Dear Diary,

"Make your choices for yourself, Make your choices for others, Do not make others' choices." - Tabitha Diaz, Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Agency

In the penultimate Verse of the Book of Agency, Verse nine, Tabitha exhorts us to make choices. She speaks once more to intent, telling us to make our choices for selfish or selfless reasons. As she has always done in the Book of Agency, she does not tell us what choices to make, only that we ought have reasons, intentions, rather than refusing to choose. The final line of this verse is an important one, however. We can make selfless choices, choosing to use our Agency for others, but we must not make choices for them. It is in this that her wisdom is subtle, and requires meditation to understand. We can make our choices to help others, but 'help' ought always be enhancing the Agency of others. If we take away their choices, we are not helping them, no matter how much it feels that way. - Priestess Most High Above All Others, Archmage Imperator Saffron Aetos-Diaz, Commentary on the Doctrine of Tabitha

I'm really torn on this one. On the one hand, I sort of remember tryna express what I wanted to say, which was that doing the 'rational actor' thing and making a choice based on what you want, what's best for you, is fine, I guess, and choosing to be 'selfless', as Saffron puts it, is fine too, but arrogating somebody else's Agency is not. That said, I totally where she gets from that to 'choosing for others' being interpreted as 'taking away Agency'.

Thing is, analysis paralysis is a thing. Giving somebody more options isn't always gonna help them choose. It's a kind of anxiety paradox, I think, where giving somebody more options winds up reducing their Agency, because they wind up unable to choose at all. I can't even really describe it, because while I've experienced it, it's worst when I'm least cognizant of it. Like, if I realize my problem is that I can't really choose because the situation is too complex to make completely rational decisions, and I'm not sure which thing appeals most to me, I just pick some shit at random. Maybe that's the whole ROTC 'not deciding is always the worst decision' talking. Maybe it's a rational realization that if new choices are spawning faster than I can analyze them, and old ones are going away at the same rate, I gotta go with my gut and do rather than thinking. But it's still deciding.

On the other hand, I've been in situations where my brain will not let me see that. I'm logically examining all the possible choices available, doing what I can to understand the implications, and just generally doing everything I told people to do in the Book of Agency about making mindful choices and using Agency responsibly, and I wind up stuck, unable to choose, because choices are proliferating faster than I can analyze them. Or the situation is changing, and I feel like I need to account for that.

I guess the long and the short of it is that 'giving somebody more options' isn't always 'giving them more Agency', but fuck if I knew how to express that in twenty one syllables. Shit, I still don't. I'm not even sure what I just said makes sense. But at some point when Saffron is done with her new Inspect, I gotta talk to her about that. Or maybe I can grab myself by the back of my neck, pull my head out of my ass, and remind myself that Karen is also a smart person who exists, and is technically doing more of the 'in charge of the Temple' work than Saffron.

Yeah, I've never said I'm not a dumbass. But I keep trying to do better, and by my own standards that counts for something, right?

So yeah, we definitely wound up dosed up with Fae Chocolate Syrup after dinner. I decided to stop fucking around and actually dropped onto the Compton docks, asked around for somebody that sold cocoa beans, and bought a couple bags bigger than me. Didn't even need to use my tentacles to carry them, because while I haven't been lifting hardcore for the past couple weeks, I still haven't gone total couch potato mode during that time, and I'm pretty sure something about here and now, probably something Mana related, keeps stuff like muscle tone and flexibility from dropping off nearly so fast as it did back in the day.

Seriously, ballerinas stretch every fuckin' day, power lifters lift every day, and bodybuilders have to go through a whole 'build, starve, dehydrate' thing to look half as ripped as I do, so something's gotta be going on. Then again, it might just be Blend shenanigans or something making me look good. On the other hand, I managed to lift two bags of cocoa that each weighed damn near as much as I did, and while I've definitely trained to be strong, I also definitely haven't been doing any strength training lately. Little bit of flexibility and plenty of endurance, but there are usually four of me on Saffron's pit crew, and even with all her magnificent squish, she probably weighs as much as one of my thighs.

So today, along with some pate for Siobhan, some salad for Lindsey, and some paninis for Ria, we also had something not entirely unlike chocolate silk pie. Wasn't exactly a graham cracker crust, because they don't have chastity cookies here and now, but Marie and I managed to make something sort of close. More of a cookie crumb crust, really, but the texture was right and it had that little sweetness to it. The filling was the best chocolate pudding I've ever tasted. Marie called it 'custard'. She also called me 'greedy' when I ate the entire batch we made for filling. The second time. The third time she pulled out two big bowls and had four of her sisters help us mix it up. Okay, mostly had them watch me to keep me from eating it as fast as I made it. Which, honestly, wasn't gonna happen. I'd gorged myself because I missed it so much, but four pies worth of pudding scratched the itch pretty well.

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We made some actual chocolate bars, sweet ones with milk and sugar and everything, then shaved them onto the top of the pie when it was half set. Then put whipped cream atop the whole thing, then shaved more on.

I brought them out after the kids finished their dinner. Right before I did, I pulled Saffron into my lap and snugged her down tighter than I did while she coded. She raised an eyebrow, but didn't ask, until I brought out the pies and started slicing them up and handing slices to the kids, not to mention leaving a bunch for the women eating with us tonight. I swear she sounded like an overstressed industrial machine, but while she kinda pushed against me while she whined, I know she wasn't really trying. I'm not that much stronger than her, I don't think. But holy shit did that sound reach some impressive pitches.

Eventually, as Marie fed the last slice of the pie I'd brought out to Siobhan, one tiny, slow bite at a time, she half turned her face to me and whined out, "I know I said I deserved some Penance, but this is just cruel."

I nuzzled her a little. "You could have just Translocated away."

Her lip stuck out. "I was trying to be good."

"You succeeded."

She huffed out a sigh. "I want pie."

"If I told you to choose between pie and hot cocoa later, which would you want?"

She stopped, thought about it. "Pie. I've had the cocoa before, and the novelty appeals." Then she pouted again. "But now it's too late."

"Oh, sweetie. Have I ever left you hanging?"

She chuckled, the sound low and throaty. No, that's Siobhan's kink.

I grinned and nuzzled her again. "You really stayed because you thought I wanted you to?" She nodded, still pouting. "Good girl. Now. No moving anything but your mouth."

Uh, the children are right there.

I laughed, then brought out the last pie, the one I'd saved for her, already cut into slices. "And I absolutely want them to see that even their mother enjoys sweets, so they don't get any kind of fucked up thing about dessert stuck in their heads." I moved a spoon in front of her mouth. "You gonna keep your eyes open?"

She shook her head, closed her eyes, and opened her mouth. Honestly, while Siobhan, Marie, and even Tallulah watched her with rapt attention, the kids got bored and went up to the Bath after the first slice. Most of the women left. Devorah stayed for like half the pie. At that point I winked at her and she blushed and fled.

"Last bite."

"May I move?"

"You've been such a Good Girl. What do you think, ladies?" They all nodded, smiling. "Okay, sure."

She stuck her tongue out, mouth open wide, and I lay the last piece of pie on it. The moment the spoon cleared her mouth, she lunged at me. Chocolate silk Kitten is definitely my new favorite dessert.

When she pulled away, she tilted her head back a little, then said, "so, what do you ladies think of me, now that you've seen my secret weakness?"

Marie summed it up for us. "So Beautiful."

In the tub, Tallulah floated next to Marie's belly, seemingly fascinated. "You've been preggers at least four times before, right?" I asked.

Tallulah nodded, absently saying, "but only one child each time. I can see at least... four? Six?"

"Eight Kittens." Marie's glee-filled grin showed all her fangs.

Tallulah shook her head, amazement clear. "Won't you have troubles nursing them all?"

Marie just shrugged, then nudged first me, then Saffron. "Shapeshifters, Mimics."

At that point our Sidhe lady got a thoughtful look. "Would you like me to assist as well?"

Marie looked at me, and I shrugged. "It's up to you, Mittens, but I don't object."

"Our Kittens."

I couldn't help the silly grin that stretched my lips. "Okay, yeah, I'm for it then. But I don't want to overrule you if you have a problem with it."

She turned to Tallulah, waved her over, and when she got close enough, snagged her and pulled her into a long, slow, deep kiss. When their lips separated, she nodded. "Yes."

"Was your decision materially affected by that kiss, or was that a celebration of your decision?" Tallulah asked.

Marie just shrugged. "Taste Right."

I didn't really get to explore what that meant, because at that point the kids wanted to play something, and they roped me into it.

Dreamt of all my ladies Shapeshifting into Marie and Siobhan. Weird dream, especially when Karen laughed and joined in.

After the lunch time pit stop today, before Saffron got back into her coding, I asked, "so, when's my Kitten gonna say 'gimme all the Mana, I'm gonna change the world again'?"

She chuckled, then said, "I'm not precisely certain."

I frowned. "Hey, I'm not gonna force you or anything, but you did say a week. That turning into, y'know, eight days is fine or whatever, but two weeks maybe not. A month is right out."

She rubbed the back of her head against my mouth, purring. "Oh, no. Nothing like that. My review is almost done. Should be done tomorrow. But I want to test things before we... what's the term you used? 'Go live'?"

"Really? We're gonna start testing tomorrow?"

"Probably."

"Who? When? Where?"

"Here in the suite, with you, me, and a select few others I'd like you to collect when we're ready, and I'm not precisely certain. Probably after lunch, though."

I nodded. "So you've got like half a day's review left then?"

She chuckled again, and this time it set off little twinges south of my Mason Dixon line. They only got worse when she said, "oh, no. I just don't want to miss lunch."

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