Who was I to be so cruel?

"I'll make sure they get the money, Vim. The man's mother is a devotee. She's here all the time, I know her well," Rapti said softly next to me.

"Thank you Rapti," I said softly as I stared down at the thin white cotton sheet covering the man's body.

They had not yet had the service for the man, since they were planning to have it tomorrow. It was custom in these regions to have the ceremony and burial as soon as possible. Although they've been proselytized well, the pagan belief that they'd return as ghouls or some other nefarious creature if not promptly tendered was still ingrained in them. Though… He'd not be able to have his face revealed during the ceremony that was also custom to this religion and culture, thanks to half his head being caved in from the wall that had collapsed upon him as he slept. He had been on the floor near the fireplace.

Slept on the floor. Because his family did not have enough beds for everyone. He had slept on the floor, near the fireplace, so that his children and elders had use of the warm beds. A result of extended family moving in with them, having become destitute.

My finger twitched, and I had to start breathing again. As to make sure I didn't make another terrible mistake so quickly.

"This had to have been a divine action, Vim. Here I was demanding you to take action, and now I am shown proof of why you taking reckless action is ill fated," Rapti said softly, speaking almost as if she was talking to herself and not me.

Although I was in absolute no mood for this to be seen as some kind of prophetic teaching, I kept my mouth shut and allowed Rapti to think so.

It was wrong of me, but if Rapti wanted to ease up on me about being more than I am thanks to this man's death… then well…

Let it be, Vim.

Don't make this moment worse than it already was.

Even if it disturbed me almost as much as killing an innocent man as it was to hear people claim I was some higher power.

I blinked and sighed. "The family. They have somewhere else to stay? While their house is getting fixed?" I asked.

Rapti nodded gently. "Yes. They have other family in the city, several of them. Though they will have to be split up, a few to each house. And it won't take long to fix their home, especially not with the donation you just authorized," she said.

Authorized.

Donation.

I wanted to scoff, but didn't.

The money I had asked Rapti to allocate to the family, through her and the church, was no donation. It was appeasement. For myself.

That money was not to ease their burdens. It was a way for me to feel better. To numb the guilt and shame.

Wergild. Nothing more.

Though sadly I could pile all the coins in the world up at their feet and not feel any better.

At least it hadn't been the children.

Though… to me, was he not a child himself? Even from under the thin cloth I could see his youth. Likely not many winters older than twenty.

He looked as young as Renn did.

"I've… also found out about the ship, Vim," Rapti then said.

I blinked and turned a little, barely able to pull my eyes away from the man's corpse. "Yeah?" Let me guess, more bad news.

"No one had been onboard. In fact the ship had been docked for repairs. The hull had been having problems. The Orchid family owned it. One of the few prominent nobles of this town."

I noted the tone in her voice. She too was happy to know no one else had died or gotten hurt… yet sounded a little peeved all the same.

"Just because it had been owned by the wealthy, and falling apart already, doesn't excuse what I did Rapti," I said.

The peacock gave me a rather nice smile as she nodded. "I figured you'd say that. The daughter of the family, one who recently got engaged, comes to every service. She even tithes dutifully, and accurately too as far as I'm aware. If you'd like I can give her some of your funds too, though I'm sorry Vim I do not know how much a ship is worth so you'll have to help me there," she said.

Right… I didn't know what one was worth at the moment either.

I wanted to leave. Before I caused more problems, honestly, and also to continue on my path. I desperately needed to finish my route and get back to Telmik as fast as possible, to confront Light and the Chronicler. Though I was also trying to not do so too quickly. I wanted my anger to subside a little before I finally met them face to face.

I didn't have time to properly assess the damage I'd done and deal with it properly. Which was why I was here, now, asking Rapti to handle it all for me.

"For now let's just give them three gold coins. It's probably worth more than that, it had been a three-mast ship, but with that much they'd be able to purchase another already built ship. If it was worn that's good enough," I said.

"Three to the wealthy noble and one to the poor family who just lost one of their main bread-winners, very well," Rapti said.

"You sound like Renn," I said as what was left of my soul writhed in shame.

"Hardly. I can't wait to hear what she says when she finds out who gets what," she said.

Right… I wasn't looking forward to that at all.

I sighed. "A gold coin could buy that family a dozen houses here. A single gold coin could not replace that ship. It's not a matter of the man's life not being worth a ship, it's a matter of impact. Anything more than a gold coin to the family would draw massive suspicion. Even that single gold coin will, that's why I asked you to give them the money over the year slowly in installments. Whereas that noble family who owns such ships can take those three gold coins and no one will bat an eye, not even them," I said.

"I know Vim… I was just pointing out the failures of our society," Rapti said softly.

Whatever. "If you have a problem with it do as you will. You have five coins. Hand them out as you see fit," I said.

I'd given her all I had. Nevi didn't have a bank or anything here that our Society had relations with, so the only resources at our disposal currently were what we had on us.

Renn had a few more, and although I knew she'd happily give them without a thought if I asked for them, I didn't want to leave her without resources if she needed them. Especially since… well…

If I, or we, ended up actually going to war with the Chronicler and the rest, there was a chance we would be denied access to the funds we've been reliant upon for so long.

And no matter how you tackled reality, the firm truth was one needed money to travel. No matter how frugal you were. And until I went to one of the places I've stored and hoarded wealth and items, we had what we had and nothing more.

Plus... Renn was not frugal. Not in the sense of how much she ate, at least.

"With permission then, I shall use the coins properly. Thank you," Rapti said.

I huffed and shook my head. Who knows what she was going to do with them, then. Honestly… I didn't need to worry about how she'd distribute them. I knew Rapti, I knew her well. She'd likely just feed the homeless better food for the next year or two with them, is all. After giving what she figured was necessary to the families I'd wronged.

Looking back at the cotton draped man, I glared at him.

I didn't need more stress at the moment… but at least it had only been one life, and not thousands.

"You glare at him as if it was his fault, Vim," Rapti said softly.

"I don't blame him. It's not his fault he, like all of you, are so weak," I said.

"Is anything strong enough to survive your existence, Vim?" she asked.

"Just because we're alone doesn't mean you get to become so blunt about it," I said.

"I'd have asked even had we been in front of an audience, Vim. Or well… that would be a lie, so I should add that the audience would have to be our members, I suppose," Rapti corrected herself.

I shook my head at her. "You'd be surprised who and what has survived me. More than a few have done so, even though they shouldn't have," I said.

"Mercy or…?"

"Failure. Those I speak of were ones who needed to be eliminated, at any costs. And I had failed to accomplish it," I said.

"Ah…"

Rapti went quiet, and I heard the sound of someone approaching down the hallway.

"Time for me to go. I'll see you later tonight Rapti," I said as I turned to head for the door. I was in no mood to deal with nuns. Let alone the human ones.

"Mhm… It is right of you to feel pain and regret Vim… but please, do not ignore our plights just because of moments like this. We are all equal, but you've vowed to place us above them. You vowed."

I paused before the door, glanced back at Rapti… and glared at the woman who was now bowing her head and clasping her hands before the corpse. As to pray for him.

Shaking my head I left the cold room and ventured into the hallway. Sure enough a pair of nuns were approaching. I walked past them, bowing my head gently in grace, and was thankful neither of them spoke to me as we passed.

Leaving the hallway, I left the church and found the rain had eased up a little. It was now only a light mist.

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

And I also found Renn.

She perked up at the sight of me. She had been standing on the opposite side of the street, across from the church, under a building's extended roof canopy. For what was likely some kind of shop. It, like most stuff on the street at the moment, was closed and dark inside. It was late afternoon, plus it was considered a holy day. Most of the shops in this town were closed today.

Leaving the church, I walked over to Renn since she had stayed still under the canopy. She wore her heavy cloak and jacket, and the rain wasn't that heavy, but it seemed she didn't want to leave its safety just yet.

Or… maybe she wasn't sure if I wanted to be left alone or not.

I did. I wanted to jump in the nearby sea and swim until I couldn't no more. But I knew better than to do so.

"Hey Vim…" Renn greeted me with a soft voice. One that I could hear had been her attempt at sounding jubilant, but had failed to do so.

"Where's Meriah?" I asked. She and Renn had been out here when I had entered the church. They hadn't entered out of request. I had gone in to talk to Rapti, to find out the details. Though Renn and Meriah wouldn't have been too conspicuous, being women and with Meriah looking like a traveling nun, I had not wanted them to enter alongside me. Just in case something drastic happened.

It was one thing for me to become some public enemy; it was another for them to be so.

But as expected no one had even noticed the three of us during the commotion. Humans were sometimes observant, but rarely when it concerned what they considered genuine acts of god. They couldn't comprehend that a man just shifting his weight could cause a whole house to half-collapse or a ship to capsize.

"She told me to not expect to see her until morning. I don't know where she went," she said.

"To be alone. Meriah can only handle company in small doses," I said.

"Oh…? Where will she go? Won't she get cold or tired?" Renn asked.

"I've never been very sure where she goes or what she does. I don't pry, Renn. She wants to be left alone during such moments, so that's what I do. In fact, I'm honestly surprised it took this long for it to happen. She nearly spent a whole day with you and Rapti without a break, that's a record for her I think," I said.

"Was it…? Really?" Renn perked up at that, her happy tone finally sounding legitimate.

I nodded. "Really. She usually only sticks around for a few hours and then leaves, coming back only for a short time and then leaving for good. The only times she actually sticks around entirely, is when it's a life and death situation. Which… well…" I hesitated, since I was about to say it wasn't such a thing at the moment.

Yet life had obviously been lost just recently.

Because of me.

"You hadn't done that on purpose Vim…" Renn whispered.

"You figured out what I meant…?" I asked, a little surprised she did.

"It was obvious," she said.

Was it…? Something told me most others wouldn't have known in that context, had they been listening.

Glancing around, I made sure no one was watching us. There were still a few people strolling around the area. Likely either those who had just been at the service, or people just walking around or heading home. The church was located near the center of the city, near the larger markets, so it was usually busy.

The lack of anything in the world around me to distract myself annoyed me, so I looked back at Renn… and found her softly smiling at me.

"What?" I asked.

Her smile didn't falter as she shifted a little, and gave me a tiny shrug. "I liked the pancakes, you know."

Huh…? Oh. Right. The diner last night.

"I'm glad," I said. That had been a good distraction for me. For the short time it had occupied me, at least.

"They were lovely. I especially liked how both Meriah and Rapti seemed to genuinely enjoy them too. I don't think Rapti to be someone who indulges like that often, so it was nice to see her be a little gluttonous. Though there has been something I've been… kind of wanting, to tell you the truth," she then said.

Hm… "Your smoothie?" I asked.

Her smile turned into a huge grin. "Yeah!"

Smoothies. While I felt like absolute shit, with unsettled anger and resentment stirring within me.

Yeah. Why not.

"Can either make some ourselves or find a place to eat," I suggested.

"Actually…! There's a fancy place, Rapti told me about it. It's open, even now, down that way," Renn turned and pointed, smiling excitedly as she did.

"Fancy?" I asked. What'd she mean by that?

"Some new place. Rapti said people have told her it's got really good food too," she said as she stepped away, heading in the direction she had pointed.

She wasn't even going to wait to see if I was up to it, was she? Though it wasn't like I'd deny her. I wasn't stupid.

Turning to join her, I decided this was what I needed, even if it wasn't what I wanted.

I did not want to flirt, or talk to anyone really. I wanted to do what Meriah had done. To slip away and just… think. Brood, maybe.

But I knew how badly that went. That man, lying on cold stone under white cotton in Rapti's church, was just another reminder of what happened when I allowed my emotions to blind me to the world around me.

One of countless.

"Though I don't know if they have smoothies… do fancy places have smoothies Vim?" Renn asked worriedly as she turned to look at me. I wasn't walking fast enough for her, it seemed.

"Remember that place we ate at in Lumen? With the musician? That had been fancy, and they had smoothies," I said. How can she have such perfect memory yet not remember all the times we've talked about this? Her favorite drinks were just mashed up and slightly cold fruits and stuff.

"Oh…! Right! Good!"

Taking my place next to her, I picked up my pace a little as to keep up. She had a small pip to her step, obviously very excited at what we were going to do here shortly.

Honestly I should make her a real smoothie. One not just puree and mashed but a blended one.

Was there any cultures or nations that had such things today? I couldn't think of any. The finest smoothies we've had during our travels were likely the ones in Lumen so far. Those had been likely made with a sieve. They weren't bad at all, but the texture and smoothness of a blended drink was far different than one she was used to.

In fact, depending on Renn's taste she might not even like a blended smoothie in the first place…

Yet…

As we walked, and I studied the way she hummed while grinning, swaying in expectation, I wondered why I wasn't as annoyed as I should be.

I'd been with women before. More than I could count. I've had my fair share of relationships, unlike Renn, and this was not the first time I've been… upset, while my partner wanted to have fun and enjoy life.

Usually it was moments like this that I broke the connection. Where I drew the line and stepped away from whomever I was spending my time with.

Typically, when this happened, my partner at the time either didn't notice my disgruntled self… or they did, and like Renn, tried to cheer me up. I normally didn't even give them the chance to do so, or care for it when they did.

I didn't like being treated like a child. Nor did I like it when people tried to understand what I felt during such moments.

Because they didn't know. They didn't comprehend. And they never would.

Even those like Renn, non-humans, had no idea what it was like to be so… dangerous.

So wrong.

They had an inkling. More than humans could acquire… but it was nothing compared to the truth. Even the ones who should be able to understand, like monarchs, rarely did too. Because they didn't see death the same way I did. To them it wasn't as… personal.

And so, when people usually tried to relate to me or understand me in such moments… rarely if ever did it work or did I care if it did or not. I didn't want to be understood, nor did I care if I was either. So it just pissed me off usually when people tried. I wanted space and to be left alone, usually, not the opposite. Yet instead of being annoyed or bothered, I found myself wanting to reach out and take her hand. To see just what she planned to do, or say to me. Would she try to relate…? She once told me about those she's hurt on accident. We've talked about this before. I had even told her of some children I had once killed on accident.

The difference between then and now though was I hadn't just done the deed. And… well…

Glancing at Renn, I felt strangely anxious for some reason.

What if her attempts didn't work? What if I just grew even more upset or disenfranchised because of her…?

It scared me, to think she'd fail to uplift me or distract me from my burdens… but at the same time I wanted to find out if she was capable of it or not.

How lovely it would be if she could.

We rounded a corner and Renn pointed at a building. One with a fancier than normal canopy, and it even had a rug just in front of its entrance. A rare sight in today's era, especially for a place like this. "There it is."

"Hm…" I nodded as I glanced at her, and made sure that she had her hat on under her hood. She did.

"It smelled good the other day. I was going to invite Meriah and Rapti, but well…" Renn continued to sound happy as we headed for the restaurant. As we did a pair of people walked out of it. They unfolded an umbrella and headed down the opposite way, away from us.

I studied the older couple, and wondered how much longer it would be until all of humanity looked like them. Moderately wealthy. Happy. Able to enjoy life's little luxuries such as eating out on a date every so often.

There was still a very large portion of the human society that couldn't even imagine such a thing. Such as the man I had killed. He had lived in a house meant for maybe six or seven people at most, and had three whole generations living within it. They had been so stretched thin he had slept on the floor, not even with a hammock or something like it.

"Vim…?"

Stopping, I sighed as I realized I screwed up again. "Sorry Renn…" I turned to look at her. She had stopped a step behind me, and was now staring at me with a sad look. Not the happy smile she had just moments ago.

Why had I ignored her…? I had been enjoying her just a few heartbeats ago, hadn't I? I had even been wondering why I had been so unbothered by her, even though I felt like I should have been.

"Do you… not want to?" Renn then asked.

I gulped, since I think this was the first time Renn had ever spoken to me with such a tone.

It was the voice a woman used when scared. Afraid to be rejected. By someone they cherished.

"I would love to eat with you Renn, desperately so," I said honestly.

She didn't smile or step towards me. Instead she tilted her head and her eyebrows furrowed at me. "You look like you're about to cry," she said.

"My soul is already crying, Renn. It's in disarray. But I will be fine, I promise. I've endured this before, and in reality this is nothing. My killing of that man… the sinking of the boat… they are pale shadows compared to the strain of what is possibly the hard truth that I will likely have to destroy the backbone of the Society with my own hands here any day now," I said.

Renn made a noise. A whine. One that hurt even my heart. "Vim…!"

"Yet… as terrible as that all sounds… it is also nothing. Nothing I haven't endured before. Nothing I cannot face, nor won't be able to with ease. I've endured far, far worse," I told her.

"So why…" she whispered, as I smiled at her.

"So why do I seem so out of it? So bothered? Because I am, Renn. Because there's something even worse happening beyond all of this, and the issues are starting to pile up in ways I cannot allow. Otherwise we'll both get squished beneath their weight. And I can't allow that. I won't," I said.

Renn grabbed her arm, squeezing it tightly. I heard not just leather and soft cotton strain, but bones. "It's… this bad, and I did nothing but laugh and play games all day," she whimpered.

I scoffed at her. "Please Renn. What do you think you should have done? Weep? Become all depressed like me? No. My broodiness is enough for both of us," I said.

"I might not should have become depressed, but I shouldn't have acted as if all was well. It makes me seem heartless," she said.

"You? Heartless?" I asked.

She glared at me. I smiled.

A heavy raindrop fell on my head, reminding me that we were standing outside.

Right. Not the place to have this conversation.

I sighed and gestured at the restaurant. "May we eat Renn…?"

"Should we?" she whispered.

"Please let me act as if all is well for a moment. I'm in the mood to be heartless," I said.

A wry smile planted itself on her face. "Vim, that's horrible!"

"It was. And in bad taste, because everything will be okay Renn. I promise," I said.

Renn's smile tilted a little as she studied me… and then she stepped forward. I stood still, waiting for her to step over to me, and then I held my hand out. A few raindrops landed upon it before she took it, although seemingly a little reluctantly.

"Will it, Vim?" she asked softly.

I nodded, staring into her wonderful eyes. They looked like they were a little wet, and not from the mist and rain. "It will, Renn."

It would be.

I'd handle it. One way or another. I'll keep her, and as many in the Society, safe as much as was physically possible.

Beyond humanly possible.

I'd protect them.

Even if I had to destroy everything and rebuild it to do so.

Again.

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