Not even the warm, plush, luxuriant bright purple down of Mira could do more than soak up the tears leaking from Lycoris's eyes. Her voice had long since abandoned her, her sobs turned into breathless hiccups.  Being the highly intelligent myrh that he was, Mira had plopped down and curled around her protectively to give her a space to vent, though it offered her little solace. Lycoris was already beyond knowing why she was sad and crying. Her thoughts had unraveled into a disorganized jumble and the tears were simply flowing on their own. She cursed herself for losing her temper and running away like that. Why was fleeing always the first thing she thought of?! …Perhaps, better that than fight…  She clenched her fists, rubbed her face against soft feathers, gnashed her teeth, cursing her mother for being a murderous monster and herself for not being better. Not because there were no shortage of life that she had robbed herself—the context was so different it felt an insult to even compare the two—but because she had willfully allowed herself to be blinded by kindness.  She hiccuped out another groan. What could she even do, when all of this was so far beyond her control? She never chose to become a Vampire, she had come here to find a good place to die. So why was she spared? Why was she shown such kindness? Why had the Goddess twisted her childish prayers and pleading like this?

Why couldn't anything ever just be simple?

Lycoris couldn't bring herself to actually hate Lilianna. Not anymore, not after seeing who she was in private. It was like the old fable of the buried wish-granting machine, but every wish granted inflicted another dose of poison to the user's mind. Eventually, the user could no longer think for themselves or do anything but rely on the machine, until they were completely consumed by it, their soul devoured as fuel until the next lost soul stumbled across the accursed device.  The Exaltare had already granted her one wish, and she couldn't envision a life anywhere else. She didn't want to either.  But neither did Lycoris want her mother to be who she was. She wanted Lilianna to just be a kindly mother, without all of the… stupid evil overlord stuff. It would also mean more time with her, maybe in a less uptight environment too. They could spend more time together reading stories, or maybe she could teach Lycoris what other sorts of unique entertainment Vampires had.  Maybe they also played cards to pass the time on watch.

"*sniff* What am I even thinking?"

How could the woman who held her close and read stories to her be the same one to command the death of thousands? Could she actually pull herself away from Lilianna?  Lycoris was no hero, she lacked the willpower required of her. Maybe if it was Mizar, he would've just… tried killing her anyways, even after becoming a Vampire. That was why he was the hero, not Lycoris.  Would it be okay for her to give up then? To turn a blind eye to the atrocities her mother had and would continue to casually commit? …Hadn't she already?

"Stupid, stupid… I'm so stupid!"

Frustrated and overwhelmed, Lycoris banged her hand against her head, earning nothing but a headache. It didn't even serve to vent her anger.  Lightly scolding her, Mira chirped and nipped at her sleeve, stopping her hand mid-strike.

"Chrrr!"  "Ah…? No, I'm okay… *sniff* Or, I'm not… I don't know what to do, Mira."  "Kree."

He let go of Lycoris's sleeve and gave her cheek a lick, wiping away some of her tears only to replace them with saliva. Ever the valiant supporter, he stood up and trotted over to his stable to fetch his frisbee to play.  Lycoris couldn't help but chuckle at the animal's selfishness and wiped away the tears and spit with her sleeve, holding out her hand for the disc.

"Alright, fine. I suppose it's only fair after you did so good consoling me." Even though she still didn't feel any closer to an answer.

She wasn't even able to toss the thing before Mira perked his head up and stared toward the door, and a moment later it opened with a creak. Standing there was a nervous Athena, fidgeting with her glasses and looking between the phone in her hand and the girl and beast in the middle of the atrium.  Rather than searching for Lycoris, it seemed she was here to deliver a message, since she wasn't surprised or relieved upon finding her. But why did she have such a complicated expression?

Still unsettled by her swirling maelstrom of emotions, Lycoris stepped backwards toward Mira instead of approaching Athena as the woman entered with a bow and walked toward her. Instinct told her to run, but her faintly simmering hatred stayed her feet as she refused to permit her cowardice control. It was only Athena after all.  She was probably asked by Lilianna to calm Lycoris down and prepare her for a second round of discussion. Not that Lycoris was particularly keen on that idea either.

Instead, Lycoris was stricken by something far worse. Something she hadn't even considered, telling of how narrow-minded her worldview was.  Perhaps it was because she saw Lilianna as a mother, and so the comparison point was more obvious to that abhorrent woman, rather than the father who demanded she always be of use.

"Um, Your Highness? Your mother asked me to… to let you know that she's gone ahead and finalized your application to Alephertz Academy. It seems everything has already been prepared for your arrival for a month or two now."  "What…?"  "While it's still the middle of the current decennial session, and perhaps a little early besides, we are to proceed with your transfer this month."  "What…?"

The girl could only repeat herself as Athena morosely explained. While the maid didn't seem to understand the exact details, she could tell there was clearly something that had happened between mother and child.  Lycoris's heart throbbed painfully even as her limbs went numb and her vision blurred. Somehow, she had never once considered the possibility that her mother might truly discard her. Not after how much time they had already spent together. Foolish and arrogant child that she was, Lycoris had taken for granted that she would always get the final say in what happened to her.  But when had that ever been true? She had, after all, always gone along with what her mother said, or at least acquiesced to her mother's conditions, or…

"Your Highness!"

Athena dashed forward and caught her as she stumbled and fell forward, a hand soothingly pressed against her back as a spiraling black static devoured all Lycoris's thoughts.  She wasn't sure if Athena was saying something or not, as words lost their meaning and sounds became indistinct noise irritating her ears.  Wanting to disappear, Lycoris closed her eyes and helplessly prayed to the void.

＊　＊　＊

Glass shattered loudly as it collided with the doorframe. The thrower was already too inebriated to aim properly, much to ■■■■■'s benefit. Many cuts and bruises marred his forehead, cheeks, shoulders, arms, and legs. Not all of them were because of his father, but too many were. He thought that his father might be better than his mother, but it seemed that after walking out on her and heading to the city to "make it big," the man had seen nothing but setbacks. Or was never capable of managing such a feat to begin with.  ■■■■■'s arrival was a convenient opportunity to him, as he forced the poor child to pick pockets and scrounge for anything that might be of use. Something that he was terrible at. He was the son of a farmer, not a petty larcenist.  And yet still he tried, for he desperately wanted to earn the approval of his father for some Lightless reason. Maybe it was just because he remembered when he was extremely young, and his father would pick him up and smile… Smile as though he was grateful for ■■■■■'s existence.

Naturally, he almost never brought home anything useful, just more bruises and cuts from people catching him in the act. Occasionally, there'd be a loaf of bread from someone who took pity on him, which his father would promptly steal and wet with ale before greedily devouring.  Of course, after that happened the first time, ■■■■■ would tear off just enough to eat himself beforehand, such that it wouldn't be suspicious that all he brought home were "unwanted leftovers."  It was a careful balancing act, as his father was quick to take him to task, furiously hurling obscenities or worse if he didn't have anything good enough to offer.

"Useless fucking waste of space! I let you crawl in here and sleep under my roof, and you can't even find enough money to pay for a single bottle'a… ugh… no wonder she kicked ya out…"  "She did not! I… I ran, 'cause—"  "Haahh? Are ya backtalkin' me now, y'little shit?!"

Many nights proceeded in such a manner, though sometimes he'd threaten to throw ■■■■■ out, turn him into the guards for a reward—not that there was any sort of system like that—or he'd be too drunk to get physical with his aggression, or in the rarest and most pleasant occasions, would already be unconscious. Of course, all that meant is if ■■■■■ overstayed his welcome without anything to show for it, there'd be an even more vicious beating waiting for him in the morning. However that still paled in comparison to the worst possibility.

■■■■■ wasn't sure how many times it happened, but every night that his father forced him to sleep outside were the ones that haunted him the most. He would rather take the abuse directly than have to stay awake to avoid having rats gnawing on his toes or risk losing them to the chill in winter, or…

…

…One night in particular, after he had been caught and handed over to the Church for correction and return to the local orphanage—though that had been an honest mistake, as he wasn't enrolled at any such institution—he remembered listening to the minister deliver a rapt sermon on the goodness of the Goddess and how She would reward the faithful, forgive the repentant, and punish the wicked.  He wondered what he had done to be so punished, and asked the priest such. In turn, he was taught a prayer to ask for forgiveness, which he uttered every night thereafter, along with begging Her for even a sliver of Her compassion to be bestowed upon his family.

Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.  At the same time, the priest gave him a basket of fresh fruits and bread to take home. That was the first time his father didn't beat him. He still ate all of the food, sharing nothing with ■■■■■ that the child hadn't already eaten on the way over.  But it was a turn for the better.

After that, he tried to tell his father as well, to convince him that good things would come their way if only he begged the Goddess for forgiveness and blessings. But he refused to acknowledge that he had done any wrong, he shifted the blame onto ■■■■■ and his mother.  That night was the cruellest Lycoris could remember in her tortured memories.

The next time his father had drunk himself into a stupor, ■■■■■ was prepared. He wasn't sure what came over him, but he had decided that he would carry out the Goddess's will and deliver Her punishment himself.  That afternoon, he had found a tool that felt like a message from the Goddess. A small pocket knife had slipped from someone's belt and been kicked into the gutters beside a food stall he was loitering around. A part of him thought it might be good to pawn off for some coin to appease his father… but he knew that would only solve the issue for one night.  That night, ■■■■■ slipped into his father's bedroom, crept up to his ugly-snoring, splayed out body, and—#&@^!&@!)######################・・・・・　・　・　・　・

＊　＊　＊

But oblivion only served to remind her of her own sins and fears. A stone-heavy weight bore down on Lycoris as consciousness reclaimed her. The girl morosely opened her eyes and saw a familiar canopy bed above. Despite her residual body heat, the silken sheets covering her felt oppressively cold and sticky as they clung to her.  Her legs were slick with sweat and her body felt like she had run a marathon, but when she remembered what preceded her unpleasant trip down memory lane, all the residual tension in her body evaporated.

Perhaps this is another nightmare, she thought. A nightmare within a nightmare. Perhaps I'll wake up again, and none of this will have happened. I'll still be in Dauwen, talking to Commander ■■■■■■■.

She sat bolt upright, staring across the room at her dour reflection in the mirror. She couldn't remember her commander's name, even though she'd served together for at least a decade and a half. It was immediately obvious this was no dream.  That came as a bit of a relief to her, in spite of the horrors accompanying consciousness. Somehow, the idea of returning to being an over-the-hill greying uncle figure sat poorly in her stomach. And not just because it meant losing the few friends she'd made in Tenebreimen.

Shaking the bizarre thought aside, Lycoris slid out of bed and walked around toward the vanity, letting her hair trail behind her as it brushed against her thighs. Sitting down on her little stool, she examined the soles of her feet to confirm that someone had cleaned her up after she passed out, finding no trace of dirt or grime from Mira's chambers.  She traced a finger along her cheek where he'd licked it prior, and clenched her hand tightly over her heart. To say she had calmed down was both lie and truth, for she certainly was feeling less overwhelmed than before… but instead all her emotions had turned to overflowing, unbearable anxiety that refused to let her sit still.

Why is it that I can only remember my nightmares, and none of the good times?

Surely it wasn't because there were no good times. There had to be! She'd known Fawaris and Mizar since they were little, after all.  Maybe it was just the Goddess punishing her. It certainly seemed like something She would do to those who allowed temptation to worm its way into their hearts. Or, perhaps it was because of her parricide… Either option seemed just as likely. In retrospect, perhaps her life with that man had been as hard as it was because of how she parted ways with her mother. Only, she made the same mistake again.  Feeling bile rise in her throat, Lycoris shook the nauseating thoughts away.

Instead she glanced at the curtains, then the clock, wondering what time it even was. The convenient timepiece helpfully informed her that it was still the wee hours of the morning, hours away from dawn's first bell. Or, "two o'clock a.m." as Vampires put it.  She wanted nothing more than to rush to Lilianna's room and dive into her warm bed and embrace her, but like a splinter wedged into her brain, an incongruous feeling told her that was wrong. Not because she wasn't a child, or any meager excuses like that.  It was guilt. Guilt for all the people she didn't know, who she had some control over the life and death of. None of it had felt real to her, at any point. Not even now, admittedly. But she still understood what both her action and inaction had wrought, and who it was that had a direct and explicit hand in the deed.

But she was also scared. Terrified of what her mother's reaction would be if she saw her. After all, her last words were that she hated her, even if that was an impulsive and brash lie told in the heat of the moment. And then her mother decided to send her away to wherever this academy was.  What if she didn't even want to see Lycoris anymore? What if she had somehow ruined things, like with…

Like ocean waves, anxiety ebbed and flowed and crashed into Lycoris's jagged rocky thoughts.  Had she failed again? Maybe Lilianna realized that she was just a fuckup, just like her original ■■■■■■. Maybe her collapse during court, in front of Archduke Drimus, meant she was at risk of exposure and Lilianna was cutting ties with her. Or, could it be that she'd said the wrong thing, done the wrong thing by acting so impulsively and calling Tatyana out by name?  Swirling thoughts surrounded her and dove for attack like mocking vultures, tormenting her as she wobbled unsteadily on the stool.  There was only one solution to her plight, but her leaden legs refused behave her command to stand up. The most she could manage was to turn and stare at the door to her room, a voiceless whimper on the tips of her lips.

At the same time, she almost felt a… something on the other side of it as she focused on the door itself. A presence, wavering back and forth. Not an assailant, there was too much unease in the air—or perhaps she was simply projecting her own feelings. More likely, it was Athena waiting for her to wake up, or debating whether to go in and check on Lycoris in her sleep.

Not feeling particularly tired anymore, and desperately seeking any distraction from her own thoughts needling her, Lycoris meekly called out.

"I'm already awake."

Whoever was on the other end of the door, they immediately froze and began to retreat, before changing their mind and approaching instead. As the doorknob twisted and the white wood creaked on its hinges, Lycoris's heart froze over and a dizzying blow slammed into her head.  In much the same manner as when Lycoris first awoke in this room and refused the clothing offered to her, Lilianna stood awkwardly in the doorway. Though now Lycoris could pick out the subtleties in her body language. The almost-exaggerated droop of her ears, the exposed fang digging in to the corner of her lip, the tightly clenched hand behind her back, the slightly-shut eyelids as she forced herself to stare at her daughter.

"May I come in?"  "…"

Anything Lycoris had considered saying died in her throat before making it out. She didn't remember ever learning any of her mother's tells, but it was obvious how troubled Lilianna was. Not angry, not fuming, not even annoyed.  She slowly inclined her head, looking at her hands sitting in her lap.  Her mother took that as a sign and entered wordlessly, closing the door silently. She walked up to Lycoris, the girl trembled and balled up her hands, and she paused.  Neither knew what to say.

The awkward deadlock remained, until Lycoris opened her mouth and forced out a tiny croak, tears forming in her eyes as she gave word to her fears.

"Please don't throw me away…"  "We're so—rchgwu… HUH?!"

In an exceedingly rare display, the Exaltare stumbled over her words as she recoiled in shock. Whatever she had braced herself for, Lycoris had struck her with a curveball. Though they'd sparred many times before, this was the first time the daughter had ever landed a proper blow—intentional or otherwise.  Lilianna recovered quickly however. She crouched down in front of her daughter and put a hand over Lycoris's trembling fists.

"What on Earth are you talking about, Lycoris?"  "Y-You're s-s-sending me off to…" Lycoris gasped between choked sobs, "to that academy, to g-get r-rid of me, right?!"  "Oh… Lycoris," whimpered Lilianna. She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Lycoris and pulled her close, squeezing her tighter with each word. "We would never, ever, EVER abandon our daughter. You are our one and only child, Dearest. You are irreplaceable."  "B-But, I thought… you were angry. I, I failed you and made a scene and you—"  "Shhh, shh shh." She rested Lycoris's head against her breast and stroked her fingers through her daughter's hair. "We are not angry with you. It's okay."  "S-So why?"  Lilianna let out a small, sad sigh, "We had been holding back on the decision, waiting until you were ready—no, you already are more than prepared. We were just… procrastinating. We did not wish for you to leave us. When we heard your displeasure with us, we thought it might be a good idea to let you have some space."  "…oh…"  "We… thought you would need more time to come to terms with things. That you… reviled us, as you said."  "Oh."

Lycoris tensed back up, or as much as she could while being held against her mother, face pressed into the soft silk gown she wore. Her tears had ceased flowing, and she had regained enough composure to speak her feelings.

"I don't… actually hate you."  Lilianna's shoulders relaxed ever so slightly, but her embrace remained just as firm. "We're sorry for upsetting you so, but… there are things that simply must be done to maintain order in so ancient and grand an empire. Does that make sense?"  "I don't see how it ever possibly could…"  "That's alright Dear, Mama is sure that one day you'll come to understand. But… regardless of that, we are sorry for inflicting such torment on you."  "Mmm…"

Lycoris didn't like the implication of what Lilianna was saying, considering it played exactly into the fear she held about her own future. She didn't ever want to understand how her mother could so casually accept such a price.  Nothing had been resolved, and it still felt like a wedge had been driven into her heart, but right now, Lycoris was tired and didn't want to think or argue or fight with her mother anymore. She was just happy that she wasn't being abandoned.

"Do I not have to go to this academy, then?"  "Err… as we said, we were planning to send you there eventually regardless. It is the school we attended, and there are things you can only learn there, in a proper environment. And it will be safe there, far from the—"  "But I don't want to go! I want…" Lycoris trailed off, her face burning hotly as she realized what she was about to say. "…to stay with you, still…"  "A…Ahaha, goodness. We aren't throwing you to the wolves, Little Flower. It may be in the northeastern reaches of the Empire, but we can visit whenever. 'Tis Drimus's territory, there are holidays abound, and no doubt you'll find yourself wanting to spend more time there with whatever friends—or, vassals rather—you make. And remember our little phone conversations?"  "But that's different," mumbled Lycoris, "I can't hug you over the phone…"

Despite knowing that she could manage just fine on her own—probably—Lycoris didn't want to lose her current lifestyle. She was making steady progress with her studying, didn't have to worry about how she presented herself—most of the time at least—or any sort of schedule conflicts, and most importantly, she was surrounded by comforting and familiar faces.  Losing so warm an environment just after growing accustomed to it felt punishing and unfair, no matter the circumstances surrounding them… but, in some sense, that was par for the course for her entire life. Her skin was thick enough that she could survive.  Especially if Lilianna kept her word about visiting whenever.

"Then would you care to rest with Mama tonight? Much of the night has already passed, but perhaps you would still—"  "Yes! …I mean, yes, please…"

Her mother reclined her head and heartily laughed, holding onto Lycoris as she stood back up and turned around.  With uncertainty filling her heart once more, Lycoris embraced the wish in her heart for the solace that her mother freely offered. She had done so before, she could set aside the conflicting emotions at least long enough to savor the kindness that she'd sorely lacked over the past four decades.  Pushing disaster and strife out of her mind for but a moment, Lycoris buried her face against her mother and inhaled her soothing rosy aroma, wishing to etch the memory of that scent in her mind for the coming months.

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