Today's Earth date: December 14, 1991

We set out to rescue Horcus, and he ended up rescuing us.

The goblins attacked our camp at night, which matches our typical travel experiences in this world. I was on watch, and everyone got to their weapons before the goblins were fully on us.

What wasn't typical was how smart they were. They backed us into a wide stretch of coral that was hidden by overgrowth, and a heavy rain made footing a nightmare. The goblins weren't bothered by the rain, and they outnumbered us by ten to one at best.

Horcus came out of nowhere and fried them with a new lightning spell.

-The Journal of Laszlo the Paladin

The restaurant Vanilli picked served a style of food that was somewhere between Greek gyros and Mexican tacos–thin bread wrapped around seasoned meat with a few vegetables for flavor. It wasn't the high-class fare that Fergus usually picked. The waitstaff wasn't in freshly pressed uniforms, and no one played a piano in the corner.

This was a local family-run establishment that served everyday people. If Wayne were on Earth, this would have been a small town diner serving truckers right off the highway.

He liked it.

He did not like, however, what he saw his party wearing.

Fergus spotted Wayne from across the restaurant and yelled for him to join them. Wayne stepped slowly, still jarred by what he saw. It didn't fit. They shouldn't be in this world. They couldn't possibly be.

Vanilli, wearing a rare smile, handed one of the hats to Wayne. The round brim was stiff, the sides flaring upward. The crown was stiff as well, shaped with a crease down the middle and two dents on either side. This particular hat was tan, but Wayne saw black, white, and brown hats on his party. Vanilli's hat was white.

"Where did you get this?" Wayne asked.

"They are common in Iomallach, I'm told."

"Cowboy hats are common in Iomallach?"

"I don't know that word, 'cowboy.'"

Seeing the excitement in Vanilli's eyes, Wayne forced a smile onto his face. Their newest party member was clearly proud of the gifts he had selected. Wayne couldn't let his own disbelief–and strong opinions about country western fashion–sully Vanilli's joy.

Wayne put the hat on his head and smiled. "How do I look?"

"Like a human wearing a hat."

Wayne laughed. "Perfect."

He followed Vanilli to the big round table surrounded by the rest of their party. Two empty pitchers of ale sat on the table, and a quick assessment of the glasses suggested a third was likely on its way.

Hector pointed at his own cowboy hat. "Looks good, right?"

Wayne nodded. "It's fantastic."

When Wayne had settled, he caught Fergus' attention and asked, "Did you know about these?"

"Total surprise. Vanilli picked them out himself."

"No, I mean that they wore these in Iomallach."

"Well, sure."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Wayne asked.

"I don't understand. Why didn't I tell you they wore hats?"

"No, why didn't you tell me they wore cowboy hats?"

Fergus blinked several times. "Cow-boy?"

Wayne nodded.

"Is this another interspecies conversation?"

Wayne laughed. "No, not at all. On Earth, these are called cowboy hats. Ranchers and cattleherders made them popular."

"That explanation applies here as well, though we call them ranch hats."

"And these are common in Iomallach?"

"Well, yes," Fergus answered, still not seeing whatever it was that bothered Wayne. "Pretty much everyone wears them, from what I understand."

Wayne sighed and sat back.

"You look like you've just received dire news."

"Cowboy culture on Earth is very… specific," Wayne explained. "Its own dialect. Its own fashion. Its own music. Its own values."

"And you were not a cowboy?"

"Definitely not."

"Are cowboys bad?"

Of all the Earth concepts Wayne had explained to Fergus, he had never talked about one as broad as this. Where should he even start? Lifted pickup trucks? Sleeveless t-shirts? Pointy boots? Confederate flags?

"I think I'm just surprised to see those hats in this world," Wayne lied. "I thought they were unique to Earth."

"Well, you look dashing. Very rugged."

"Thanks."

Fergus clapped him on the back.

Vanilli appeared and set a plate of wrapped meats on the table. "Chicken, beef, and pork," he said, pointing to each wrap in turn. "You must try them."

"Thank you again for doing this," Wayne said. "It's really kind of you."

"This is what party members do, correct?"

"It is, but thank you all the same." Wayne took a bite of the chicken wrap, trying not to be bothered by Vanilli's intense observation of him chewing.

The meat was sweeter than he expected, but the dressing was dark and smokey. It was somewhere between salsa and barbecue sauce. It was delicious.

Wayne gave Vanilli a thumbs up.

Vanilli nodded with self-satisfaction and went around the table, offering to refill drinks where he saw empty glasses and to get food where he saw empty plates. Sammy tried to convince him that the restaurant would take care of those things, but Vanilli insisted that he help.

"Seems like he's getting the hang of being human," Fergus said softly as to not be overheard. "It has made me realize that I didn't truly appreciate the importance of childhood."

"What do you mean?"

"One day, he was living alone in a Temple as a demon and the next he was on the surface, pretending to be human. You and I, on the other hand, had years to ease into it, to figure out who we wanted to be."

Wayne hadn't thought about it that way before. "I was awkward as hell as a kid."

"Same."

"I had this jewelry phase," Wayne said, smiling to himself. "Rings on every finger, seven chains around my neck."

"Seven?"

"Oh yeah, I remember the number exactly. I was really sure it looked so cool. It very much did not."

"When I was about ten," Fergus began, "I spent half the school year trying to direct a play I wrote. I'm not sure how I even got the idea, but I tried so hard to recruit actors and host practices. Every day."

"Theater kids don't always have the easiest time on Earth."

Fergus laughed. "Nor do they here. Never did get that production off the ground."

"Most of the time, I still feel like I'm fifteen years old. I'm sure I've changed and grown as a person or whatever, but when I think about 'who' I am, that's what I see."

"Your body swap must make that even harder to navigate."

Wayne chuckled. "Just a little bit. Vanilli isn't starting from scratch, though. We should give him credit for being a person before we found him."

"Very true."

Fergus stood and tapped a fork against his glass. Wayne doubted he would ever get used to seeing Fergus in a cowboy hat.

When the group quieted, Fergus said, "I wanted to take a moment to thank Vanilli for the gifts and for organizing this little get together. We're blessed to have you traveling with us. To Vanilli!"

"To Vanilli!" the party echoed in unison, raising their glasses and then taking drinks.

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

Margo leaned over to whisper into Vanilli's ear. Wayne suspected she was explaining what a toast was and what it meant. A big smile stretched across Vanilli's face.

Yeah, he definitely didn't know what a toast was. He did now, though.

"Sammy," Wayne said, "Did we have this simple pleasure on the list?"

"Not sure what you mean."

"A meal with friends."

"If it wasn't it should have been!"

Vanilli leaned forward to speak to Armond. "I like this simple pleasure better than urinating in the street."

"Alley. It's never okay to piss in the street."

"Understood, but my point remains."

"And you are very right, my friend," Armond said, his eyes pressed into wrinkly slits from his grin. "This is definitely one of the better pleasures."

When the party decided to relocate to a tavern, Wayne excused himself. He wasn't sure how he wanted to spend his evening, but he knew more drinking wasn't it. Vientuls didn't have the nightlife of Cuan, so the number of people Wayne passed on his stroll was few. The people he did see looked like they were on their way to or from a hard day of work.

He was the only reveler.

Wayne looked up at the night sky. He had been in this world for almost five years now, and he still expected to see his stars, the ones from Earth. The aesthetic wasn't all that different here, to be fair. There was no second moon or other sort of dramatic astral body to reinforce that this was a fantasy world.

The night sky was simply clear, unmarred by light pollution.

And it felt wrong. Those weren't his stars.

After considering going to sleep, Wayne looked around.

Goods Storage.

He stepped into what was mostly a portable library at this point and retrieved his adventuring gear. When the dimensional door was closed again, Wayne Blitzed into the sky, aiming himself toward the wereshark dungeon. Searching for stray zombies was as good an excuse to grind as any.

But Probe wasn't picking up any mobs, and the cooldown between uses was substantial, giving him even more time to stare at strange stars.

After an hour of aimlessly Blitz-flying somewhere vaguely southwest of Vientuls, he saw red at the edge of his HUD.

"Finally."

This particular area had only a few scraggly pine trees. Otherwise, it was all thin scrubgrass growing on a steep grade between rocks the size of minivans. The starlight didn't help with visibility much, but Wayne was hesitant to activate Light while he was airborne. He didn't want to reveal his position to enemies nor did he want to kickstart UFO conspiracies in this world.

Or did he?

That was a topic he could revisit. For now, he was watching his Altimeter as he dropped toward the ground. He pumped Brake and set down softly on top of a large boulder.

His HUD said that he was thirty yards or so from a cluster of reds. Unable to see anything, he listened.

He heard movement and… sniffing?

That was definitely sniffing. Like a dog.

Dogs.

Four distinct sniffers approached. Having a good idea of what they might be, Wayne faced toward the dots and activated Light.

Yeah, those were wolves.

Wait.

Wargs. The orcs running toward him–with a few mounting their wargs to do so–were a significant break in that mystery.

Random.

Song: Raha Manina Any

Artist: Rossy

Album: Madagasikara two

Genre: Hiragasy

"Nope."

Random.

Song: To Agalma

Artist: Giannis Poulopoulos

Album: O Dromos

Genre: Neo Kyma

"Nope."

Random.

Song: The Road Goes On Forever

Artist: Joe Ely

Album: Love and Danger

Genre: Lubbock Sound

Lubbock, as in Lubbock, Texas? The song had the vibe of a Bruce Springsteen ballad with a slight country twang.

That would do and felt oddly appropriate.

In that moment, it occurred to Wayne that he had yet to hear his own favorite music when he used Random. The Earth catalog of possible selections was way too damn big.

While there was still distance between him and the enemy, Wayne summoned Skycat. He wanted to test an idea. Well, test two ideas. That wasn't a good application of the scientific method, but whatever.

As Skycat passed over the orcs, Wayne tried his new combo.

Skycat exploded, and Wayne felt the force of it push against him with the strength of a violent toddler.

Note to self: Skycat can use the Dynamite spell, but never, for any reason, apply Flame Bracelet to Dynamite.

Logically, he knew to expect that, but a part of him prayed for some quirk in video game logic where a stick of highly unstable wild west explosives could be carried by a fireball. Perhaps the biggest lesson was that he better be ready to throw Dynamite as soon as he activated it. If it exploded in his hand? Game over.

Wait. He was immune to fire damage because of Mark of Fire. Did that also make him immune to explosions? Could he ever actually test that safely?

And a worse realization hit: What if he hadn't been able to cast Dynamite through Skycat after all? He still combined it with Flame Bracelet, so the dynamite would have…

He put it out of his mind and returned his attention to his mental list of experiments, but the warg-mounted orcs closed quickly. Wayne picked a spell that would buy him more time.

Wufbam. Wufbam. Wufbam. Wufbam. Wufbam.

Based on the HUD, at least one of the orcs died from crashlanding when the mount beneath him exploded. The others were either unconscious or thoroughly confused.

Wayne played his Light spell across the battlefield. Two of the four remaining orcs collected their wits as they climbed to their feet. Wayne made sure to keep the light on them.

Skulduggery.

-100 Gold Pieces.

"Wait, what?"

One of the orcs turned and stabbed the other in the stomach. He held up a pouch of what Wayne assumed was his gold, nodded respectfully, and ran off into the darkness. While he supposed that counted as a success, 100 gold pieces seemed pretty pricey for an orc bribe.

The final two stirred. Wayne readied his sword and hopped down from his ledge to fight them face to face.

As the first orc of the two charged, Wayne used Upsidaisy. The orc rose into the air like he had taken a double-bounce on a trampoline. When he saw the orc's ascent slow, he used Wink-Wing. The orc flew forward ten feet and began to fall.

While that orc dusted themselves off, Wayne turned to the last enemy.

Upsidaisy-Wink-Wing.

Combining the two abilities had the effect Wayne had wanted. Instead of moving up or straight forward, the orc was launched as if from a catapult.

Wayne had failed to consider the ramifications of that success, however. His combo worked, sure, but that meant he threw an orc at himself.

He ducked and hit Blitz.

The orc landed near his ally.

That particular combo needed more thought to be useful. Pulling an enemy onto his sword with Wink-Wing was sufficient. He didn't need to add the inertia of Upsidaisy to that tactic. Otherwise, if he couldn't force an enemy to turn or happen to catch them when they were, he'd have to abandon this particular combo.

The remaining two orcs charged with rabid ferocity. Wayne used that as an opportunity to test other applications of the two movement abilities. He found that Upsidaisy was a great delay tactic, if nothing else. Launching one orc straight up meant Wayne had a few seconds to focus on the other.

For the grounded orc, Wayne practiced narrow dodges with Easy Out and then tried another combination.

As the orc thrust his rusty sword, Wayne triggered Wink-Wing and slipped lithely to the side.

The orc lurched forward ten feet, as if Wayne had used his dodge to also yank his enemy. That could be useful in a tight space, he thought. Using Wink-Wing to create orc shishcabobs only worked if he had the right amount of distance. If the orc was in tight, a Wink-Wing dodge bought Wayne time as the enemy recovered.

For the next minute or so, Wayne attempted to time his attacks such that the orc he Upsidaisyed would fall on the orc he Wink-Winged, but he couldn't get the finesse down. In the process, however, he discovered a new combo that he quite liked.

If he used Wink-Wing dodge and then pursued the enemy with Blitz, he could stab them in the back before they had time to turn. Pleased with himself for learning new ways to use his Christmas List abilities, Wayne realized he had been experimenting for longer than he thought. He had attracted friends.

Red dot after red dot appeared at the edge of Wayne's HUD and spread across his map. The orcs he killed must have just been the scouting party. This was the full band.

Hmm. That was a lot of orcs.

Tyris-Flare Fire Magic (3 Pots).

Two spectres formed of flame materialized out of Wayne, and he commanded them to attack the orcs. He looked down.

Son of a bitch. They weren't joking about the bikini. It was white with red trim, just like the one Tyris-Flare wore in the original Golden Axe. Though the bikini was unfortunate news, the fight soon pushed Wayne over the edge on three different games, unlocking:

Running Back – He is mainly used on Running plays. From Cyberball.

Super – By acquiring and selecting this function, you gain rapid-fire capability. From ESWAT.

Station Improvement, Maintenance Shop – Reduces the maintenance cost of trains that pass through its station in a fiscal period by 75%. From Railroad Tycoon.

When all of the orcs were reduced to charred remains, he tested Running Back. If Linebacker bot was a short, squat garbage can, Running Back bot was a tall thin garbage can. He appeared in front of Wayne and promptly charged forward, disappearing into the forest with far more speed than Linebacker bot ever could.

Wayne tested Super by combining it with the Missile spell. True to its name, the ability gave him several seconds of rapid-fire spells. He wasn't sure how useful that would be, however. He could already simulate rapid-fire by mashing a spell activation with his mind. Using Super was less mentally taxing, however.

And Station Improvement? The system described it as a Passive skill. He combed his menus for any other obvious changes but found none. Whatever the benefit the skill provided, it wasn't obvious.

But that was okay. It was progress.

***

Wayne handed out what, to him, looked like chainmail stockings and garters. He explained that they were a recommended safety precaution in the Cuts. A quick jump off the wagon could turn into a serious injury with one misstep. The armorer had told Wayne a story about several severed "back heel" tendons–what Wayne's world called the Achilles tendon. The Zero Hero felt a phantom pain in his own Achilles ever since.

Coral was sharp on Earth too. Wayne had seen plenty of friends return from tropical vacations with cut up feet from snorkeling sessions gone wrong, but he had never heard about permanent, crippling injuries. As the Zeroes looked at the stockings with skepticism, it occurred to Wayne he might have fallen for a common tourist scam.

"The guidebooks also recommended chain mail for extended excursions," Vanilli said. "We have full sets in the wagon."

Oh, that was good. That confirmed for Wayne that he wasn't being completely unreasonable. He could also appreciate an ally like Vanilli who insisted on following directions. That was comforting.

And Vanilli had secured the equipment without any prompting that Wayne was aware of. That was a different kind of good sign, speaking to Vanilli's professionalism and reliability. The party now had two sets of chainmail for everyone, which Wayne could admit was excessive, but knowing their new quartermaster was working out put Wayne more at ease overall.

Fergus went ahead with slipping into his. "I'm putting these on over my pants, just so we're all clear on that. Any other hazards we should be aware of?"

"Armored goblins and heavy, sudden rains."

"Lovely."

"We'll probably spend a good bit of time down there," Wayne said, indicating the jungle over the bridge. "But we're going straight to Iomallach first, so if something sucks think about what gear we could get to make the next time through easier."

Minutes later, the party was across the bridge, descending into the Forest of 10,000 Cuts.

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