Dear Diary,

"Self-Defense is not Vengeance, If you have things left to lose, Defend them, don't seek Vengeance." - Tabitha Diaz, Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Vengeance

This Verse clarifies that not all violence is Vengeance, which implies that not all Vengeance need be violent. Specifically, however, she specifies that defense of ourselves is not Vengeance. This also implies that defense of those we love is also not Vengeance. She also makes it clear that so long as we have those we would defend, we are to defend them rather than seeking Vengeance. - Priestess Most High Above All Others, Archmage Imperator Saffron Aetos-Diaz, Commentary on the Doctrine of Tabitha

Yeah, I still feel some kinda way about being a Goddess of Vengeance who isn't really all that cool with Vengeance. I mean, I get it, I've done it, most of the world still sees me as somehow catapulting myself into Demigodhood at the Battle of the Walls, I think, and that sure as shit was the most massive act of Vengeance I think I've personally witnessed. But that's... That's not... I guess what I'm trying to say is that something that I did without thinking when under the worst kind of stress imaginable isn't who I am.

That really does get into the heart of that debate, such as it is, though. 'Who I am'. Who any of us are. Are we who we are at our worst, strung out and hurting, with nothing left but instinct, or are we who we are when we're in control of ourselves, doing the things we'd do if we had half a moment to think. I guess part of who and what we are depends at least a little on what we train ourselves to do, what we forge ourselves into over time. Maybe this is another of those nature versus nurture things, where our 'nature' is what we do when we hit a situation where all our training breaks down, even the really subtle training about how to deal with situations like that. our 'nurture' is what we train ourselves to do, what we do when we're at our best.

Part of it has to be which of those things comes to the fore more often. Like, I didn't flip out and get angry with Isnomi or Isadora, even though they were getting physical with one another. I'm not sure if that's because they're both my kids and my instinct to protect them both short circuited, or if I've hit a point where even when my kids are in danger or in pain I can still think and act based on my brain, not my instincts. Probably both, honestly.

So yesterday was another day of mostly chilling and filling the kittens with boob juice. I managed to get Saffron in the office working on Inspect again. Worth it just for the lunch time double pit stop courtesy of Marie. I got back to 'guarding' the Imperator and Overlord as well, although to be fair I think it takes more mental acuity to feed my babies than it does to 'guard' either of them there in their strongholds. Okay, Tallulah gets more strangers in her Courtroom than Saffron does in the Grand Council chambers, but that's because any number is greater than zero. Nobody gets in the Grand Council chambers without a specific invite from one of the Grand Council, with the possible exception of someone I'm carrying in, and I'm not doing that at the moment.

Wait, I'm not on the Grand Council, am I? No, no, I'm sure I'm not. Saffron would have told me if I'm like, an 'honorary councilperson' or something like that. Then again, I'm actually a Council Member in Phileo, which means I really ought to show up to those meetings, or designate someone else to show up in my stead.

But that's my job, love.

Wait, what? Oh, right, I'm not Loki's Councilperson, I'm Mimic's.

Was Mimic's, love. You've been busy, so I got someone to fill in when we needed votes.

Aww... I guess that's fair though. Who?

Laurence Lancaster. I trust he meets with your approval?

I surprised myself with my own reaction just then. Larry? Oh, hell yeah. He's probably an actual asset in Council meetings.

Saffron's chuckle rubbed velvet around my brain. Not to mention his promotion giving his father yet another reason to support me in Grand Council meetings.

I sighed. Yeah, I'm really glad I gave you that job.

That sounds almost like regret though, love.

Oh, hell no. I'm just... I realized just then that not only wouldn't I be as good at it, I'd also have problems, like feelsbad problems, using people like that.

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She didn't reply for a while. Should I not be doing that then?

Nah. You're fine. I can't see a single immoral thing about it, and it's in everybody's best interests to keep him in the tent pissing out, but... I'd feel some kinda way. Like somehow I was abusing things. Even though I look at what you're doing and know, down to my bones, that you're not.

We'd had that little back and forth after dinner, in the Bath, and with that she rolled over and snuggled into me.

Shortly after Marie looked over at me and asked, "Kittens?"

I looked around the bed and realized that for the past half an hour, most of them had been kinda flopping around the bed, tryna do something more than sleep, eat, and shit. "Sure, let's let them swim. You drown proofed them, right Kitten?"

She murmured agreement, and Marie and I scooped up a pair of kittens for each of the bodies we had in bed, then hopped up to the Bathroom. I dunno where the thought came from, but 'shower before bath' was so ingrained by now that I hopped straight to the shower, removed diapers, and started hosing them down. Mostly their butts, because while I know I read that little baby kittens need their moms to 'stimulate defecation' by licking their general butt region, the unique talent I'd brought with me from back in the day seemed to be working just fine. I get kid, kid fills diaper.

I've never thought about it, but I've never had a kid unload while undiapered. I dunno if that's a factor of me not being around perpetually naked babies, or some tiny hidden benefit of my baby care cheat skill, but I'm glad it's true, one way or another.

By the time I had Felicia clean enough to hit the Bath, the girls were there waiting. I handed her over to Isnomi, David, and Daya. Isnomi pulled Felicia's arms over her shoulders, said, "gedder legth," and off the three of them staggered to the Bath. If it had been more than a few feet, I might have intervened, but the worst thing that happened was Felicia squirming when they got to the tub itself and dunking Menace face first into the water.

After a solid twenty minutes of washing, I wound up with Hailee in my arms as I walked over to the tub and gently set her in. She didn't squirm like the others, nor did she go through the whole 'what is this, oh, I float, how I mine for fish' routine her sisters had, she just floated around me, dog paddling a little, then squirmed back up and snuggled in next to Saffron. Who, for her part, pulled our kitten in and nuzzled her until the surface of the water near us rippled with purrs.

Dreamt of increasingly chaotic and spontaneous 'choreography' by the beans, until Madeline apparently got a little befuddled and just dove down into my Maw. Almost as deep as Saffron had gotten in her birthday surprise for me. Then she did that a couple more times. When she didn't come back, I got a little worried. Didn't help that the voice calling my name from the east was wavering between cajoling, demanding, and pleading, all right on the edge of hearing.

Woke up and thought, Madeline?

Much to my relief, she didn't sound all ghostly and shit. Just maybe a little sleepy. Yes, Goddess?

Wanted to make sure you were okay.

I am well, Goddess. Might I ask when you intend to visit Calverton again?

I hadn't really thought about it, but the last New Amsterdam visit left me ready to start the cycle again. I guess after I've spent some time in Phileo. So... next Friday maybe? The one after that at the latest.

Oh. Might I make a request?

I rolled over, following the feel of her thoughts and Co-Locating to snuggle myself around her. Nothing sexual, just closeness and warmth. "Always, Madeline. High Priestess Magda. That's... that's what the Trials are for. To make sure anybody who gets that connection to me is somebody I trust. Not just to represent me, but to have that open line to my brain." She'd tensed momentarily when I arrived, but melted the moment I started speaking. "Now, what did you need?"

"Visit your followers in Norfolk first?"

That kinda floored me. Then I remembered my birthday. "That didn't just 'look like' an altar down there, did it?"

"Well, I hope it looks like one. Because it is one."

That got a smile out of me. "How fast can you make it to the altar in Norfolk?"

"A day, at most."

I nodded. "Would you mind organizing things there? At least for my first visit?"

"I'd be honored, Goddess."

"Thanks, Madeline."

After a final squeeze, I collapsed back to my bed and started my day. Managed to get myself back to everything today, even though I only had four of me doing Maid duty. But I had one of me in the Infirmary, one playing seat cushion for Cutest Archmage, one each for the Imperator, the Overlord, and Siobhan, one of me working with one of Marie to oversee the kids, who'd decided to play in small groups or independently today, and two of me back to the tiring yet satisfying grind of eat and feed in the bedroom.

Isnomi and Alex worked on trying to 'tame' Baby. Ria and Maze took care of the Nightmares, not to mention doing some polishing of Mister Slither's scales. David and Daya both hung around the bedroom and played with their little sisters; they spent a lot of the time running for damp wash cloths for their sisters to gnaw on. Lindsey wandered out into the fields and spent about half the day helping, the other half just... staring at plants. She didn't seem upset or depressed, just deeply intrigued by the details of first the corn, then some bean vines, then some weeds both before and after she pulled them. Botany as a special interest. Or maybe hyperfixation. Or maybe a hobby? Whatever, she seemed entertained, not in any danger, so I just stayed Blended and nearby to intervene if shit went down.

Of course, I hadn't sent four of me to the Academy for nothing. Took a bit of concentration on my part, but when Marie sashayed out of the office into the bedroom, all four of me ambushed her. Gander, other gander, yada yada.

Turns out Marie liked the pit stop too.

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