Ch60.2 – Conflicted

Translated by: DMlations/Zryuu

Edited by: Amelea, FistFullOfDollars and Juurensha

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Chen Yekai held a knife and fork between his fingers and twirled them around beautifully. His slender fingers manipulated the knife and fork nimbly and pressed a huge shrimp down on the clean plate, then skilfully peeled it with ease. This movement that seemed extremely elegant attracted Yu Hao’s attention.

“What did Ryuusei say to you that day in my memory?” Chen Yekai changed the topic, “Is there anything he wanted to convey?”

Yu Hao told Chen Yekai what Ryuusei had told him in the “next life”. Chen Yekai laughed and answered, “It sounds a lot like what he wrote in his letter. Cognitive behavioural therapy for depression is the future direction of my professional research as well. After resolving this problem, I want to become a psychological consultant.”

“That’s great!” Yu Hao quickly said, “Ryuusei will definitely be very happy for you!”

“Freud said,” Chen Yekai continued, “Dreams reflect the most important desires in our heart, and every dreamscape represents the expectations we have of our own lives.”

Yu Hao remembered now, it had been mentioned in one of his psychology classes as well. Though it was part of the course in his second year, he had already looked through it in advance, “But dreamscapes are very good at the art of camouflage. In order to bypass the scrutiny of our consciousness, it would conceal itself underneath several layers of meaning, or even manifest itself as a contradiction.”

Chen Yekai nodded and answered, “Now that I think about it, everything in the Chichén Itzá of my dreams embodied that wish of mine ba, which was to move on from my suffering, engrave my love for Ryuusei in my heart, and greet a new life for my future.”

“Just like today, I don’t need to avoid mentioning Ryuusei anymore, or the mistakes I made in the past. I no longer need to torture myself. I can remember those beautiful memories from the past and usher in new sunlight.”

Yu Hao smiled slightly as he looked at Chen Yekai. Chen Yekai drank some ice water and reflected for a moment before continuing.

“When I first liked Ryuusei, it was only a kind of concern and care out of obligation. Afterwards, without any sort of preparation, I was unexpectedly bombarded by some of his issues. If I had rejected him at first, then perhaps no matter what he did, I wouldn’t have felt moved and would only think of it as a kind of burden. At the same time, I would just think of it as a kind of material exchange: the investment of efforts was just in exchange for love.”

“I understand!” Yu Hao immediately understood and continued this line of thought, “The two of you were still very good friends at that time. You had no idea at all, and also thought that his original intention was just for you to be……”

Chen Yekai said, “Yes, just for me to be happy. As long as I could keep smiling, he was willing to do anything. He liked making me happy, because it would make him feel blessed too. So I thought that I definitely needed to cherish a friend like him.”

“Love isn’t simply an exchange.” Chen Yekai said, “It’s not something where after I give you a present, you would then come to love me a little. If the goal isn’t achieved, then the money spent would be in vain……I just want you to be happy, and from that, I would feel fortunate from the bottom of my heart as well.”

“I slowly came to realise that I also wanted Ryuusei to be happy, and maybe, that was love. We were used to each other’s company, and until the end, I couldn’t avoid thinking about him whenever I was free. When I saw him, it was as if my life was filled with sunlight. I wanted to share many things with him, and that should be……love ba.”

The two of them fell silent, and Yu Hao gradually began to understand.

Yu Hao said, “But when you slept with……sorry, Chen Laoshi, when you slept with him, you didn’t……consider doing it with the same sex as a deterrent?”

“With feelings as the foundation,” Chen Yekai said, “In your subconscious, you’ll want to take it a step further and wish for intimate contact with the other. It was a bit awkward at first, but because I liked it, I quickly got used to it, and it was even more intense than the stimulation I got from watching AVs. I think, my body was also spontaneously taking the initiative to learn about my sexual orientation ba?”

“A lot of dopamine should be released as a reward when you like a particular person, so it would establish a kind of conditioned reflex? Then……okay, that part’s uncertain, it’s just a bit of my personal experience that I’d like to provide to your highness, the Archangel, for your reference.”

Yu Hao, “!!!”

“That’s someone whom your soul would resonate with.” Chen Yekai finished peeling the shrimp and placed it on Yu Hao’s plate, then explained, “Whether they’re of the same or opposite sex, I think, isn’t that important. Even if they never have a gender in this lifetime, and only a platonic love exists between the two, what does it matter?” As he spoke, he smiled at Yu Hao.

“I think……” Yu Hao said, “Yes, I don’t want to deceive myself anymore. I like him. I want to……pursue him? That’s what it’s called ba? That phrasing sounds a bit weird, I want to……I want to take a step further with him. But after listening to you, I don’t think it’s necessary to be too focused on the material gains and losses, and just let nature take its course.”

Yu Hao had summoned up the courage to confess to another guy before, but ultimately, that incident had devastated his life, which made him reject love from then on. It had also cast a significant shadow over his heart — it was not until General hit the gatekeeper and turned him into a meteor that flew through the horizon before he was infatuated with the feeling of love again.

“That’s pretty good.” Chen Yekai began peeling shrimps for Yu Hao again.

Yu Hao quickly said, “I’m not eating anymore, leave it for yourself ba.”

“Un.” A hint of a smile could be seen in Chen Yekai’s eyes, “What do you plan to do first?”

Yu Hao hadn’t thought about it yet. He knew that Zhou Sheng was instinctively resistant to the idea of love and marriage because of his family, and this internalisation could also be present in his mental world……but his train of thought suddenly derailed as he suddenly thought of something strange.

In Zhou Sheng’s conscious world, what was under the sea of clouds? He once said that his life was also a mess. In his dreamscape, would underneath the sea of clouds also be a……a world similar to an abyss of darkness? In retrospect, the Golden Crow Wheel stood above the clouds, so wouldn’t it be unable to shine upon the area under the dense layers of clouds?

“Yu Hao?”

Yu Hao snapped out of his trance and realised that his expression just now might have been a little grave.

“Un.” Yu Hao returned from his chaotic mess of thoughts, “I haven’t thought about it yet.”

“He’s very possessive of you.” Chen Yekai said, “I think you’ve already moved him, and now he’s stuck hesitating. He thinks that he likes you, but he’s not willing to admit it.”

“Why don’t you try letting him realise that he doesn’t want you to leave? Most of the time, I think he’s acting like a spoiled child towards you in his own unique way, because you would then pay attention to him and return to his side. Your commitment to him makes him feel like he’s very important to you, and that is unrivalled.”

Yu Hao said, “That is true! Chen Laoshi, you’re very amazing too!”

Chen Yekai, “Don’t call me Laoshi anymore, I’ve already resigned. Zhou Sheng’s current attitude could partly be due to the fact that he doesn’t feel very threatened and believes that you won’t leave him. But once crisis becomes a reality, he might be aware of a serious threat and would have no choice but to get serious……”

“……so why don’t you find someone to cooperate with you and date that person? If the pretense seems real enough, he might understand exactly how he feels about you?”

Yu Hao said, “Who do I look for? That’s too much of a stretch ba. And that doesn’t seem too good, what if the one I’m cooperating with starts taking it seriously……”

“For instance, me?” Chen Yekai smiled, “Eat a little more, you’re too skinny. I’m not good at cooking, the only thing I have is money. Where do you want to eat? In this world, as long as it’s a place that accepts money, I can take you there at any time.”

Yu Hao, “……”

Three hours later, in the dormitory.

“You’re back?” Zhou Sheng said.

“My beloved concubine, you’re back?” Fu Liqun said, “Did you pack dinner for Zhen?”

Yu Hao’s thoughts weighed heavily on his mind. He placed the plastic bag with packed food on the table, showing the restaurant’s logo on it. Fu Liqun said, “Wah that place isn’t cheap. Eating and packing food away should cost more than 2,000 ba.”

“That expensive?!” Yu Hao immediately exploded, “I knew it!”

“Kaikai doesn’t lack money!” Zhou Sheng pulled a pair of chopsticks out and opened up the pack of coconut curry chicken; it was still hot, “Don’t help him save money.”

“Why don’t you eat too?” Fu Liqun said, “Yu Hao!”

“I can’t!” Yu Hao’s mind wasn’t on food at all now. He went to the balcony to wash clothes.

Fu Liqun held his packed dinner and put on his earphones to watch his variety show. Zhou Sheng took his packed dinner to the balcony and asked Yu Hao, “What did you guys talk about?”

“Nothing much.” Yu Hao roughly described their conversation, and of course, he didn’t mention a single word of their discussion regarding Zhou Sheng. In the end, Chen Yekai saw that he truly seemed too embarrassed, so he diverged from the topic and sent him an electronic version of a contract.

“He helped me find a part-time job.” Yu Hao wiped his hands and showed Zhou Sheng the email in his phone, “To translate some survey reports, and I’ll be paid by word count.”

Chen Yekai wanted to give his laptop to Yu Hao to use, but Yu Hao insisted on translating by himself at an Internet cafe. Chen Yekai then asked him to go back and sign the electronic contract for confirmation. If everything goes well, after he works for two months, he would be able to earn 7,800 yuan.

“Oh, that’s pretty good.” Zhou Sheng said, “I can’t understand the letter, how much does it pay?”

“A few thousand?” Yu Hao glanced at Zhou Sheng. He reached out to help him wipe off a grain of rice from the corner of his mouth.

Zhou Sheng, “Didn’t talk about anything else?”

Yu Hao, “No!”

Zhou Sheng stared at Yu Hao doubtfully. Yu Hao felt a little guilty and stressed, “We really didn’t. You know I’ve always been tight-lipped.”

“Ohh——” Zhou Sheng answered.

Yu Hao felt a little guilty, and he was about to change the subject when Zhou Sheng went back in with his packed dinner. Then he put Fu Liqun’s laptop on speaker mode, and the two of them watched the variety show together.

Today, Chen Yekai’s words were just like a tempestuous storm where wave after wave inundated him. Even now, Yu Hao still hadn’t managed to break out of his stupor. Of course, Chen Yekai was very smart; he didn’t wait for Yu Hao to reject him, and after the topic diverged, both of them had a tacit understanding and didn’t speak of it again.

I’ll just focus on earning money first, Yu Hao thought about it for awhile. He decided not to accept Chen Yekai’s suggestion, but he had also understood something. He has always wanted to buy Zhou Sheng a birthday gift to make him happy, such as a phone or something else.

“Where are you going again?” Fu Liqun and Zhou Sheng turned away from their variety show and looked at Yu Hao.

“Internet cafe.” Yu Hao said, “I need to translate something.”

“Look at the time though, you’re pulling an all nighter?” Zhou Sheng got up and took off his earphones, “Go go, let’s go together.”

“Use my laptop?” Fu Liqun closed his laptop and handed it to Yu Hao, “I’m sleeping now; I need to take the train tomorrow morning to go look for your sis-in-law. Help me take attendance then.”

It would be Friday again tomorrow. The sports classes only had two common classes. Fu Liqun was going to meet his girlfriend in the neighbouring city, and was elated about being able to spend three days together with her.

“Stop abusing single dogs, will you? Zhou Sheng flipped over and easily flopped onto his bed, then added, “When will you introduce one to Laozi too?”

Yu Hao, “……”

Yu Hao seldom received such a critical hit in the dormitory room. He knew that Zhou Sheng must have said that on purpose, so he immediately felt a little upset.

“You already have Yu Hao, get lost!” Fu Liqun very beautifully threw one back at him.

Yu Hao, “…………”

“You get lost!” Zhou Sheng actually didn’t say anything more and their conversation ended just like that.

Yu Hao didn’t have time to ruminate on the meaning hidden within. He turned on the laptop, logged into his email. When the other side received the contract, they asked Yu Hao to add his contact information.

“Zhou Sheng, can I borrow your VPN for awhile?” Yu Hao asked Zhou Sheng while facing him.

Zhou Sheng reached out from his bed and passed his phone to Yu Hao, and his VPN password was on his notebook. When Yu Hao was looking at it while he input the password, he saw that Fu Liqun had sent Zhou Sheng three messages in a row. Fu Liqun suddenly realised that the phone was in Yu Hao’s hand, and immediately glanced at Yu Hao, who was on the opposite lower bunk.

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