Dear Diary,

"Agency, Consent, Actions Freedom to make your choices, This is about you, not me." - Tabitha Diaz, Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Agency

Above all other Virtues, our Goddess prizes Agency. In this, the first verse of the Book of Agency, she describes the key features of Agency; an individual's right to Consent, their ability to choose what Actions they will take to affect the world. She emphasizes that those choices ought to be taken freely, not compelled by others. The final line of the Verse clarifies that our Goddess would rather we make our own choices than look to her for guidance. This is not to say that she will not give guidance if called upon, nor help those who ask her for assistance in other ways, but that each person in the world should be focused first and foremost on their own actions, their own choices, their own life. Not in a selfish sense, but in a sense of seeking to control and be responsible for ones' own actions. - Priestess Most High Above All Others, Archmage Imperator Saffron Aetos-Diaz, Commentary on the Doctrine of Tabitha

Yeah, this is gonna take me a while to get through, I think. I mean, shit, it took me three fuckin' months to write, I ought to take at least that long to really understand the impact it's had on the world, starting with the impact it's had on the people closest to me. The person closest to me, not to put too fine a point on it.

I guess I can live with this interpretation. I think I wrote this one before Ria hit me with the amnesia whammy, but even so I'm hard pressed to remember what I had for lunch yesterday. Remembering the fine details of what I meant when I wrote a bit of poetry a year ago is more than a little bit beyond my capabilities.

Okay, my current capabilities. I guess maybe given enough time and practice, my Memory might get better. Shit, it's possible that it's gotten better, but I've had so much more stuff to remember that it didn't matter, I still feel the same way internally. Like, clearly I'm remembering more now. For most of the last three months, I walked some pretty complicated patterns through the Academy, even though I didn't think about it at the time. Yeah, Marie helped some, pointing me at certain rooms and directing me away from others. I think the Academy's Aura might have helped too, pointing me away from rooms where a Cadet had Devotions or maybe a free day or something like that. But I didn't just go straight down the hallway emptying every room. Okay, sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't, but it wasn't just random room sweeping, there was a pattern, and even if I didn't quite get why, I seemed to remember it.

Same with recipes and what my kids like. I mean, okay, I don't remember all of that, which makes me think the Academy's Aura was definitely helping out when it came to shit like that. But I know Lindsey likes Salad, Ria likes eggs and cheese, and Menace likes meat. Saffron likes sweets, Siobhan craves organ meat, which is really kinda funny if you look at it absolutely the wrong way, and Marie, much like Menace, likes meat. I'd wonder at that, but I know felines are obligate carnivores, and even if Maenads seem to be able to digest more than housecats, they've still got a taste for raw meat. Then again, maybe it's the mouths. The dentition and tongues built for meat rather than grain.

Marie?

Yes, Vlickies?

Do you eat meat because it's easier to digest, or because you like the flavor better, or some other reason?"

Easiest, Mostly.

Thanks, Mittens.

Welcome, Vlickies.

That's something I'm getting more and more used to. Not just the ability to ask, but actually being curious about something and just asking. Asking rather than waiting until an 'opportune moment', which means I'll forget. Asking rather than being too embarrassed, or thinking I should 'already know' if I 'really cared' or some bullshit like that. Yeah, I'm probably still gonna spiral at some point and forget all that shit and wind up thinking of some super important question, then not ask them right then and there because of excessive dumbass, then forget to ask them, at which point it will bite me in the ass.

Yeah, but that's just another part of me. The parts of me that I can control are doing things when I think of them and my executive decides not to dysfunction. The parts of me that I can't are the aforementioned executive dysfunction, the chronic depression, and the ADHD hyperfixation and need for stimulation. I figure those are my three biggest hurdles that aren't, y'know, things that I can't heal from.

Because while I received all the fuckin' trauma in the world back in the day, up to and including being shot during a mass shooting at the Camden waterfront Aquarium, trauma is trauma. Injury, to the Mind, Body, and Soul. Injuries can heal. Some of them better than others, yeah, but here and now we can literally regrow missing Body parts. I don't see a reason why I couldn't regrow missing bits of my Mind or Soul. Shit, from what Siobhan said way back when I helped her Revive Bill, I've already regrown bits of my Soul. Despite all my scarring and the best efforts of a certain fuckin' spelunking dwarf, I do not have a lung piercing. So I've regrown Body and Soul, which just leaves Mind.

Of course, I'm not sure there are Shapes to fix Minds. Yeah, I keep thinking of Doc Glass as a Psychiatrist, but even his husband Doc Z described him as a Soul specialist. I guess I ought to ask one or both of them about that. Almost wish I'd made one of them High Clergy, although doing that just to be able to call somebody to ask them stupid questions sounds like exactly the kind of high handed bullshit Doc Glass so rightfully gets pissed at the Deities of here and now about. Before anybody says anything about Siobhan and being able to send messages to Canta, I was totally intending to have my way with her, which now that I think it with my own brain I realize that was worse. Even I see how that was worse.

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Siobhan?

Yes, Tabitha?

Even her mental voice sounded tired. Sore. Although she also sounded maybe a little happy, like the attention over the past few days made the misery worthwhile. Hey, I'm sorry I... No... Can you please forgive me?

For what?

Making you my High Priestess.

A long pause followed that, lasting just long enough for me to get worried. Why would you need my forgiveness for that?

She sounded worried, like she thought maybe I'd deny her or something. I didn't ask your permission. Didn't ask for Consent.

I swear I really love her giggles as much as Saffron's. More, maybe, not only because they're so much rarer now, but also because they're so pure. So sweet. Okay, I needed to get Siobhan to giggle herself silly just for Saffron to listen to. For science reasons, to see if she liked sweet sounds as much as sweet foods. Tabitha, I forgive you if you feel you need it, but you are silly. I wanted you. Wanted you to take me. Wanted you to do with me what you would. I...

I waited for a bit, but she'd gone quiet. I mentally whispered, Darling?

Oh, love. Oh, Tabitha. Oh, my Goddess, how it thrills me to hear you say that. Even more so to hear it deep within me, where I cannot possibly mishear it. I think that... I think that I wanted you to take my Agency away.

I definitely had to force myself to stillness just there. Uh. Yeah. That's... Oh shit that is dangerous on a level with Sparagmos.

Possibly more so, my Goddess.

I swear that while Saffron encourages my worst impulses by cheering them on, Siobhan does so by willingly playing victim. Shit, is she a victim if she asks me to do shit to her and I do it? Fuck, I definitely need to talk with Mom and Dad about that, I think. You... you still want that?

As often as you feel you can do it without guilt, my Goddess.

Yeah. Um. We're gonna put a pin in that until you decant.

Silly bitch whined in my head. Not loud, not long, but very clearly. If we must. A request, though?

Sure.

As soon as my child is not in any danger from you doing so?

It really makes me feel warm and fuzzy when my ladies finish my sentences, and makes me feel so privileged, so honored, so fucking loved when I can do the same for them. I will give you no warning, only telling you it's over when you wake up after.

So fun listening to her giggle and sigh and whine all at the same time. Dammit.

What's wrong, Ice Pop?

I want to, ah, self service, but... I can't.

I stepped to her side, lifted her from the bed where she'd been lying in amongst the ladies and kids, and stepped her to the water closet. "Not feeling well enough?"

She shook her head. Not that.

"Uh..." I looked at her belly, which had only just started to thicken up. If I hadn't seen that glowing sigil, I'd imagine she'd just put on some healthy padding after starving herself for too long. "Pretty sure your baby belly isn't in the way, so... uh... you've definitely finished since the morning sickness started." I shrugged. "I'm stumped?"

She blushed, curled up. I don't know how.

That kinda floored me. "Wait, really?" She shook her head, curled up more. I slid onto the narrow cot behind her. "You still want to?"

She shook her head. Not at the moment, no.

"Okay," I murmured into her ear. "Next time you get the urge? Tell me. Right away. Please."

But... I'm supposed to be the one servicing you, Champion.

I chuckled as I nuzzled her neck, my arms going around her, one hand interlacing with one of hers, the other curving around her belly. "You have that collar and that title because they make you feel good. Special. Because you see them as positive things. Not, to be clear, to obligate you to anything. Understand?" She nodded. "Good. Do I... we have to marry you, too, just to get you to stop with the whole 'oh, my Duties' thing?"

I swear I felt her lower lip stick out. Not if that's why you're doing it.

"Do you want it for any other reason?"

She went quiet. So quiet, and warm, and still. She'd started snoring quietly when I barely heard her murmur, No.

Slept through the night with her there. Used my tentacles to slip the lights shut. Pretty sure they had the whole verbal command thing going on, but I didn't want to wake her up. Speaking of, I woke up with all the kids looking at us. "Mama, id Thithta Thawan oh tay?"

Siobhan answered before I couldl. "I'm quite well, Isnomi. Well, as well as can be expected. Healthy, as is the child growing in my womb. Although I dearly hope she's less miserable than I am."

I craned my neck around to look at our gathered girls. "What's up, kids?"

Maze, standing behind the rest, rolled her eyes at me. "It's afternoon. The two of you slept through breakfast and lunch. Someone worried that you're off your feed."

Before I could reply to that, Alex piped up with, "we brought sandwiches, and jerky, and hardtack!"

So the two of us got fed slightly burned paninis, fresh bear jerky, and shattered hardtack right there in the water closet. Thankfully my brilliant Kitten, likely with the help of our sociopathic son, had given the room enough ventilation that it smelled more of cleaning products, linen, and laundry than it did of toilet and toilet related business. Poor Siobhan still got nauseous near the end of our impromptu picnic, though. I held her and sang to her, and she didn't puke. I could tell she kind of wanted to, but also didn't want to go through a whole day without any real food.

After a bit, Saffron joined us. Then kinda stole my spot, which I vacated because I realized she felt sort of responsible for Siobhan's delicate condition, and wanted to pamper her baby mama. Which I could totally respect and get behind.

Just to make conversation, I asked, "short day with the Council then?"

She shook her head, turning her fond smile from Siobhan to me. "No, love. The Alliance is officially following the holiday policies of the Academies. We don't return to normal business until Tyrsday."

I nodded, but frowned a little. "What if somebody tries to, I dunno, take advantage of that?"

My Kittens serene smile did not match her words in the slightest, which made them that much more chilling. "Then we will cut them off at the knees, Bond their hands to their buttocks, and force them to watch us complete our holiday before returning to express our full displeasure once our holiday is done."

"Yeah. Okay. Fair. Uh, so you go back to work on Tuesday?"

She shook her head. "No. Tyrsday I begin my review of my new Inspect."

"Really?" She nodded. "Anything I can do to help?"

She tilted her head, thinking about it with an impish smile as her hand made little circles on Siobhan's back. "I rather enjoyed your, ah, relaxation and refueling process."

"Will do!" I think I'd first done that when spiraling, but I kinda enjoyed doing it anyway. "Anything else?"

She shook her head. "No, love. Just be here with me, with us, enjoying our holiday, so that I can begin the review as completely relaxed as I can."

"You got it, Kitten." I looked at the kids, realized something, then leaned over far enough to see the bed. "Where's Marie?"

My little Sidhe girl, tightly controlled excitement hiding behind her serious little face, said, "teaching Mother to cook!"

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