to, and then we can't feel pleasure any more.

That brings it back around to the whole 'don't overdo it' thing. I think Saffron may have nailed that bit, at least. She at least got the point across that what I'm worried about isn't something stupid like 'too much feel good' or 'undeserved happiness', because frankly I think everybody's born deserving some happiness. Joy is like food and shelter, it's a fundamental need of Human and Human Adjacent people. Without it we get kinda fucked in the head. Case in point, me before I got fucked in the head by a fifty cal. Okay, I'm not sure it was a fifty caliber round. Probably wasn't, honestly, since there was enough left of my brain for me to sort of remember falling into the water. But my point still stands.

Just like everybody born deserves to eat, deserves a roof over their head, everybody born deserves some joy. Just like eating too much can be unhealthy, and having too many houses leads to some kind of psychotic break with reality where you think you're objectively more important than somebody without a home of their own, too much joy can burn us out on joy itself. People need cool down time. Rest. Recuperation. Maybe even a bit of achiness now and then, like the bitter or sour or spicy in sweet foods that kicks them up to the next level. Thing is, Humans that aren't given anything to do get rammy. Human Adjacent people too, I guess, although I also guess that folks who have longer to live maybe get rammy slower, what with there being less pressure to do, do, do, go, go, go, cram as much stuff as possible into the little time they have.

Shit, that's exactly what drives my Kitten, I think. Need to ponder that more.

Got everybody home and settled, including slipping Tallulah into my normal seat to take care of Siobhan, while Marie did the same for Saffron. Brought home all kinds of flash fried stuff. Well, not 'flash fried' for all of it, but stuff that didn't need long in the fry oil for it to be done. Some veg, some thin sliced meat, all that good stuff. Definitely some pastry.

Then I stepped to the Altar in New Amsterdam, where Dana had Joe waiting for me. Funny, last week I commented on folks keeping the same names despite their new presentations, and Joe was the first one to change, however slightly. Joey just wanted to sit in my lap and have me sing to her, to have me show I accepted her, utterly and completely, as I rocked her gently to sleep. Apparently not everybody in New Amsterdam was as accepting of my Worshippers as I was.

"Dana?"

"Yes, Goddess?"

"Find out who upset her. I want to have words with them. Let Marie know when you figure it out."

"Yes, Goddess."

Marie, you got that?

Stolen novel; please report.

Alive?

Yes, you big fuzzy nerd. Alive. If you kill 'em, they don't learn nothin'.

Damaged?

I chuckled as I handed Joey to Dana. Frightened. But coherent, please.

Fine.

I think my Murder Mittens is more protective of her parishioners than I am. Which, honestly, is probably not a bad thing overall.

Ben wanted something not unlike Olga and Svart had. She had a long time partner who didn't mind her partner's change of equipment, but had some serious 'do not know how to use this tool' issues. I did not really expect to do relationship coaching at a Revel, but it's definitely part of the whole Patron deal. So I sat down and talked to them, then helped them with one another right there on the Altar. I laid them down on the Altar in each other's arms when I finished. Marie? Could you?

She grumbled a little, but even I could hear the grin in her mental voice. She showed up a moment later and lifted the pair off the Altar without disturbing them, which would have been a challenge for Dana themselves.

Then Jon, who'd been loving her life since I switched up her status. Her time on the Altar was a pure ode to horny joy, with both of us laughing most of the way through it. Nothing quite like an orgasm when you can barely breathe from laughing. I guess that's why some people like being choked, even if it's not normally my thing.

Last of the night was Stella, who'd been somewhere in between. Nothing as harsh as folks denying his new reality, or a partner having difficulties adapting, but a lifetime of living in the vaguely sexist New Amsterdam of Oliver and Octavio Orange had left him a little at sea when it came to how to dude without being a dick. So we talked. We talked until he got very visibly interested in not talking, at which point we... still talked, but with a lot more physical activity involved. Even some word salad right at the end near morning.

When the sun rose, I hugged Dana, spotted my Murder Mittens, who'd been hanging around watching, and scooped her up to step her home. Kids to school, Heads of State to their chambers, two of me nursing and pumping for all I was worth. I also made sure Marie had one of her in with Saffron in the office, since right at noon I had someplace to be.

I stepped down to Baba's place and knocked on the door. It took a second, during which I swear the whole fuckin' shack shuddered a little, before the door creaked open. "Come in?"

Despite the weird mix of confusion and creepy threat in her voice, I stepped through the door. "Hello, Baba! Thanks for setting this up for me!"

She sat there, table empty in front of her, staring at me. When I looked at it, the table almost looked a little wispy, like it maybe wasn't really there. M-Space shenanigans are weird. "You... Where's V?"

I sat down in the armchair, smiling as I watched those powdered sugar pastries appear. "Yeah, been here once. Don't need a guide the second time. No offense intended, just figured this way I wouldn't wind up with him taking all day getting me here when I screwed with his pathing."

She sat there, mouth working for a moment, as the tea service came into being on the table. "He... You... But..." she spluttered. Then she heaved a huge sigh. "Nothing for it." She lifted the teapot and poured. "I hope you're not easily bored."

"I mean, I am, but I'm also very easily amused. But why though?"

She shook her head, poured her own cup, and if I noticed her tipping the contents of a flask into her cup I didn't say anything. I did nod subtly at my own cup after taking a sip. "Are you certain?"

"Don't think a drop or two of poison would hurt me." At her raised eyebrow, I waggled all the tentacles nearby, just enough to make a quiet rumble from outside. "Body mass."

She cackled a little, then poured a big dollop from the flask into my cup. "Well. I suppose we can sit here and gossip for a while then."

"How long is it going to take Pyevatar to get here?"

She looked at me, took a sip of her tea, frowned at it, and poured a healthy dollop from her flask into it. After her next sip, she smiled, leaned back, and said, "no idea."

I didn't think about it, I just took a mouthful of tea. Yeah, definite 'Tabitha hurt herself in her confusion' moment. The tea was right on the edge of scalding, where if I'd spilled it on my hands it would have been nicely warm, but in my mouth it burned. Then there was the proof of the stuff she'd added. Everclear had nothing on that shit. I took a deep breath, which only made it worse, but somehow managed to avoid coughing my lungs up as they burned.

"Hoo. Yeah. That's some good stuff. You make that?"

She nodded. "For medicinal purposes only."

For some reason I found that hilarious. After a while she snickered, snorted, and cackled along with me. When we settled down, I picked up one of the little sandwiches with pink filling and stuffed it into my mouth. Good stuff. The ones I'd had the other day tasted more of salmon, but this one had subtle herbs and maybe a light balsamic flavor to it. "Oh, man. These are really good. Wish Marie could taste these."

She raised an eyebrow. "Would you bring her next time?"

I thought about that. Not really whether I wanted her here, because I definitely did, but more... "Yeah, if I didn't think it would screw the scheduling even more, I'd bring her here now."

Baba nodded. "Wise. Very, for one so young."

"Yeah, what up with that, anyhow?"

She shrugged. "A woman needs some secrets, and you've divined the meat of the matter, yes?"

I nodded. "Sure. Yeah. So time's all fucked up. Weird." I paused. "Uh, is that Boltophsberg, or you, or your place? Just for future reference?"

She grinned. "Yes."

"Okay. Fine. Keep your secrets."

She cackled a little. "Want to share those of others to pass the time?"

"Sure. Why the fuck not?"

So we sat there shooting the shit. I learned all kinds of shit about all kinds of people in Boltophsberg. Nothing, like, of strategic value. Nothing about the folks in charge. Just shit about folks having affairs, and maybe doing dumb shit at work, and all that lovely day to day shit that made up life. In return I talked about all the stupid little things that happened in my classroom. Names were changed to protect the guilty. Okay, not changed, because I wasn't gonna lie to the Baba Yaga, but I did conspicuously leave out actual names.

I felt the sun coming down as, incongruously, I felt Pyevatar arriving.

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