Dear Diary,

I feel really guilty about Siobhan. Layers of guilt, like one of those midwestern salads, where every layer is another layer of horror, only with guilt instead of horror. Okay, some of it is horrifying guilt, but that doesn't make me any less guilty. More, really.

First, I feel guilty because I feel kinda responsible for her being pregnant. Yeah, I know, there's like two layers of 'what the fuck, Diaz' in there that ought to be insulating me from the guilt. Maybe three. But I'm still guilty. Like, she's a big girl, a whole assed adult woman capable of making her own decisions, and we, mostly me, but also Saffron, asked her for explicit Consent to impregnate her. That sounds so fuckin' impersonal, but it's true, I asked her for her Consent for one of us to get her pregnant, and Saffron asked for her Consent to let Saffron, specifically, put a baby in her belly. Shit, possibly babies. It's not like there's only one viable sperm that comes out, and I don't fuckin' know what the statistics on Dan egg release are. So we got her explicit Consent to put one or more buns in her cute little oven. But I still feel like she wouldn't have said 'yes' if I hadn't asked.

I mean, yeah, that's still kinda flattering and gear greasing to think about, because I don't think she would have said yes for too many other people. There's a short list. Three of us, specifically, and unless Marie has altered her position on Shapeshifting, only two of us have the ability to manifest baby making spooge. Okay, that's got me a little befuddled now, because based on the other night with Saffron and Rabbit, Saffron seems confident that there is no baby making potential when she's in girl mode. Gotta ask her about that at some point. Assuming the answer won't just fry my poor Goof brain. Which is a serious possibility I have to consider, although I'm pretty sure Saffron likes my brain unfried. Then again, I may have fried it before and healed from it, so I can't be sure about that.

That aside, I also feel guilty because somehow I think I'm subconsciously comparing her to Marie, who had like one day of bad morning sickness, then maybe a couple days of mild nausea that mostly went away when she got some salty beef, crackers, and hydrated properly. I've been tryna get Siobhan to drink, to gnaw on some jerky, maybe to suck on some hardtack, and she kinda has, but she's barfed up at least half of the water I've gotten her to drink. I shouldn't in any way be thinking 'oh, fuck, is she puking again, why is she puking again' like it's some kind of decision she made. She's puking because she's nauseous, and while she's into some freaky shit, vomiting on people is not one of those things. Pretty good thing it's not, because if and when we import roller coasters and other thrill rides, she's totally gonna be one of those women who literally get off on them.

Then again, it's possible that's just me, too. Or maybe just the three of us. I guess I'd have to find somebody else who could scare her the same way. Like a woman with a level of crazy scary and crazy hot that would make Siobhan go ping. Wait, no, that can't be it, because that would imply that I might actually be crazy hot. Yes, I am nominally aware of my self-image issues. No, that awareness has not yet percolated into my subconscious. Maybe I need to start with some daily mantras about my own hotness or something. Then again, I don't want to wind up like Aphrodite, and I'm pretty sure she does that shit. Fuck, no, she's got other people who whisper that shit in her ear while she sleeps. Kinda wonder if I could get my ladies to do that for me. Shit, now I'm wondering if my ladies already do that for me, and if so how much of my progress is my own efforts and how much is sleepy time lady whisperings. Fuck it, I will take second order credit due to my dubious rizz and lady pleasing Skills and call it a day.

Finally, I'm feeling guilty because somehow I'm worried that this means there's something wrong with the pregnancy, and I'm a horrible person because the part of me that's worried about the juxtaposition of 'fourteen months' and 'morning sickness' might actually prefer that. Like, I want that little rug rat to pop out of my Darling Ice Pop, and even if she winds up being the ugliest thing ever to fall out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, I'll think she's adorable and love her with everything I've got, but if Siobhan's gonna wind up miserable and puking and barely able to stumble to the toilet to puke for, uh, like three hundred fuckin' days more, maybe it'd be overall better if there was something wrong and she lost this pregnancy while it's still kind of nebulous and the only proof we've got that she's in a family way is a formerly glowing sigil and the results of Assess Health.

You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

Which I've done on her like half a dozen times a day, every time she gets so nauseous that she needs to stumble to the toilet and retch, or barf up water, or just kneel there and groan. She's pregnant, it's normal, she's got morning sickness, and there's, like, jack shit we can do other than let her rest, make sure she gets enough nutrition and hydration to keep some down, and maybe collect enough of those herbs Grandmother suggested.

How awful of a person am I that I could even think of feeling relief about my Darling Ice Pop losing her pregnancy? Seriously, what the fuck, Diaz?

I spent last night cuddled around Siobhan in our big bed; for what it's worth she's managed to sleep through the night most nights, even if the first thing she's done when she gets up is Translocate to the toilet for her first upchuck of the day. Didn't dream so much as lie there half asleep, listening to her breathe, while everybody else stayed in the Bedroom and brainstormed ideas for Muscogee's coming attractions. Okay, that's not entirely fair. Saffron Co-Located to do both until she fell asleep. Marie stayed with me the whole time. They didn't really open the meeting with pre-meeting sex, either. Just a quick group hug, then chatting about things the folks in Muscogee could do that would bring in the tourists, but wouldn't cause any real problems for the folks running the fake City or the folks volunteering there. Also, they wound up talking about the latest round of edits to the treaty. I listened in, but mostly I paid attention to Siobhan.

Today I wound up doing everything else I do distracted. One of me hopped down to Grandmother's Village to see if anybody there could go foraging with me. Turns out Panther has studied his herbalism under Grandmother's tutelage, and he was more than willing to spend the day with me looking for herbs. Okay, I think he really hoped for another up close and personal Worship session. I realized late in the day that it really wasn't fair to him to just use him for his herbal knowledge, so after dropping off a couple backpacks worth of assorted anti-nausea herbs Grandmother deemed safe for pregnant women, I carted him off to the Bedroom and thanked him intimately. Which felt a little transactional maybe, but that might just be my worry for Siobhan talking. He sure as shit didn't Worship me any less while he did it, and he was absolutely down for playing with some of the toys.

Watched Saffron go about her latest round of treaty editing with the Grand Council. Holy shit but that crap is boring as fuck. I mean, I get why they gotta do it, but still. I guess that's another layer of guilt, that I'd rather pay attention to searching for anti-nausea meds for Siobhan than work out a treaty to keep our kids from having to fight a pointless war.

Babysat the Infirmary, but other than a few Stabilizes to keep somebody from potential serious consequences and a couple more to recharge the interns, I didn't do much.

One of me kinda babysat the kids. I mean, I'm their Mom, not a babysitter, but I can't say I did a lot of high quality Momming. I just led them down to take care of the Nightmares and Baby, then led them and Mister Slither to the kitchen to prep some maybe less tasteless jerky and maybe saltine like hardtack for Siobhan. She smiled at them when they brought it up to where she lay on the bed in the water closet, but I saw how she'd been grimacing before, and how she frowned after, trying not to lose the gifts they'd brought her.

A dozen of me acted as hands for Marie. I think maybe she's puppeting those mes a little bit. Not that I mind in the slightest; it feels kinda cool that I can go into a hallway of the Dormitory where every room is the normal disaster you'd expect from a Cadet working their ass off twelve to sixteen hours a day and leave it a while later with every room nominally clean and neat and tidy. If the price for that is Murder Mittens getting all up in my brain meats, sign me up. Both because I trust her and because after a lifetime of executive dysfunction, having someone literally be able to give me that executive nudge, then guide me on the parts I'm not Skilled enough to do on my own? Priceless.

Played seat cushion for Saffron, but couldn't really bring myself to enjoy anything naughty or naughty adjacent when Maid me brought her lunch. Held her still, fueled her up, drained her accumulated tension, then let her go back to work. I think she noticed something, but she didn't say anything. Okay, she purred for me the whole afternoon, and thanked me both after lunch and before we headed home. When I asked her why, she kissed me and whispered, "for taking such good care of us, love."

I'm really glad everything else I did today could mostly be done on automatic. Because most of the day I spent just letting Siobhan rest her head in my lap, stroking her hair as she lay there, miserable.

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