To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Hi Maggie!

So, a funny thing happened 14 months ago...Let me explain.

No. There is too much. Let me sum up.

Gave an alien directions, got knocked through a portal, survived on the planet Ooafa for months, met the Ooafans, helped them out. We got invaded, took over the invaders' ship, met the neighbors, explored the area, did well enough to hire a ship, and came home, which took months.

How have you been?

Also, FFS I need some advice from friendly humans. Email me back ASAP, OK?

Nick

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Steve,

Dude. Have I got a story for you. Weirdest fucking year of my life.

No, this is not a fucking joke. It's me. Proof: I know who actually burned your parents' house down. You were with me that night, and I backed your play when you took the fall.

So, I fell through a portal to a planet named Ooafa. I shit you not.

It'll be all over the news soon, but I'm back. On a starship in orbit. The trip took months.

So, you probably know how to make me stupidly rich with the massive tech and science and books and other stuff I got from a few races of aliens. I need advice, badly, and fast. Email me ASAP.

Nick

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

To the best wingwoman a freshman could ever ask for,

Yeah, it's me. Nick. I've been to outer space, Ness. Portal sent me like 13000 light-years away and it took months to get back. I'm in orbit right now. Should be all over the news soon.

This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

Ness, I am in so far over my head it isn't even funny. HELP! Contact me ASAP. I need to talk to Presidents and shit. I've got a whole shipload of genies in bottles. Help me not destroy the planet by accident. I need some advice from another human, desperately.

Find a way to get me a hamburger and I will owe you forever. I would kill for human food right now.

Anything but fucking tuna, apples, or potato chips.

Talk to you soon,

Nick

To:[email protected]

From:[email protected]

Brian,

It's me, Nick. For real. If you don't believe me, tell Steve to check his email. I'm back, and I need help.

When the portals opened up on Market Street last year, I got sent to a planet over 13000 light-years away. Spent months surviving, met aliens, got a starship, took months to get home. There is SO much more but I will give you the details later.

Good news that is also bad news: I got a ton of high tech designs, math and science books from aliens, and more. Help me figure out how to cope. I am in desperate need of advice. Email me ASAP.

Nick

PS You are a man of culture. Check out the hot alien ship's doctor when she gets on the news soon.

To:[email protected]

From:[email protected]

Hi Sis,

I know you hate my guts, but I wanted to give you a heads up. I'm alive, I'm back, and about to be really famous, like, on the evening news everywhere famous. So if you want to brace yourself or hide from the press or whatever, you should probably hurry. Sorry for the hassle.

Sorry, in general.

Your dumbass brother,

Nick

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

What the fuck?

If this is really Nick, what did I wear to the senior prom?

If it isn't, this isn't funny and I will hire assassins to hunt you down and kill you for this sick joke.

Maggie

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

You wore the vomit green dress and proved it out back of the gym later that night.

Maggie, that reply is the first words I've gotten aimed at me from another human being in 14 months. I could kiss you right now.

Seriously, I am in orbit and I'm about to change the world. Help me not break it. Advice, PLEASE!

I'll send you a Voom link in a couple of minutes.

Nick (no really)

To:[email protected]

From:[email protected]

Nick,

Is that really you?

Where the hell are you? Come to my apartment if you're really you.

What's with the email address?

Brian

To:[email protected]

From: [email protected]

Dude, I can't come to your apartment, because A, I don't know where you live now, and B, I am in freaking orbit at the moment. For real. I'm sending Maggie a Voom in a minute, I'll link you in.

I'd call you, but they recycled my phone number. Email was easier to start with.

Nick

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Mr. Tomsun,

Attached are instructions for opening secure communications.

Please contact us at your earliest convenience.

Thank you.

Jason Everhill

Deputy Director for Intelligence, Central Intelligence Agency

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