If I had not been a girl, not been an underwitch with tangled cords for a soul, and instead, I had been one of Hexis's creations, I would have cried out to wherever her nothing place was and asked why she had made me with the flaws that she had.

What good did it do for me to be as open hearted as I was?

Feeling what I felt for the warden, knowing that after less than two days he had found a place in my heart that no one else had ever occupied, all it had done was leave me open to pain.

Why was I allowed to dream with none of those dreams could ever become real?

I would never be the warden. I would never call Silkcradle my home. Anna and I would never spend our lives, taking care of all of the unbonded familiars.

Tana would.

The warden had given me a good dream, he had helped me feel what it would be like to have a father, but none of it had been real. Not as real as Tana being his actual flesh and blood.

How had I not seen it before?

When Precept Seram had told us of our trip, she had said that it had been Tana's idea. The warden had mentioned that his beloved was a sorceress several times, and that he still had things he had to look after before he could stop being the warden. He had not been talking about familiars. He had been talking about his daughter. Only I, with all the memories of every sorceress that had ever lived inside my mind, could be forgetful enough to not notice that his eyes were the same shade of blue as hers.

If I was a familiar, I would demand that Hexis tell me why I was allowed to think and feel and act, if I was going to be too dumb to protect myself.

There had been too much good in my short life since Mother Gwyn's punishment. I had grown careless with my heart and forgotten how much there truly was that wished to hurt me. I had been laying in the dirt outside the manor, my whole body a single bleeding wound, at least there had been no illusions to fool me about what my life would be like.

It would be like Sam's.

An endless cycle of discomfort and pain. There would be brief moments that I was allowed to be myself and to be happy, but their only purpose was to make the pain feel new again.

Amoranora and all the memories I had made during it? A festive trap that had been set so Azza's punishment would hurt more.

Rhiannon's love and encouragement? A too thin branch I had climbed that was meant to break when I discovered that I had been sent to Lun Arcanicil to fail.

Anna, the person who was most important to me in all of chaos, was treated as a toy that would be taken away from me if I acted out.

From whoever my familiar had been before, he had been made into Samsara. He was bound to grow, die, and grow again.

From Autumn, I had been made into Ire. I was bound to be hurt, heal, and be hurt again.

But I was no familiar, I could not beg my creator for the answers to my plight. I was a girl, I was an underwitch, and I already knew why I suffered so.

The worst part of it all, the absolute worst part of seeing Tana be held in the arms of her father, is there was someone you could make the hurting stop.

The problem was, she was an unknowable distance away, and I had no way to. . .

I heard the warden speaking as my foolish idea brought me out of the terrible thoughts in my mind.

"Yes, yes, yes. I missed you too. Come, introduce me to your friends." The bearded man smiled down at his daughter, and I forced myself to look away.

It hurt too much to watch him be her father. It hurt too much to know that after all the time she had spent wanting what I had, it was I who wished to be her.

Precept Seram had stood and she gestured to each of the new moons as she called out their names. "You have already met Underwitch Ire, but this is Underwitch Mallory. She has one of the sharpest wits I have ever met. This is Underwitch Vanda, the oldest new moons and a very competent healer. And this is Underwitch Plia. If you have any food, hide it well, because she will find it and eat it."

"Well met, all," The warden nodded as he gently placed Tana back on her feet. "I hope Puddles here hasn't given you too much grief, she can be a real handful."

"Puddles?" Mallory demanded in open mouthed surprise.

Tana drew back her fist and hit her father on his arm. "I told you not to call me that in front of them!"

The warden threw back his head and let out one of his good laughs. It filled the meeting grounds and pushed new waves of sorrow through me with every chuckle. "When she was young. Well, when she was younger and her aura had first come to her, all she could make were these little puddles, like someone had spilled a glass of water. Small as they were, she flooded the house with them. She was such a sickly child, her mother and I were just so happy she was feeling better, that we started calling her puddles."

"Shut up!" Tana cried as she hit him again, but nothing about it felt wrong in nature.

It was just a father lightheartedly embarrassing his daughter in front of her classmates.

It made me sick, and I took it as the opening that it was.

Piling Anna's gifts in my arms, I threw my leg over the far side of Taloo and tried my best to slide off him without a sound. Just like before my knees buckled when my feet touched the overgrown ground of the jungle, but I was able to throw my back against the familiar's black and gray bulk to catch myself.

"Where go?" The big raccoon asked as I tried to hold onto all of the things I had gathered.

"Home," I whispered. "Goodbye, Taloo."

"Where home? Taloo come see soon." He matched the hushed tone of my voice with his own high pitched whistling.

"It's not a place. Don't tell anyone I left, please." I whispered back as I began to creep away from the meeting grounds.

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Auden gave me away.

The four eyed wolf did not rush over and bite me or do anything else that I had been expecting. He barely did anything at all. It was enough to make everyone look at me, but it was little more than a glance.

"Why is she wearing my dress?" I heard Tana ask aloud.

Of course the thin green dress was hers. Of course I had to be wearing her clothes. Anything else would have been too kind. If I knew it wouldn't make Anna ask a bunch of questions that I did not want to answer, I would have made plans to burn it in the fireplace of our quarters when I returned.

"Ire helped me with Amabura this morning. He actually stood up and walked around, can you believe it?" I heard the warden say as I continued on my way.

"He did?" Tana asked, obvious surprise in her voice.

"Mmhmm. Ire has a way with familiars, I've never seen anything like it." The warden answered.

My back was turned to her, but I could feel Tana frowning at her father's words.

"Underwitch Ire," Precept Seram called after me in her perfectly pleasant tone. "Where are you off to?"

Lying came easy when all I cared about was getting away.

"I have to use the bathroom." I called back to her without turning around or stopping.

"I understand. Tana will be staying here for a few days while she adjusts to her new familiar, do you wish to tell her goodbye?" Precept Seram asked.

Being honest came even easier when I felt the way I did.

"No." I shouted back, a thorny vine dragging across the top of my foot as it almost tripped.

"You're going the wrong way, Ire. The cabin is that way. Head towards the beach." The warden's voice reached me and I stopped at the sound of it.

Leaving him felt like the hardest thing I had ever done, but I had to do it unless I wanted my memories of him to turn sour.

"Thank you, warden." I said quietly as I corrected my direction and left the meeting grounds with my arms full of gifts.

"I'll come see you before you go." I heard him say, but if I had my way, I would be halfway down the singing stairs before they realized I was gone.

The black gate was already open, Droth had told us all that. I would go to the cabin, get my things, pack Anna's bag, and leave Silkcradle without a trace.

I waited as long as I could, and walked as far as I could stand before I broke into a run. The heavy sobs that wracked my chest made me feel like I was crying, but I was unsure if they were actual tears. I made it all the way into the cabin and collapsed atop my bed roll before I was forced to wipe my face on the back of my arm.

Anna's bag in my uniform were right where I had left them. There were no signs that anyone had bothered them, but I knew in my aching heart. The Tana had gone through the bag. She had seen Fetti-Gami's confetti and read Anna's note. I knew that like I knew Alexei had lied to me on the bridge outside of Hymneth.

As fast as I could through my sobbing, I tried to stuff all of the gifts in my uniform into the bag, but I ran out of room long before I had packed it all away.

I left my blue silk dress on the floor where it lay. I didn't care about it and if I had touched it, I likely would have blown it to shreds like I tried to do with Bruce.

Once, twice, three times I packed and unpacked the bag, growing more and more frustrated with every failed attempt.

With the fourth failure, I dumped it all out and threw myself onto my back in anger.

All the other bed rolls were gone. The cabin was empty save for its raised wooden floor in the mess that was spread out underneath me.

I don't know why that made my heart hurt more, but it did, and I hated the others for it. It was just another reminder that I was not like them. I was a new moon, but I was not a part of the new moons. I could go to class with him, wear the same uniform, and go on trips, but none of them had to be worried about being taken away. None of them had to live with the truth that their lives were not their own.

"Do you need help?" An expressionless voice said from somewhere near me.

I threw myself up to see Alexei standing at my feet.

Almost blind from the tears that were spilling over my cheeks, I kicked at his legs and missed every time.

"Stop doing that! I hate when you sneak up on me!" I shouted at my white haired guard.

He knelt down and caught my ankle between his thumb and fore finger, his grip so strong that my leg might as well have been back in Bru's jaws.

"Then do not be so easy to sneak up on. Calm yourself or I will calm you." He said. The emotionless stare of his one white eye told me that he meant what he said.

I didn't care. I didn't care if he liked me, and I didn't care if he ever answered another of my questions.

"Go away! You aren't gonna do anything because you're scared to use your power!" I shouted back at him, uselessly, trying to free my leg from his grasp.

Alexei smiled his wolfish smile and I stopped struggling. "I suspected that you would search The Well for memories that I was in. Be careful what you learn, Ire. The truth will cut you like a blade if you do not handle it with care."

I had never seen such anger in his eyes, but before I could ask him what he meant, Precept Seram appeared in the doorway and closed the paper door behind herself.

"Underwitch Ire? Are you well?" She asked gently as she knelt down beside my bedroll.

Alexei withdrew and leaned himself against the wall opposite us.

"I am fine." I whispered, my eyes still locked on my guard. He was nothing like the warden. There was no warmth, no comfort, just his white eyed stare and the cold feeling it filled me with.

"Spotless. I was worried that you had fallen ill with the way you left the meeting grounds. The others are already on their way up the mountain. It is time to go. Let me help you pack," She said, taking Anna's bag and placing it on her lap. Folding my cloak, jacket, the silk dress, and my stockings, she placed them in the bottom of the bag neatly. "The rest of this will be difficult, but fortunately for us both, I am one of the best packers in all of chaos."

I watched her do what I had failed to do so easily, and felt weak from how kind she was being.

I could talk to Precept Seram. She was my teacher, that is what she was for.

I sniffled through another sob and let my head hang down as I admitted what was bothering me. "I wish I had a dad."

"Ah. So that is what this is about, what you and Precept Jasna have in common. If you would like to talk to her about it, I could arrange a meeting." Precept Seram said as she struggled to fit the chalice into the bulging bag.

Alexei's eyes narrowed.

"What?" I asked as I wiped my face on my arm once again.

My teacher found the right way to put Durath's golden gift inside and spoke as she did it. "Where, or rather, who, you both come from. Mother Namiana told us all when you gained admittance, but do not worry. We all took vows of secrecy. None of the other moons know or will know."

My sadness was momentarily forgotten in my confusion. "I don't know what you mean. Who do I come from?"

"There we are. Spotless. And without an inch to spare," Precept Seram said as she buckled the last buckle of the bag and picked it up to make sure that it would hold the weight of all that was inside it. "I was under the impression that you were aware of Precept Jasna. That she is the daughter of a sorcerer like you. If anyone can help you with what has upset you, it is her. And again, you have my word that no one knows except for the Precept's and Mother Namiana."

Nami had lied to all of the Precepts on my behalf. All of Lun's teachers thought that I came from a sorcerer.

One of the paper panels of the door ripped open as a clawed hand cut through it and slid the door open.

Taloo fought to fit his black and grey bulk through the doorframe, but after a long fight, he slipped into the cabin as the victor.

"For bag. From Nessa and Taloo." He said as he dropped a hand sized sea shell onto the bedroll beside me.

At the same moment, the buckles of my bag burst and Anna's gifts came spilling out of the top of it.

Precept Seram smiled and clapped her hands just as the warden had a habit of doing. "How fun. I love a challenge."

Alexei left the cabin without a word.

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