I raised my head when I heard the ambulance break the silence. Droplets of rain were bouncing off the ground, people were murmuring, and there was a streak of red that was clearly distinct from the rain.

“Unni.”

I turned around. It was Joohyun, who had changed her clothes. Ah, this was the hospital. The sense of realism kept disappearing.

“Is the guardian of Mr. Lee Junmin here?”

Guardian, am I even qualified to be that? The person who pushed my back and saved me was wandering between life and death in that white room, and yet could I dare to call myself his guardian?

“Unni.”

Joohyun grabbed my hand. Yes, get yourself together. Just as I was about to walk up to the doctor with shaky steps,

“Senior Choi!”

A startlingly loud voice could be heard behind me. A woman rushed across the corridor and stood in front of the doctor.

“What happened to him? What happened to Lee Junmin?”

“Kang Seoyeon, do you know the patient inside?”

“I’m asking what happened!”

“Calm down. I was just about to tell the guardian.”

“Guardian?”

The woman named Seoyeon looked at me. The moment I met her gaze, my breath stopped. What am I supposed to say to those eyes that were seeking an explanation? The unpleasant sound I heard during the accident echoed inside my head.

“You’re a doctor, so you should calm down. Also, Miss?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry for your loss. We tried everything we could, but he didn’t make it.”

The doctor’s words couldn’t continue after that. Another emergency patient came to the unit. The doctor sighed in annoyance when a nurse called out to him before starting to run. My head blanked out for a moment. I think I just heard the news of someone’s passing away, but I couldn’t understand who. In the first place, why would he say something like that to me? He should be telling me about the state of Junmin who was inside. Why is he apologizing?

The woman who shouted earlier collapsed. I looked at her before standing in front of the room that said ‘Operation Room’. There was a no entry sign on the door, but that didn’t matter. I walked up to it with the intention of going inside. When the door opened, there was a long corridor.

“Miss! You can’t go in there!”

A nurse ran up to me and grabbed me.

“No, but he’s inside.”

“We can’t have you act like this here.”

“It’s just for a moment, just a moment is fine. I’ll just have a look at his face. Please?”

“If you keep acting like this I have no choice but to call security.”

I stared at the distant doctors and nurses in green before turning around. Right after that, strength escaped my legs. My vision became dark, and all sound was cut off. Joohyun ran up to me and said something, but I couldn’t understand a thing. From afar, a man in a suit was running towards me. Who was it? People called him ‘Prosecutor Park’.

“Unni, unni!”

Sorry, Joohyun. I decided to let go of my consciousness. I wanted to take a breather from the reality full of despair. My body complied with my wishes.

* * *

The yukgaejang[1] cooled down. I didn’t know who brought it here. There were about twenty tables, but there weren’t many people sitting. It was 3 a.m. The procession was tomorrow.

“Haejoo.”

It was someone from the theater troupe. I mechanically smiled and tried to rise from my knees, but my body didn’t listen to me. It wasn’t that my legs had become numb. My body just didn’t feel like mine and didn’t heed to my intentions. The intense powerlessness made me into an incompetent human.

“Stay seated. I know this isn’t the time for this, but I thought I’d let you know. The plays are on hold for now.”

“No, oppa. I can do it.”

“You aren’t in the right state. Joongjin-hyung decided to help us. He’s willing to loan us the monthly rent. He was adamant on paying it himself, but we barely managed to talk him out of it and settled with a loan. We can’t keep relying on him after all.”

“Sorry, it’s all because of me.”

“I’m not here to listen to you say that. I just want you to not worry about anything and get some rest. Okay? You really don’t look good right now. As cruel as my words might sound… dead people are dead. The living cannot chase after them. So… nah, I hope you get better. I’ll be leaving now.”

I wanted to stand up and see him out, but my legs really did not listen to me. I barely managed to lower my head before leaning against the wall. The jeolpyeon[2] had dried into stiff blocks, the yukgaejang had turned cold, and the watermelons were crumbling apart. What was I doing here?

“Miss Jung Haejoo?”

I was staring at a fly that was on top of a slice of a watermelon when I heard my name and raised my head. There was a man with a worried face, and behind him was the clock. It was 4 a.m. An hour had passed already. It felt like my sense of time had disappeared completely.

“Ah, yes.”

“You’ll ruin yourself if you keep acting like that for two days in a row. You should get some rest.”

“No, I can’t rest.”

“I understand how you feel. No, I can’t truly understand how you feel, because I’m not you, Miss Jung Haejoo. However, what I can be sure of is that Junmin, that fellow, doesn’t want you to get in trouble.”

The man with a heavy expression asked if he could sit next to me. I nodded. I felt this when I came here, but there were only three things I could do. One was to say sorry, one was to carry food around, and the other was to nod.

“Did I tell you my name?”

“Prosecutor Park Sunggoo, was it?”

“So you remember. Junmin was a friend of mine.”

Sunggoo poured some soju in a glass before drinking it without a word. I couldn’t say anything. I was a sinner. A horrific sinner who took away his friend.

“Junmin, that fellow, he’s been all smiles recently. I thought he was sick. He isn’t someone who would act like that. That’s why I asked. Were you cast somewhere? He told me no. Then I asked again. Then why do you look so happy?”

Sunggoo refilled his glass. He didn’t drink it this time.

“He told me he finally found the one. You know? There was something he always mentioned. He said that there lies a true actor somewhere in this world. He wasn’t someone who liked idealism, but for some reason, he kept saying that. I think that you are the actor he’s been looking for this whole time, Miss Haejoo.”

“I’m nothing like….”

“I don’t know you that well, Miss Haejoo. However, I do know the man known as lee Junmin. He tried to protect you and based on the fact that he did that without hesitation, I believe that you’re worth trusting, Miss Haejoo.”

Sunggoo gave me a business card. The prosecutor mark and the word Seoul entered my eyes.

“If something happens because of this incident, call that number. I will help you as much as I can. Also, keep in mind that this isn’t your fault.”

I stared at the business card and the filled glass. Just then, my head felt cold. Water flowed down and dripped off my hair onto the table.

“Kang Seoyeon!”

“It’s all your fault. Because of you, Junmin is!”

“Hey, Kang Seoyeon!”

The smell of soju was ringing in the air. It entered my eyes, making my eyes hurt. I lifted my head up in a daze. I saw Seoyeon, venting her anger with a haggard face, as well as Sunggoo, who was trying to stop her.

“Seoyeon!”

“It’s because of her. It’s because of HER! You saw it, didn’t you? You saw the CCTV footage! Junmin died trying to save this girl. That foolish guy died! Just to save this girl!”

“Seoyeon, stop!”

“How can I stop? How could I possibly stop! Junmin was my… I… Junmin….”

Seoyeon fell down and curled up. She cried loudly as though she was trying to fill the funeral hall. I couldn’t say a word to her. I knew that anything that escaped my mouth - even my breath - would hurt her. I’m not someone who should be here. I’m like that piece of dried out rice cake….

“I’m sorry.”

I kneeled and lowered my head. Would my guilty conscience become better if she swears at me more? There was no reaction even after a few seconds. When I raised my head, what I saw was Seoyeon’s face, which had given up on scorning me. She was half-dead. She looked even more hurt than I was. That… that was what made me feel even worse.

“Miss Jung Haejoo.”

I left the funeral venue as I heard Sunggoo call out to me. Only after I left did I realize that I hadn’t brought an umbrella, forgot to wear shoes, and that my feet were bleeding. But who cares? What good was that? That didn’t kill people. A truck was required at least to kill a person.

I saw a 6-lane road in the distance. People that started up the morning were busily driving. If I throw my body there, will the busily working people clean me up? The moment I was about to let death take my body, the thought that it would inconvenience them woke me up. I wasn’t afraid of death; I was afraid of inconveniencing others with my death. The bitch that drove a man to death is now haunting people by committing suicide - I honestly didn’t want to hear something like that.

Is this why people went to one of the bridges over the Han river? There was no need for cleanup, and did not pain anyone either. It’s such a neat cleaner of death. I kept walking. I kept walking and walking without knowing where the bridge was. I could hear people murmuring around me. Look at that, it’s blood.

I kept walking down the road and eventually came across a bridge. I didn’t know what bridge it was, but I felt like I could jump off it. For this moment, I found it fortunate that I lived in Seoul. There was a quick and easy method to commit suicide so nearby.

I walked up to the bridge. I could see the river below. The river, which I never looked at closely before, was murky. Would this memory sink with my body so that it would never come up again?

“How charming is that.”

Not having any family members was convenient at a time like this. Perhaps it was a happy thing that there weren’t many people to grieve for me. I grabbed the banisters and lifted my legs.

“How about you live another life?”

Someone spoke from a distance away. I looked at that person for a while before putting strength into my arms. I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to hear anything. What I want to do now is to throw my body into that body of water.

“Will dying change anything?”

Those words stopped me. What did that mean? Was this person a civil worker? The kind that is affected by people committing suicide? Is that why there was a patrol here?

“I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t intend for you to apologize. It’s just, I want to give you an opportunity.”

“An opportunity?”

“Yes, an opportunity. Well, to introduce myself briefly, I’m an entertainer of sorts.”

“Entertainer?”

“Yes. I provide gods with entertainment or something like that.”

What did that even mean? For some reason, though, my mind kept being attracted to that person. That person’s appearance was rather peculiar. I couldn’t discern whether it was a man or a woman. The person looked like a man, and yet a woman.

“I will bring Mr. Lee Junmin back to life.”

“What?”

“It’s just as you heard. I will bring Mr. Lee Junmin back to life. Not only that, I will hand him some things that might help him in his life. Furthermore, you will also return. Return to the time before that terrible traffic accident happened.”

Did this person even understand what was being said? Was this person some kind of lunatic? Or was this person just like me, someone that came to commit suicide? If this person was trying to play a prank just before committing suicide, well, the target was wrong.

“I’m not a lunatic, and this is not a prank either. I’m just offering you an opportunity. What do you think?”

“Bring that person back to life?”

“Yes.”

“Ha, haha. Go ahead, try all you want. If you can, I’d be willing to give you my soul or anything.”

“You’re rather straight to the point. But since this is for entertainment, there are a few things I must warn you about.”

That person came up to me and continued speaking,

“First up, you will lose your memories.”

[1] Spicy beef soup. Often served in Korean funerals. Wikipedia for more info

[2] Ricecakes. Also often served in funerals. Wikipedia for more info

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