Geoffrey inhaled sharply. The tension in the air shot through the roof.
Activity swirled in the Count's mind as he struggled to find the right words, if they existed at all. Even without the benefit of our mental connection, the look of resigned despair that shadowed Geoffrey's face told me that he had no intention of denying the accusations.
Good for him, I thought.
He started to speak, drawing out his words. "Karl… I…"
But from the scowl on Karl's face, I realized they were on the precipice of a misunderstanding. Karl could easily think Geoffrey's reticence was an attempt to muster up that storied silver tongue of his to pivot away from the accusations.
"Karl—" I began, but the young man interrupted me.
"—Don't try to tell me it didn't happen, Geoffrey. We looked through the modern records. You went down in history for it. Be happy, Count Athelmarch, your ancestor is no longer the only thing that will come to mind when people think of you."
Geoffrey shook his head. "Karl, I wasn't going to try to dissuade you." He lowered his head. "I know," he said, with a nod, "I know the moderns remember my shame."
"Why didn't you tell us?" Karl asked. "If you knew what you did was evil, then—
"—Wait, you didn't know?" I asked. I looked Karl in the eyes.
Karl tossed Geoffrey a glare. "None of us knew." He wiped his sleeve across his face.
Geoffrey gave a solemn nod. "No, only the commanders knew."
Karl's voice broke. "Geoffrey, you…" He exhaled. "Once, you told me that every life was sacred. You told me that's why men can pick up the sword and still hope for the Angel's grace."
Geoffrey nodded again. "Yes, that's because it protects what's most precious."
But Karl shook his head in dismay. "Was all that a lie?"
Geoffrey looked Karl in the eyes. "Karl…" He gesticulated severely. "…everything I did, I did for our nation, and for my own honor. I didn't want my descendants to suffer for Eadric's sins like I had. No one should bear the blame for their ancestors' wrongs."
But Karl bit his lips and shook his head. "How can you say that? You saw what it did!"
"You think I don't know that?"
"If you did, then why'd you do it? Darkpox isn't just a disease, it's evil. The things it does… you'd have to have a black heart to do that to someone else."
"The Angel will hold me to account," Geoffrey said, raising his gaze to the blue, blue sky. "What else can I say?"
Karl's eyes twinkled with fresh tears. "But what if He doesn't?"
Geoffrey stared. "What?"
The young man shook his head. "I don't know what I believe anymore. I don't know what's even real anymore. But… I do know that it… it isn't right to leave things to the afterlife. I nearly ruined my own Paradise with my guilt. I don't want that. I don't want there to be lingering regrets. I don't want to put these things off anymore. I'm tired of waiting for change to come."
I nodded approvingly. "It sounds like you've been talking to Dr. Rathpalla," I said.
"Yeah," Karl said, "I have. He… he told me I'm suffering from 'hero worship'." His lips quivered as he looked Geoffrey in the eyes again. "You're my hero, Geoffrey. I w—…" He stammered. "I wanted to be you!"
Geoffrey wept. "Karl…"
The young man clenched his fists. "I wanted to be strong and noble, Geoffrey, because you were strong and noble. When I was afraid and alone, I felt so small, but then you came into my life, and you were like sunshine. My father told me I would never amount to anything, and until I met you, and Bever, and Morgan, and everyone… until then, I believed him."
Ibrahim had done good work with the kid. I wondered how many hours they'd spent in shared mind-worlds working through Karl's issues. Karl really had matured since I'd seen him last. Though he still faltered, he was standing up tall like never before. He carried his words where he willed them, and refused to lose himself in his anxieties.
"Karl, you've grown a great deal since we last talked," I said. "You've come a long way. You should be proud of that."
"Dr. Rathpalla helped," he said. "He helped me so much. So, so much." He cried, and his tears were happy.
Geoffrey glanced at me, pounding a hand against his dark blue doublet. "And Dr. Howle helped me!" he said. "Angel's mercy, I was wrong to chase honor."
I nodded. In the hours I'd spent confined to Staff Lounge 3, Geoffrey had been slowly but steadily progressing in our therapy sessions.
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"That's right," I said. "Though it's fine to aim high, we should be realistic with our expectations. Otherwise, we'll keep chasing dragons and end up ruining ourselves in the process."
Geoffrey nodded in agreement.
"Karl," I said, "you can't imagine how much remorse Geoffrey feels for his actions. He felt them in life, and they still ache him, even now. If you want, I can share those feelings with you."
"You can do that?" Karl said.
Geoffrey nodded vigorously. "Please," he said. His lips contorted as he turned to Karl. "I… I nearly took my own life over the guilt, Karl. If anything," he laughed bitterly, "I'm glad we stumbled forward through time. If we hadn't, I'd have spent the rest of my life living with this pain."
Unfortunately, Karl didn't react well to my suggestion. If anything, it perturbed him.
Uh-oh…
"So… you felt bad?" he asked. "Geoffrey, I've felt bad my whole life!"
Geoffrey lashed out with his arm. "And you think I haven't?"
Karl retracted. "N-No, but…" He sighed.
"Dr. Howle, is experiencing Geoffrey's feelings supposed to make his actions okay?" He turned to Geoffrey again. "I know you felt remorse, Geoffrey. I remember everything. I can look through my memories, and see you holding onto your guilt. I did, and Dr. Rathpalla did, too. I can see every one of those moments I caught you spent staring off into the horizon, or lurking outside the bivouac while everyone else was asleep. I can't forget any of it." Karl looked at me. "Dr. Rathpalla told me that I wasn't a useless, broken person, and though I know I'm not useless, I… I still feel broken. How am I supposed to go forward knowing that my hero wasn't who I thought he was?"
"I'm still the same person, Karl!" Geoffrey said.
"It's your eyes that have changed, Karl," I said. "You don't see Geoffrey the way you used to."
"Yes, and I don't know what to do about it," Karl said.
"I can try to help," I replied, "if you'll let me."
And then, Karl gave me the strangest stare.
"I don't know if I want to," he said.
"Why not?"
"Dr. Rathpalla told me what you and the others do for the spirits in your care, and I appreciate how it helped me, but… isn't what you do still a form of lying?"
"What?" I asked. "How?"
"I know you don't mean it that way," Karl said, "but… if you think about it… in what you do, you're still toying with other people's hearts and souls, making them feel things that aren't real."
"That's not a lie," I said. "That's giving them knowledge. I'm not manipulating them, I'm showing them what—"
"—No, Dr. Howle," Karl said, "that's not what I mean."
"Then what do you mean?" Geoffrey asked.
The young man glared at me. "Dr. Howle, you lied to us. You used us, and because of that, everything went to shit. And now…" He lowered his head. "…now, my anger? That's all I have left. That's the only part of myself that's still me and hasn't changed! Do you want me to just paper over it? How is that right? How is that just?"
"I…"
"What you show spirits might be knowledge," Karl said, "but it still destroys who they are, because it changes them. Yeah, it might help, but does that make it right? Right and wrong can't just be only a matter of consequences, because then… then what Geoffrey did would have been right, because it was what let us get the Mewnees to go back to where they came from, and that… that…" He shook his head. "That can't be right," he said. "It just can't be."
I looked at Geoffrey, and then at Karl, and then sighed and nodded. "You're right, Karl."
The young man blinked at me in confusion.
You gotta keep 'em off guard like that; it's Psychiatry 101.
I continued. "Right and wrong and good and evil aren't mutually exclusive. Wonderful things can cause immense suffering, just as terrible deeds can help build a better future."
"But then everything is just misery," Karl said, "and I can't bear that."
I nodded again. "And neither can I. But… it's real, and it's not going away. Progress and grow all you like, but that pain and wrongdoing will always be there. Feeling bad is just the price we have to pay, and we have to pay it."
"Why?" Karl asked.
"Geoffrey already told you the answer: because life is sacred. People grow and evolve because it gives us ways to cope with our wounds. It's how we live with all the unhappy endings. We can't get rid of them, we can only build on them, toward the Sun. Please, Karl," I looked him in the eyes, "let me help you grow. I know you can do it. You've already come so far in such a short time."
Karl's lips quivered. His face was rife with doubt.
"But does that mean I just excuse what he did, Dr. Howle?" Karl said. "That doesn't feel right to me. It isn't just."
I nodded. "You're right. It isn't. That's why forgiveness is so difficult," I said. "It challenges us to disregard all the awful fudge that's been thrown our way, because that's the only way we can make room for a new tomorrow…" I looked at Geoffrey. This message was as much for him as it was for Karl. "… even though there's no guarantee that tomorrow will be any better than the day before it. And that's the rub: it's up to us to decide when forgiveness is merited and just." I sighed. "A grudge that has been set aside is a terror to behold when it's woken from its slumber."
"Then what are we supposed to do?" Geoffrey asked. "Karl hates me for all eternity?"
The young man looked down in shame.
"Karl," I said, "I'm not asking you to condone what Geoffrey did. Far from it. I'm asking you to risk going a new journey together. Whether or not you forgive him," I turned my gaze over to the Count, "Geoffrey will try to make amends one step at a time." I looked back at Karl. "The question isn't whether or not you'll accept what he's done. It's whether you want to follow him on this next journey."
My words definitely hit home. Karl shook his head in apprehension, nervous and hesitating.
"I… I…"
There was a rustle among the corn stalks as a figure stepped out of the cornfield. Geoffrey and I stepped back in shock at the sight of the red-skinned, four-armed humanoid stepping into view. He had fangs over his lips and horns curled back over his bone-white hair. He pressed his wooden sandals onto the dirt underfoot, sweeping his sheathed katanas across his deep black breeches.
"Alright," he said, crossing his arms, and glaring at Karl, "I've had enough of this. Karl," he said, "your misery is leaking everywhere. It's making our afterlives… weird."
Shaking his head, Karl bowed apologetically. "I'm sorry. It's… it's just so hard," he sighed. "Geoffrey is here," he added, gesturing at the Count. "He's finally here, and," Karl shook his head, "half of me wants to hit him in the face."
The four-armed demon's arrogant air softened. "So," he said, sizing up Geoffrey with a pointed stare, "this is him?"
Karl closed his eyes and nodded.
"You're lucky, Karl," the demon said. "When most friendships sour, they die. People don't often get the chance to make amends." He glanced at his hands. "I nearly didn't." He nodded. "If Geoffrey meant nothing to you—if he weren't worth knowing… I would cut him loose. But… I know you don't feel that way." The demon shook his head. "You're just hurting yourself." He sighed. "What I wouldn't give to speak to Lord Uramaru again. Don't waste this chance."
Did he just say, Lord Uramaru…?
My mouth hung ajar. "Ichigo?" I said.
The demon crossed his upper pair of arms. "Yes? What do you want?"
His tone was rather desultory.
Within me, Yuta's spirit rose to a surface like a fish toward the great but sky.
I smiled. "There's someone who'd like to speak with you."
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