Today's Earth date: February 3, 1992

Picture the big plastic tubes kids crawl in at Chuck E. Cheese, the ones that go in and out of the ball pit. That's how big around the poop snake was.

It was covered in white slime and strange growths, something like tumors or warts, or maybe both. It had a fin running down its back and its jaw was more narrow than a typical snake. Its whole head, actually, looked like it had been pushed in at the sides.

Wilmond had a theory about the snake's origin that he was very proud of. Apparently when his older brother was a freshman in college, his dorm got called into a group meeting where they said to stop jerking it in the showers because it was clogging the pipes.

I heard that story after I took a direct hit and got covered in the slime. Wilmond thought it was hilarious.

The snake knew lightning magic too, which wasn't great for four Heroes fighting in ankle deep sludge, but we brought it down and got a level out of it. Eventually.

-The Journal of Laszlo the Paladin

"Didn't expect y'all to come back," a shirtless man with an eye patch and pronounced paunch said, his hands on his hips. He had a thick rub tucked into his lower lip. "You can camp in the same spot if you like."

Sammy took over steering Outlawson to the campsite while Wayne and Fergus went to conduct business.

"We ain't got anymore manaconda meat if that's why you made the ride down," the same man said.

"We wanted to hire a guide, actually," Wayne replied. "We're heading to the Dead Zone. They don't need to come in with us, but the trip there and back would be easier with an expert."

"Nothin' good will come from stompin' around that place." The man leaned to the side and spit a thick brown liquid. "Unless dyin' is what you're after."

"It's for research, and we'll be careful."

"Suppose if anyone can do it, it's y'all. Kenny's your best bet for a guide."

"Thank you," Wayne said, recognizing the name. "We know the way."

Wayne had visited Kenny's house during the late-night ratman raid, finding the three ratmen rogues attempting to steal a control panel for a fighter plane. He didn't meet Kenny personally, though.

Finding the house easily enough, Wayne and Fergus approached a woman outside hanging laundry to dry. She was barefoot, wore cutoff shorts and sported a shirt that might have once been a long-sleeved tunic but was now cut at the shoulders and across the midsection like a crop top. Her light brown hair was pulled into a loose ponytail.

Life in the Cuts left her lean and muscular, and Wayne guessed that she was maybe in her thirties.

"The big city folk are back," she said, acknowledging their approach before going back to her chores.

"We were hoping to speak to Kenny," Wayne began.

"What about?"

"We'd like to hire a guide to get us to and from the Dead Zone. I saw one of Kenny's… collectibles when we were here last and figured this was a good place to start."

"Most folks would hire a guide to avoid the Dead Zone. Ain't a safe place to be."

"We understand," Wayne said. "We intend to step lightly, and our guide doesn't have to go in with us. Is Kenny around?"

"I'm Kenny."

Fergus giggled at Wayne's embarrassment and turned to hide his reaction.

"Nice to meet you, Kenny. Do you want the job?"

"Pay me by the day, keep me fed, and let me bring back whatever I choose to salvage."

Wayne cocked his head. "As in you'd come with us into the Dead Zone?"

"You're sharp."

"If you don't mind following our orders when there's danger, I'm fine with all of that. Our wagon is only so big, though, if you want another cockpit panel, we probably can't fit it."

"Cockpit?"

"Yeah, the device the rats tried to steal the last time we were here."

"You know what it is?"

"Sort of," Wayne answered. "I'm certain it came from Earth, but I couldn't tell you how it's supposed to work."

"Come with me."

Kenny led Wayne and Fergus around the back of her house and opened the door to a shed. An assortment of trinkets and knick-knacks hung from the walls and were stacked in the corners of the six by six space. A few immediately struck Wayne as artifacts from Earth.

"Do you recognize any of this stuff?" she asked and handed Wayne a small brass pipe connection with a wheel handle attached to the top. The wheel was shaped like every outside spigot in modern America, the one you went to for a drink of water when your parents locked you outside. The pipe had "Cramp Shipbuilding Company" stamped on the side.

Resource Values.

William Cramp & Sons Ship & Engine Building Company, Proteus-Class Collier Steam Valve (Poor), Average Value of [no sales data available].

"This came from a ship on Earth," Wayne said. "I can't tell you what kind of ship it was, but this looks like it was made within the last one hundred years or so. That's a guess, though."

Wayne pointed to a cylindrical object with two blades sticking out in either direction.

"I can say for sure that's an airplane propeller. May I?"

She nodded.

Resource Values.

ERCO Ercoupe Monoplane Propeller (Poor), Average Value of 20 Manaconda Steaks.

"Yeah, that's what it is," Wayne confirmed.

"What's an airplane?"

"They're machines that can fly. That box the rats were after was part of a plane as well, but a different type, I think." Wayne grabbed a stick and drew his best approximation of a single-engine plane and then a jetliner in the mud. "Planes are shaped like one of these."

Kenny pointed at the single-engine drawing. "There's a bunch of these in the Dead Zone."

"How many is a bunch?" Wayne asked.

"Five or seven, but I've only explored a part of it."

Wayne looked at Fergus. "This sounds more active than Vanilli's portal."

Fergus nodded. "Nice to know the trip will be interesting."

If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

"Did the rats come back?" Wayne asked.

"They sure did," Kenny drawled. "Snatched a few of my favorite pieces. But they ain't been back since the paladin was here."

Fergus perked up immediately. "Did you say 'paladin?'"

"That's what he said," Kenny answered with a shrug. "Came through a few days ago, kabob'd a few dozen rats for us, then said they wouldn't be a bother no more. Been quiet since."

"Did the paladin have a name?"

"Probably but I didn't hear it. I don't mean to wind you up, but the folks who saw him fight said he was stronger than all y'all."

Wayne and Fergus stared at one another, perplexed.

"When are we leavin'?" Kenny asked. "I can be ready first thing if the money is right."

Wayne shook Kenny's hand to seal the deal and spent the rest of the day talking to people around town to learn more about the paladin Kenny saw. The other townsfolk confirmed her story, including the part about him being much stronger than Wayne with the additional qualifier of "faster" added to the description. No one got a name, knew where he came from, or had any idea of where he went next. The best description Wayne could glean was that the paladin was a "good lookin' fella in beat up armor."

From the descriptions of the battle itself, it happened at night. The villagers didn't see any spells or summons, but the paladin was "faster than shit" and chased the ratmen into the jungle without running afoul of any coral.

"Does that worry you?" Armond asked when Wayne returned to camp to share his report.

"I'm more curious than anything. It's definitely not a bad thing he stopped here to help."

"But you also can't say if he had system access or not."

"Correct," Wayne confirmed. "That's really the biggest question for me, but this could also just be a guy that's tough and good with a sword. Anyone can call themselves a paladin."

"Seems like we'd hear about someone else running with system access," Armond added.

"Yeah, you'd think so, right? At any rate, we hired a guide and are heading out first thing."

On the way to the Dead Zone, Kenny shared every bit of lore and history related to the area that she could think of.

With one corner of the Dead Zone passing over Drumin's Divide, many of the stories talked about monsters coming out of the crack to live and hunt in the Dead Zone. Having come from the Divide, they were immune to whatever strange disease or force afflicted that part of the jungle. Some people believed that the Divide itself "leaked" into the jungle, creating the Dead Zone.

Disappearances were common, from hunters to explorers, but Kenny didn't put a lot of stock in those stories. The Dead Zone was deep in the jungle, so most of the disappearances were more likely to be from getting lost or eaten by a siren trap, she said.

Kenny could confirm, however, that something definitely wasn't right in the Dead Zone. She described a shifting landscape littered with bones. A simple blink was enough time for everything around you to change. Navigation errors were easy to make in that environment.

"Creepiest thing about the Dead Zone?" Kenny said as they made camp the first night on the road. "Aside from all the bones you mean? It's quiet. No bugs or birds go in there. Not a one. Ain't even wind to shake some branches. It's still and silent the second you crossover."

"That's not an exaggeration?" Fergus asked. "There's really no wind."

"Still as death."

"We've been doing ghost stories all day," Hector said. "Can we talk about something less stressful while we eat at least?"

Fergus nodded. "Hector is right. Our conversations today have been grim."

"Those siren flowers are the worst of it." Hector helped Sammy pull the cookware out of the wagon. "Every sound I hear has me afraid I'm going to zombie walk into the jungle."

Kenny laughed. "A tough guy like you is scared of a flower?"

"Damn right, I am. Melts your brain and then eats you alive? You attach that description to the cutest kitten in the world, and I'm going to cross the street to get away from that bugger."

"We won't be anywhere near 'em," Kenny assured the barbarian. "They only grow around the Earth Temple."

"You don't understand. This party doesn't get to do normal."

Chuckling, Margo said, "That's the truth."

Referencing a notebook, Vanilli briefly reviewed who was on watch duty that night and what time their shifts were.

"Y'all take safety real serious, huh?" Kenny said. "Manacondas don't hunt at night, and the goblins don't come this far east."

"We'll get attacked tonight," Wayne said, casually. "When it happens, stick with Sammy and Vanilli. They know the drill."

Kenny stared at Wayne, as if waiting for him to confirm it was a joke.

"I'm not messing with you. We get attacked twice a night sometimes. Frankly, I'm surprised we went the whole day without an encounter."

"You'll see," Hector added. "Then you'll be worried about evil flowers too."

Wayne gently shook Kenny's shoulder.

Her eyes opened with a start.

"It's okay," Wayne whispered. "It's just me, but we've got company."

"Very funny."

Kenny lifted her head and looked around her, listening to the distant chirps of wereratdolphins somewhere in the jungle. She saw Hector rolling his head around his shoulders to loosen up, sword and shield in hand. Over by the wagon, Vanilli held his sheathed katana and had his lasso over his shoulder. He looked around as if on watch while Sammy climbed up and inside.

"No jokes here," Wayne said. "Get in the wagon."

Kenny nodded and slipped out of her bedroll.

"Still only twelve on my HUD," Wayne said, updating his party with Voice. "But remember, we've met ratmen who can stealth, so stay alert."

With the heavy growth of the Cuts, the party's wagon barely had enough space to pull off the road. Anything brave enough to move through the coral-ridden jungle could get within feet of the party without leaving cover, forcing Wayne and the Zeroes to assume a tight formation.

Wayne's Metox alarm went off, a mental alert that meant he was being targeted. Out of instinct, he used Incoming play, and his world seemed to slow. He saw a system-imposed path for a goblin arrow. The light blue trail started at the goblin's bow up the road and ran all the way to Wayne's chest.

Then the path started to shake, as if the goblin's hands suddenly became unsteady.

That was Margo's Doran skill decreasing its accuracy. Wayne stepped clear of the arrow's path and sent Linebacker bot out to draw aggro from the goblins who had snuck much closer to the wagon.

At the same time, Fergus sent an Earth Elemental and a Water Elemental into the jungle. Wayne couldn't see it, but he heard the sound of heavy fists hitting meat.

Four goblins burst out of the undergrowth. Taller and more muscular than other goblins Wayne had encountered, their bodies were wrapped with wooden armor. Deep and shallow gouges created a thatching effect from being dragged over coral again and again.

Hector dropped an Iron Wall to protect the side of the wagon closest to the jungle. Margo's arrows flew fast and often. Fergus wrapped up a goblin with Twine Time and blasted another in the face with Flame. Wayne rotated between Missile and Upsidaisy to snipe goblins while keeping them from closing the distance.

And then the battle was over. Wayne deployed Running Back bot to see if it would draw aggro from any monster using stealth and watched his HUD closely for dots he might have missed. He didn't pick up any more reds nor did Emverdoo add any new health bars to his view.

"Looks like we're clear," Wayne said.

"Great work, everyone," Armond added. "That was smooth and tactical. Very nice."

"Well, back to bed for me," Hector said, putting his sword and shield next to his bedroll. "See you guys in the morning."

The others didn't speak but followed Hector's lead. By the time Sammy helped Kenny out of the wagon, most of the party had already laid their heads on pillows and closed their eyes.

"Y'all really just goin' back to sleep?" she asked, looking around at the crumpled silhouettes of goblin bodies. "What if more clobs come?"

"Clobs?" Wayne raised an eyebrow.

Kenny pointed to the goblins. "Clobs. Can't believe they're huntin' this close to town, but those are clobs, for sure."

"We'll fight them."

"Awful casual about monsters wantin' to eat you."

"I'm on watch for the rest of the night. The camp will be safe. Promise."

Wayne climbed onto the wagon to perch on the bench for his shift. He took a waterskin with him and sipped at it while he passed the time going through his system menus. His recent progress was far slower than the first few months of traveling. That was to be expected, he supposed, but he was only level 19. He had a decent backlog of games to unlock with Christmas List and plenty of new skills to learn as a result.

Chopping down grunts just didn't give enough experience any more. He needed more battles like the Pale Weresnail and the Crustacean Crusader, bosses or mini bosses in other words.

Was he really wishing people-eating monsters were more prevalent, just for the sake of his levels?

"Can I sit?" Kenny whispered, looking up at Wayne from next to the wagon.

He scooted over and offered a hand to pull her up.

"Can't believe anyone is sleepin' after that. Y'all are crazy."

"We used to travel with merchant caravans," Wayne said, speaking softly. "We stopped because of all of the monsters we attract."

"Cause of the Diary?"

"Seems so."

After a few minutes of quiet, Kenny asked, "What's it mean that I found stuff from your world?"

"It's a bit more common than you might think, but that's part of the reason we want to check it out. We aren't sure what it means."

Kenny nodded and hugged her knees to her chest. When she hadn't spoken for a while, Wayne mostly forgot she was there until she leaned into him, resting her head against his shoulder while she slept. He knew better than to read too far into that, but it made him smile nonetheless.

Not wanting to disturb her rest, he stayed still and let his mind wander back to his hunger for levels.

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