Dear Diary,

Y'know, kinda odd thing I've been thinking about lately. Self image. Not just 'who am I' stuff, either or even the 'am I worth an equivalent mass of runny shit' that's my normal go to when thinking about that, but 'how am I changing and growing'. Weird thing is that the last one might actually be the most stable of all of them.

No, really, hear me out. I've changed so much since I got here, and not just 'oh, I'm now old porcelain rather than generic light brown' or 'I'm pneumatic and fit' instead of 'potato potato potato'. Back in the day I was a delinquent who, odd as this sounds, went to school more than I really went anywhere else. School, home, waterfront. Cut class, ignore teacher, eat chip, play video game, and lie. Viewer's choice whether that last one meant telling untruths or remaining horizontal, whether sleeping or having sex of dubious quality. Within a month of showing up here, I'd decided to become a bona fide hero, and I'm pretty sure I'd kicked the shit out of Rocky and his Rockettes. By the end of the Season I'd acquired a wife, a kid, a catgirl maid, and kicked the shit out of a Goddess on her Holy Ground during her High Holy Day. Not even over drugs or money or, frankly, sex.

I mean, yeah, got some baller sex out of the deal, but that's not why I did it. I did it to defend my family. Which has only grown since then. I've... Y'know, I know I joke all the time about having no self respect, and I'm well aware that those jokes are neither funny nor do they lack truth, but I never really expected to get any respect from anyone else. Yeah, I'd throw shit and shade all day long to scare someone off, but I never actually expected anybody to develop any legitimate long term fear of me. I also never really thought other people would think of me as an authority. Fuck, for the longest time I barely thought of myself as a person. I think it might have been my sixth Season here, the season Ria accidentally Blessed me with amnesia, that I wound up thinking that yeah, I was a person too, and as such deserved that bare minimum decent treatment and acknowledgement due a person. So the fact that I now do hold the barest minimum self respect for myself is a change, I think for the better. The fact that other people are afraid of me is really weird, and I still don't immediately jump to that as a rational response to, y'know, me, but I at least recognize that, what with the 'eating an aircraft carrier sized dragon alive', I may be the irrational one here. Finally, I'm almost ready, I think, to come to terms with the fact that other people really do see me as an authority figure. Both in the sense of 'she's in charge and will Co-Locate her foot and your ass if you fuck up in a way that hurts her people' sense, and even more mind-bogglingly in the 'she has valuable knowledge to impart, so listen to her' sense.

I suppose one of the most fucked up parts about that last is that after teaching for like nearly two full seasons, if you include the time I spent as duBois' assistant, I'm finally getting the idea that I picked up most of what duBois put down for us in Combat Training. That's not the fucked up part, though. The fucked up part is that the Combat Training class I'm teaching? Has just about reached the point where New Amsterdam attacked and we went to war and we stopped learning new shit. I'm not sure if that's ironic or not, that I finally get the idea that I've got valuable stuff to impart right as I run out of valuable stuff to impart, but fuck it, I guess it's time to start running out some high grade bullshit and hope nobody notices.

Speaking of high grade bullshit, after Lily spouted her line about liking men, I said my farewells to Lily and Rabbit, told them I'd see them in Muscogee, maybe, and stepped home. Left them the tray and the rest of the sandwiches. The Academy can do without the tray, and we had plenty of food.

Got through the rest of the day, worked with Marie on something new for the kids, and brought home a couple big tureens of fried rice. One egg, one bear. I mean, the bear fried rice had egg in it too, but the egg fried rice just had the egg for protein. Ria loved that, although she went out of her way to try a couple bites of the bear fried rice. I gave her a hug and praise for trying it. The other girls split along their typical 'carnivore' or 'not' lines for the most part, although Daya seemed to like the bear fried rice better, which surprised me. I made sure to give her hugs and tell her I loved her, because I wouldn't want any of my girls thinking they were just afterthoughts, or that somehow I didn't like them because of the color of their hair or some shit like that.

Called Karen up for dinner, then had a thought and invited Tallulah as well.

Funny, when we all went up to the Bath afterward, Tallulah came over to me and quietly said, "Tabitha, I must thank you." When I asked why, she sighed. "My people... my mother's people, the Sidhe, do not have an overwhelming taste for meat. Especially not red meat. My own mother fed me on it from a young age, and I credit that and my partially Human father for my height. I've tried to make all of my children see the merit in making sure they maintain some meat in their diet. Ria and her sister Adrienne both rebelled to one degree or another. Ria... tried to avoid it. But you've gotten her to try it of her own free will?"

I shrugged. "I make sure she's got plenty to eat that isn't that, and when I bring in something new I make sure it's up to Marie's standards. Which means that it tastes good. So even if it's not her favorite, she's still willing to try it."

Tallulah gave me a quick hug, then shook her head, looking at our feet. "However you did it, I thank you."

"Hey, no big. That's the whole advantage of not being a single parent. You work together to help the kid out."

She chuckled. "I suppose four is even better than the normal two, then?"

I smiled at her. "Hey, at this point Ria's kinda got five, doesn't she?"

"Just so."

We all soaked there for a while. Once we were out and dry, and had all the kids in bed asleep, I reached out and tugged all of my ladies with me to the Bedroom. Be still. I pushed up my Blend, then threaded my tentacles through every cubic inch of the room. Tallulah and Karen tensed the tiniest bits as they perched on the divan, but Saffron and Marie both sat where I'd put them on the bed. Siobhan maybe writhed a little until I whispered a quiet, shhh. Freeze, into her brain. I might have gotten a little intimate with things, but other than Tallulah it's not like I was feeling anything I hadn't felt in real life before, and I'd literally taste tested everyone in the room a time or ten in M-Space.

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After the room had less air than tentacle, I thought, there's some bullshit going on in Muscogee. No talking, please.

Aww...

I felt Saffron's lips curve into a Grin as she thought, Hush, Darling. Tabitha's wise to keep things to a method of communication limited to only her most trusted, and to do so here in our most private of sanctums. Although... You're certain we're alone, love?

I shrugged, nodded, realized they couldn't see me, and thought, Mostly? If Rabbit's here, she's doing some serious Blending and size shenanigans both. Just then I got a idea. Brace yourselves. A moment later I Stabilized the room. My ladies twitched and gasped. Yeah, unless she's Blending more than I normally do, she's not here. She still shouldn't be able to hear us though.

Excellent. Now, please, what do you know about Muscogee?

I force myself not to shake my head. I did, just out of habit, maybe let my tentacles wander a little bit on the ladies on the bed, but if anybody was in here with us, that would just be normal. Not a lot. Just that Rabbit was tryna tell me something by telling me she couldn't tell me anything.

Is there aught dangerous in the City? thought Tallulah.

I don't think so? Nothing like a Dragon or monster or Deity or something else. I think she'd straight up warn me off if there was something like that. This... I thought about it for a bit, and my ladies waited while I did. This was more like... like somebody was running a con, and Rabbit was involved somehow. Like she couldn't tell me about it because of that, but she... I think she didn't want me ruining it? Lily totally gave it away though, sort of.

How?

Oh, she was doing all the shifty shit that somebody who's not used to doing shady shit and getting away with it does. Y'know, like when a kid is tryna hide that they've done something, so they deliberately won't look at the person whose dessert they stole?

Fuckin hilarious how the ladies reacted. Marie grinned, knowing exactly what I was talking about. Saffron pouted, a cute little moue that told me she had, in fact, stolen some dessert from somewhere within the past twenty four to forty eight. Siobhan looked absolutely adorably clueless. Tallulah's brow furrowed, like she only now realized that her kids had pulled that shit. Karen snorted. When I looked at her, she thought, I've got siblings.

Okay, I've told them I'm gonna visit, but I'm gonna keep it totally non-official. I wanna get more eyes on the City. Make sure that nobody's got, like, Rabbit's Avatar or kid held hostage, because that's another possibility. Try and figure out what the con is without, and this is important, spoiling it.

Saffron nodded. So if it is harmless to the Alliance, we leave it be and adjust our plans to account for it. If it is inimical...?

Then I go back and talk with Rabbit about it, but I'd guess at most it's some kind of long con that might cost us, I dunno, money or pride or some shit we can afford to lose with good grace, rather than blood or lives.

Saffron nodded, and the others mirrored her when she thought, as you wish, Goddess.

I did a little mental juggling, the others waiting quietly, then thought. Karen's already down there. I want to get my own personal eyes on stuff. I want Archmage eyes on things, so Saffron. I wish I could get your eyes and nose and experience down there, Mittens, but... I looked at her belly. I kinda want Tallulah down there, too, just to see if it's some kind of Fae something going on, or even just something related enough she can see through it. But I don't want this to be a Cadet review. The rest of them all looked at me sideways for that, and I thought, I want this to arguably be the group of us visiting a neighboring City as tourists, just there to take in the sights, get some food, maybe do whatever the locals do for entertainment.

Siobhan whined out a mentally muttered, I'm an Archmage too.

At that point Saffron lay a hand on her belly, smiled, and thought back, I think you're wrong about Marie and Siobhan, love. When I shot her a questioning look, she thought, No, really. Marie is very obviously pregnant. If we're there simply as a social outing, why wouldn't we bring the two of them along. If we're surreptitiously planning mayhem, why would we have them along? Their very presence lends verisimilitude to the appearance of this being a social rather than scouting visit.

Still can't think why we'd have Tallulah along, though. She's the fuckin' Overlord. I also don't really want to bring Marylin or Olga or Bill or, I shuddered a bit. Ophelia along just to make sure we've brought all our 'Heads of State' for cover.

Before anyone could say or think anything else, Tallulah sighed, shook her head, and pushed herself to her feet. I might have frozen a little like a deer in headlights as she stepped over to where I sat on the end of the bed in the center of my circle of ladies, leaned in, put an arm behind my head, and kissed me. I know not whether this 'scouting mission' is the ruse to get me to do this, or this is the ruse to make the 'scouting mission' successful, but either way, you need only ask, oh Goddess mine.

Woman might not quite be Marie old or Siobhan talented, but she's clearly almost Marie experienced, and she's definitely Kitten driven. As I kinda lost myself to the kiss, I thought, but... I really was looking for a reason for you to be along with us!

Of course, Tabitha. If you'd like to bring your... Lachlan? Or Linus? Or any others, this would be an excellent excuse. You could even bring those two here now, if you like. Unless this is the reason and the mission is the ruse?

Yeah, I was thinking just folks who can communicate this way. Because I really was talking about a scouting mission. Which means you could have just, y'know, thought about this ideee... My brain fritzed a little as her hands roamed.

But would it look as natural?

You think I'm gonna look na... na... nat... hoo you're handsy, aren't you?

Right then my Kitten sealed the deal and sold me up the river, or down the Maw or whatever as, laughter in her mental voice, thought, Marie, please have civilian casual sun dresses ready for all of us by Wotansday. Feel free to be as showy as you wish regarding your delicate condition. Karen, we'll join you aboard the Questing Tentacle Wotansday morning, please have at least a few destinations in town chosen for us by then. Tallulah?

Lady Crow froze. Kinda weird with where her hands and tongue were. Yes, Imperator?

Let your court know that you'll be unavailable Wotansday. Also, you'll want to free her mouth up before you finish her, her near incoherent verbalizations are not to be missed.

Kitten!

Don't worry, love, If the Overlord isn't as familiar with women, the Imperator will be certain to lend her aid.

Yeah. Spent most of today on automatic, thinking about the women I'd attracted into my orbit. Really not sure whether I like exactly how... dispassionate? Some of them can be about Passion.

Okay, not 'dispassionate'. But the sheer level of pragmatism they're capable of scares me a little, I think.

But not 'dispassionate', because that was some top tier Passion right there. Ecstasy achieved. Marie even applauded.

Okay, is it bad that now I kinda wanna sic Tallulah on Lily?

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